Unfinished Games
by Reive
Summary: Sequel to Ghosts (read Ghosts first!). Ch. 63 just uploaded. Severus tries to quit his life as a spy. Allosia speaks on the repercussions of that. Please, R/R
1. ceremonies

Disclaimer:  
  
This is the sequel to Ghosts. If you haven't read that, it's important that you read it first or else much of this either won't make sense, won't seem in character or won't have the emotional impact it should.  
  
All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR. There may be other original characters that I add, not sure yet. Who the hell is Gabriel? Patience, you'll see.  
  
Yes, I talk about the wedding in this, but I tried to avoid being too ridiculous. Please don't shoot me.  
  
Much of this will be very funny and sweet. Some of this (mostly towards the end) will be written in the first person, in the voices of more than one of the characters. Because of this, this may develop more slowly than Ghosts did. Writing in the voices of others is something I'm good at, but is, for what should be obvious reasons, exhausting.  
  
WARNING, there is character death towards the end of this. I won't tell you whom, but you've been warned. No bitching at me when it happens.  
  
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Deciding to get married is always easier than getting married, which is always easier than being married. Allosia learned the first part of that lesson with great rapidity.  
  
As the wedding approached her mother drove her insane with suggestions she should wear a muggle dress for the occasion. Meanwhile her father and Snape just stared at each other blankly whenever they had to be in each other's presence and she had had to stomach Snape's various confessions, the worst of which being that he had asked Voldemort himself permission to marry her.  
  
"You what?!" she had exclaimed, more in astonishment than anything else.  
  
"I wear his mark, Allosia. In his world, this body is not my own. It would be bad form, which I needn't tell you would also be very dangerous form, for me not to ask."  
  
"Well what if he said no?"  
  
"Well, he didn't. And that's what matters, and I'm not discussing what if's that have not and will not transpire with you."  
  
Allosia knew better than to argue with that particular tone from him, but the brief discussion had put the reality of the life she was embarking on in very sharp relief.  
  
As if in response to this she and Snape had developed a habit of always leaving partially played games of chess or go in his quarters. If the Dark Lord summoned him, he would have to return, to finish the game. It was an odd superstition, but one that was a comfort to at least one of them.  
  
  
  
After the faculty had been informed of the engagement, everyone became very protective of Allosia. Some, because they knew of Snape's double life, others, because they worried about anyone insane enough to marry him. It made Allosia feel like a child at times, but all in all she was grateful for it, especially on nights he was away for the Ministry.  
  
Sometimes, she would fly, other times, she would sit in his rooms with Dumbledore or Hooch for company. McGonnogal would bring her tea and tell her not to worry, but would never bring herself to get particularly personally involved.  
  
  
  
The students, eventually, had also been told. Snape had nearly had to grovel on his knees to make sure that Dumbeldore didn't announce it to the whole school at a meal as if it were a festive occasion, which was in some way to include everyone. Eventually Snape did acquiesce to the reality that the students did need to be told if they didn't want to be driven insane by speculation. Allosia, had of course wound up with the odd and monotonous job of announcing it to all of her classes, since the thought of Snape doing it was too absurd for anyone to stomach.  
  
Three classes had contained students who had asked, "why?" with disdain. The only other reaction had been from Hermione Granger, who had applauded, causing the whole room, Allosia included, to turn and look at her like she was insane. In perhaps the most depressing aspect of the entire situation as it related to the students, Snape had insisted the wedding occur in March, during Spring holiday to ensure that they would not be the victim of any pranks.  
  
  
  
The event itself was a small affair, guests limited to a few friends and family members and the faculty. A few students who were staying on for the holiday presumably watched from the castle windows; they included Draco Malfoy.  
  
Allosia wore traditional witch's robes for the occasion, bending to her mother's will only slightly, by having them made in a pale, silver velvet. Snape's attire was as formal and stern as it had ever been, and Allosia could not have been more pleased. Dumbledore performed the ceremony in the moon dark lit by hundreds of tiny magical lights, like the ones Snape had described to her under the influence of the Veritaserum just a few months earlier.  
  
Their vows were secret, at Snape's insistence, and it was not until the ceremony itself that Allosia saw the wisdom of this.  
  
"I have made many vows in my life, many oaths. Not all of them well- advised, and not, I must confess, many of them well-kept. For that reason, and because my soon to be wife knows and understands this about me, our pledges today will remain always and merely between ourselves," he had said to the small gathering  
  
He held her face then, with cold hands, and whispered into her ear. She had then done the same to him, and then they had both nodded at Dumbledore who walked them through the exchange of tokens and pronounced them married. Rings, being impractical in both of their lives, were replaced by pendants.  
  
Afterwards, there was a small feast and dancing in the Great Hall. It was surprisingly boisterous and went on until well into the early hours of the morning and quite a bit after she and Snape had retired to the chambers he was refusing to give up. An architecture firm would come in eventually and magically join their small sets of rooms together, cementing literally the fact that neither of them had a home other than Hogwarts now.  
  
It took Allosia some time to realize just how much she had wed herself to the school, as much as she had to him, that night. 


	2. possibilities

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
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After the wedding, Allosia was confronted by the annoying reality that she was in many ways Snape's public face. Students with problems in his classes kept coming to her for help or intercession. At first, she made the mistake of mentioning them to him. That the students would not speak to him directly, though, he merely took as evidence of their inherent intellectual incompetence. After learning this, she would advise the students merely to speak to him directly in as considered and efficient a way as possible. In time, they stopped coming to her and she felt guilty at her relief.  
  
Married life changed little of her or Snape's routines. They still ate most of their meals in the Great Hall with the rest of the school, and rarely arrived there together, although they worried about that less than they had. He still spoke little during meals, but certainly more to her than anyone else. To those few who did not know them very well, they still made not the slightest bit of sense.  
  
As the term neared its end and the entire faculty was frazzled with the pressure of designing, administering and grading exams, OWLs and NEWTs, Allosia struggled to keep up. More than usual, she wanted to sleep and more than usual she groused about the cold in the dungeons. Snape worried about her, but she didn't have the patience for his concern, noting that it didn't become him.  
  
When Madam Pomfrey cornered her outside the Hall one day, she presumed it was at Snape's request, although, she quickly found she was wrong.  
  
"When are you going to tell him?" she asked with a grin.  
  
Allosia, exhausted and cranky, responded with "What are you talking about, Poppy?"  
  
Pomfrey fixed her with an incredulous stare. "I'm a witch and a nurse, don't give me that nonsense."  
  
Allosia sighed. "I don't technically wake up until after noon. What?"  
  
"My girl, you are pregnant, and I can't for the life of me figure out why you're so hell bent on ignoring that fact."  
  
Allosia opened her mouth and closed it again, before looking at Pomfrey quizzically. Eventually she managed to say, "Oh."  
  
"Come by the hospital wing later, we'll make sure," Pomfrey said and bounded away.  
  
Snape came up to Allosia just as the nurse left. "What was that about?" he asked, squinting at her.  
  
Allosia realized she didn't have the slightest idea how to respond. "She wants me to come by for some tests is all, see what this malaise is about."  
  
Snape looked at her quizzically, knowing he wasn't getting the full story. "When you decide to let me know what that was really about, you know where to find me," and he swept into the hall ahead of her.  
  
Allosia didn't follow him immediately, taking a moment instead to try to get a handle on the possibilities. She knew she might well go to sleep that night in a life other than the one she had woken up in. 


	3. realities

Disclaimer -  
  
All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
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It turned out of course that Allosia, was in fact pregnant. Had she been paying more attention, she probably would have noticed without Pomfrey's assistance. It took her a  
  
week to work up the nerve to tell Snape, and he had laughed out loud at her hesitation when the confession finally came through. He was pleased, but also confessed he  
  
didn't have the slightest idea how to deal with a child.  
  
"What if it's like," he paused, "the students?"  
  
She had laughed then. "How about, we start with you not calling it, well, it?"  
  
"Well what am I supposed to call," he gestured at her in frustration, "it?"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"I'm going to go check in on some of my research and get used to this, alright?"  
  
She rolled her eyes and nodded. "I need to rest anyway."  
  
He headed to the door and stopped. "Wait. What are you going to do?"  
  
"About what?" she asked.  
  
"Teaching."  
  
"Uh, keep teaching?"  
  
"Defense Against the Dark Arts, while you're pregnant? Are you crazier than I realized?"  
  
"You're not using this to get my job, Severus."  
  
"I just think it's dangerous."  
  
"Being married to you is dangerous. Now go to your damn lab and calm down."  
  
  
  
Eventually, he got used to the idea of a child, but became maddeningly protective of Allosia. Summer came on, and he taught a few advanced post- graduate seminars in  
  
the castle, while Allosia was grateful just to have him out of her hair for a little while. Eventually, it became clear it was a boy, which forced Snape to be less impersonal  
  
about the whole thing.  
  
Sometime in August he woke her in the middle of the night. "He can't have my last name," he said.  
  
"Why?" Allosia asked, coming around.  
  
"I don't want him tied to the legacy of some of my poorer choices. Also, what happens when he's a student here, people hate me, Allosia."  
  
"That's eleven years away, why are we talking about this now?"  
  
"Just, not my last name, please."  
  
"Alright, fine, he'll have mine. How do you feel about Severus though?"  
  
"He can't have the same name as me."  
  
"As a middle name."  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Can I go back to sleep now?"  
  
"No, he doesn't have a first name, yet."  
  
"We have four months to figure that out, Severus."  
  
"I know, but -"  
  
"Sleep on it, please," she said, wondering how she had become the permanently cranky one in their relationship. "Are you still awake?" she asked, a few minutes later.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How do you feel about Gabriel?"  
  
"Gabriel Severus Hemrand," he whispered trying it out. "Yes," he said. "I think so."  
  
"Good. Can we go back to sleep now?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
For the first time in this particular adventure, he seemed happy. Allosia was just relieved. 


	4. labors

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
Don't worry people, the baby is just going to be one more excuse for him to be gruff and cranky and rude. I swear. It's not easy, but I'm almost sure I can keep him in character through this. Just stay with me - this set up stuff is a pain.  
  
As to the missing scene(s) from Ghosts - I've got to be in the right headspace for that, which I'm not - I think I'm still suffering from trying to have some dignity. ;) But I will write it, it's only fair.  
  
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Relief didn't last long though, and eventually, with two days before start of term they had to bring their fight about her teaching to Dumbledore.  
  
After listening to them bicker for a good twenty minutes, Dumbledore had held up his hand for silence, and after he got it, sighed loudly.  
  
"First of all, Severus, you're not going to be teaching Defense of the Dark Arts here now or ever. You know the reasons why, do not insult either of us by making me explain them to you yet again. Additionally, you are far too good with Potions for me to spare you for anything else, nor do I think our students could withstand it.  
  
"Allosia, Severus does have a point. Some of the things you do in your more advanced classes are somewhat dangerous. I won't stop you from teaching, but I think you really need to consider if it's realistic."  
  
Snape turned to Allosia then and said pointedly, "I was not trying to get your job."  
  
Before Allosia could speak, Dumbledore interjected, "I'm sure she still has some of that Veritaserum left, Severus, I gave her quite a bit," and smiled kindly.  
  
Eventually it was decided that Allosia would continue to teach, but would not take on any electives and therefore nothing too particularly dangerous for the term.  
  
  
  
The term itself was no worse than usual, although at every moment of student idiocy, incompetence or rudeness Snape found himself wondering if his own child would be as bad and if Gabriel would be as afraid of him as the students were.  
  
Gabriel. What as he supposed to do with a child? He didn't even really know what other people did with children, other than pack them off to torture him. He hadn't had siblings, and so had never really been exposed to children younger than his pupils. His own early childhood he remembered as quiet. He preferred books and his own imaginings to other children. He built worlds then, constantly in his head. Slight, but critical variations on his reality. It was a good distraction, and a hopeful one from his mother's haughty temper and his father's constant strategizing, which always seemed to amount to very little. He had always felt as if he were a key piece in a puzzle they hadn't bothered to buy. Now, he often wished he'd never bothered to buy it either.  
  
His life, he realized, was very much the Slytherin curse he had been warned of as a first year. One of the prefects had taken him aside, after his first month, having watched all the time the boy spent alone, having seen just how talented he was. She had told him to be careful, to focus his ambition, or else importance could come in very unexpected ways. He had listened, but had clearly not applied the lesson well.  
  
All he could do, he realized, was treat Gabriel with respect, which he realized for him, meant not treating him as a child. When around his parents and his friends, he had always been a small adult. He outwardly presumed, and secretly hoped, Gabriel could be the same way. Otherwise, he was going to be a most incompetent father.  
  
He also worried about the child growing up within the confines of Hogwarts. The boy would learn too much too young, and should, realistically, be sent somewhere else for his education, but as long as the war continued, that wasn't safe. Snape hadn't mentioned it to Allosia yet, but it was an issue, however distant, that weighed on him heavily. He wanted to give the boy a normal life, but he realized, there was simply no way he could. Gabriel's life would probably be most unpleasant at times. Inwardly, Gabriel would be a better person for it, this Snape was sure of. Outwardly, he worried the boy would wind up too much like him. Snape spent as much time as he could in his potions lab stewing on this, it was merely a complicated problem, and like all problems, it must, inherently have a solution.  
  
  
  
Allosia for her part spent the term trying to prove Snape's concerns about her teaching wrong. She was hell bent on keeping up with her classes, and she managed well enough, although it left time for little more than eating and sleeping. She felt as if she never saw her husband anymore, but to some degree, she was relieved. Between her hormones and his general ill- temper, too much time together would have been a very bad idea indeed.  
  
Mostly, they spoke in bed, when at least one of them was half-asleep and docile. It occurred to her, that had they discussed this baby thing, there wouldn't be a baby, but things were as they were, and she strongly suspected they'd both feel much better when they actually got the meet the fellow.  
  
  
  
Gabriel decided he wanted to make his appearance two days before the Yule ball. When she told Snape she was in labor, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Why couldn't he have waited until after the students left?" Allosia responded with a shrill and uncomfortable laugh before suggesting they make their way to the hospital wing.  
  
Two hours into her labor, Snape felt the Dark Mark on his arm flare in summoning. He didn't say anything, but after a few minutes Allosia noticed the set of his face.  
  
"You have to go," she said sadly and somewhat inquiringly.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Severus -"  
  
"It'll wait."  
  
"Don't be stupid," she said through grit teeth.  
  
"It will wait," he said more insistent.  
  
She sat up and grabbed his face then. "Go!" she practically screamed at him. Then again, softer, "Go, please. So I know you'll come back."  
  
He closed his eyes tightly.  
  
"I'll be fine. We'll be fine, now get out of here," she said, sinking back into the bed.  
  
Snape sighed, and turned to leave, practically knocking over Madam Pomfrey with the swirl of his robes. 


	5. returns

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
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"Thank you for joining us, Severus," said Lucius Malfoy insinuatingly.  
  
"I got here as soon as I could. My wife is in labor." He said it simply, coldly. Not a hint of concern. Here, Allosia was a business transaction, she no longer had a name, she was merely his wife, and in a few hours would be merely the mother of his child. How odd it felt to say those words though. As much as they made him so much more vulnerable, he also realized they gave him a new weight. He was not the outcast, the undesirable, the one who had come to Voldemort merely because he had no where else to go anymore or ever again.  
  
"It is good to see that your priorities are still in order, Snape," came the hissing voice of Voldemort.  
  
"Yes my Lord, how can I be of service?"  
  
"There is no service required of you today, Snape. You are not that indispensable, although important enough to merit this little test. And I believe Lucius has a congratulatory gift for you. I have other matters to attend to," he stood, and swept out of the room.  
  
Snape looked towards Lucius, who chuckled.  
  
"You know I find generosity to be your most unbearable quality, Lucius, was this really necessary?"  
  
"Life would be little fun if we stuck merely to the necessary, don't you think?"  
  
"Indeed. Now what's the gift?" Snape asked hoping to get whatever this was over with.  
  
"Just a plaything, to kill some of the time, while you wait. I know how hard it is. The pacing, the screams, so little control over it all." With that, Malfoy tapped his wand against the wall revealing a small cell in which a semi-conscious, redheaded-at-first-glance girl was bound.  
  
"Malfoy, you can't possibly take yourself and your florid ramblings seriously," he said, approaching her prison.  
  
"I don't see why not. Everyone else does."  
  
At this, Snape had to laugh. He looked at the girl and couldn't even find it in himself to be disgusted. He played with her hair as he informed Lucius of his displeasure. "I prefer my redheads to be both natural and conscious, Lucius. If there's nothing else needed of me, I have other obligations to attend to."  
  
Lucius looked at him with narrowed eyes.  
  
"Don't think I'm not grateful, old friend," he said these words with as much bite as he could muster. "Do what you want with her, consider it my thanks for your thoughtfulness."  
  
"Generosity does not become you either, but yes, you may go, you're not needed here."  
  
With those blessed words, Snape took it upon himself to apparate back to the Forbidden Forest, so that he could trudge back to the castle in the damp and the cold. What an immensely stupid waste of his time. The lesson however was quite valuable. Too bad it had undoubtedly cost that girl her life.  
  
  
  
Snape rushed into the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey caught him by the door.  
  
"You can slow down Severus, there's still a while to go."  
  
He relaxed visibly then. "How is she, she's not sitting alone is she?"  
  
"No, Hana's with her, and she's fine."  
  
Hooch. Good gods. That was just a little too surreal for his taste. Hopefully the woman would have the good sense to excuse herself, although he doubted it.  
  
He leaned in the doorway of the room and took in the scene for a moment. Hooch was holding one of Allosia's hands in both of hers, and was telling her a story that must have been truly appalling, jugding by her whispered tones and Allosia's laugh.  
  
He cleared his throat and both women turned to look at him and smiled. Allosia's whole body relaxed, as she closed her eyes then, and whispered something that was conspicuously between her and whatever gods she had deemed most relevant at the moment.  
  
"How are you?" he asked, not coming any closer.  
  
"Next time I think being in labor is a good idea, just have someone do the Cruciatus on me instead."  
  
Snape raised his eyebrows and pondered the comparison. He found it wasn't a subject he truly wanted to consider. "Give us a moment," he said, staring pointedly at Hooch, approaching the bed and gesturing at the door.  
  
"Of course," she said getting up hastily.  
  
"Thank you," he said, harshly, the woman should have known better. But then he remembered his gratitude, and said, "really," softly just as she exited. She flashed him a smile as she went.  
  
He took her chair then and grabbed Allosia's hand. "I'm sorry I had to go."  
  
"It's alright. You should have expected it."  
  
"You did," he said, comprehending.  
  
"Yes. I'm just glad I got you back. What happened?"  
  
"It was merely a test of my priorities, it seems I passed."  
  
Allosia squinted at him then, and drew a long red hair from his cloak. "Dead?" she asked, holding it up.  
  
He winced. "I presume. A gift from Lucius. I told him I preferred them conscious and without dye jobs and left."  
  
"You didn't have to tell me that," she said. The fact was she didn't want to be told any of the details she didn't need. They would only help her to make presumptions when he couldn't bring himself to volunteer them.  
  
He put his forehead down on the bed, and she petted his hair absently. "I wish you weren't so strong sometimes," he said, his voice muffled by the bedding.  
  
"Don't," she said her voice going tight from another contraction, "ever wish that," she said when she could continue. "At least not right now."  
  
He looked up at her and nodded. 


	6. arrivals

All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.

This chapter contains the first of the first person stuff – it should appear in italics, if it doesn't, I'll keep uploading a few versions til I get it to work.

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Gabriel Severus Hemrand was born at 3:42 in the morning on December 18th and weighed seven pounds and two ounces.

During the last thirty minutes of Allosia's labour, Snape had thought he'd go insane. Screams like that had only ever meant one thing to him, and she no longer had the presence of mind to be reassuring. Eventually, Pomfrey had offered him a sedative, which he had refused. She had snapped at him then, ordering him to focus on what was going on. This was why she was a school nurse. This was why her attitude had actually worked on him.

When Snape was encouraged to hold his child, he looked at Allosia, Pomfrey and Hooch as if they were all insane. "I've never done this before. I don't even like children!"

Hooch rolled her eyes and Pomfrey pretended she hadn't heard it. Allosia just muttered, "if you can make breakthroughs in the potions development process I'm sure you can figure this out," in an oddly encouraging tone. As long as he viewed Gabriel as just another intellectual challenge to solve, everything would be just fine. For all his fretting though, his enthusiasm and pride were somewhat obvious on his perpetually smug face.

Allosia had insisted they at least put in an appearance at the Yule Ball, although Dumbledore had excused them both. The event held sentimental value, and she saw no point in forgoing it, even if she was still weak on her feet, and the baby had made the last seventy-two hours merge into one incredibly long day.

Eventually, Snape had relented, and they went, with Gabriel, for all of twenty minutes, during which, he didn't stop scowling once.

__

What I remember most, about that first year, was how you never heard baby talk in the apartments. Not from us anyway. Others would do it, when they came to visit, and no amount of stern glares from Severus could get some of them to stop. Hana and Minerva were the worst, and when Albus did it, I couldn't escape the feeling that he and Gabriel were having an actual, and quite serious conversation.

I talked gently to Gabriel, certainly, but never in one of those strange, melodic cooing voices people tend to use. If I wanted to provide him with music, I simply sung, and in those first weeks singing was my only exercise. It seemed to sooth Severus, as much as the boy.

Severus, for his part, managed to avoid sarcasm with him, which is, I suspect, more than anyone would have asked for. He would speak to him in all his languages, reminding me again, as if one could ever easily forget, just how dangerous of a mind he had. Our lives then were lived to the murmur of many languages – Ancient Greek, Latin, German, Medieval Italian, a smattering of Japanese and of course, the Queen's English. It seemed to give Severus great pleasure, although even now I can't tell you if it was at having Gabriel about, or at having an excuse to use these skills in the company of something other than his notebooks and the early morning hours.

That summer, my parents came for an extended and somewhat trying visit. Severus felt it was too dangerous for Gabriel and I to travel, and as much as I chaffed at this, he was right. Pain had never been a useful way of controlling him, despite the amusement Voldemort and his servants had always taken in inflicting it. We would have been more useful. 

I think the only thing my father said to Severus the entire time they were here was, "well, you certainly wasted no time." He had leaned over and whispered to me then, "Thank Merlin you weren't early, the man would try to kill me," and I had had to stifle a laugh. Severus never understood my father's objections to him were far more about himself. But then, it's not like Severus ever understood that about anyone.

Gabriel's first word came at ten months, and while it sounded like "all," it came during morning mail, and so we decided it was "owl." Hagrid was quite taken with him, and always volunteered to baby sit, but we never thought it a wise idea to trust him with a small non-fire-breathing creature. 

When one of us couldn't be with the baby, Albus or Poppy or occasionally Hana watched him, even taking him for the night from time to time when we needed some time alone, which was as much to argue as it was to screw. I don't think that would have surprised anyone much.

I will always be struck by how much Severus worried about Poppy watching Gabriel. Of course, I knew how much time he had spent in sick wards as a child, but he had always seemed so uninterested in it. It took me a long time to realize the degree to which it had shaped him. Those days were not responsible for his ill-temper as most would suspect, but for his strength, much of his linguistic knowledge, and perhaps most depressing of all for anyone who loved him, his endurance. 

In the first year, Snape was summoned to the Dark Lord's side seven times, and was twice offered gifts he did not have the option of refusing.


	7. the first letter

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.

Thank you to everyone who is following along with this and have been reviewing. 

This is very much Snape's voice as it has been in my head since I started this. I hope I have done a good enough job with the series so far that this internal, private, considered voice, meshes with what we have see externally thus far.

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__

Dearest Sia,

I told you, some time ago, that I do not keep a diary, and because I wish to remain as honest of a man as I might, I put these words down addressed to you. I don't imagine I will ever show them to you. It is as likely that I will burn this as it is written as an offering to you in secret.

What compels me to write, is of course the things I find I cannot say to you, not because you wouldn't understand, but because you are far more understanding than I, or perhaps any man, deserves. It wounds me deeply to see how you allow the realities of my life, which have infected your own, to wash over you. And I admire it. But mostly I wonder, how it is, that you are not as angry as myself.

The secret, I suspect, is that you are not a Slytherin. What you see of our House, what you hear, especially from me and my rantings, are notions of entitlement. This is the exception, rather than the rule. I will not deny the genius peculiar to my house. I know you wouldn't either, I catch how you look at me when I am at my worst, at my most possessed. 

Slytherins are, at their root, merely insecure Ravenclaws, and occasionally, embarrassed Hufflepuffs. Loyalty and intelligence are not enough for us. Being the odd sorts that intelligence creates, is a notion too horrifying to bear. And so we warp ourselves. That is the nature of ambition. That is the nature of what I am, and what you almost were. Gryffindors I do not understand, but I'll confess to you here that they frighten me, even now, even the students, because they know, they know on an absolute cellular level how different they are from people like me. And if they were not afraid of me, they would tell me with a precision I can not tolerate thinking about, just how utterly impossible it would be for me to ever be like them. Everyone speaks about their bravery, but they can afford to be brave, because where people like me hear I told you so upon failure, they hear good try, every single time. I will never understand why. I hesitate to ask you to explain it to me, because if you could, I don't know how I would be ever able to face you again.

I wish I believed you could be surprised at my weaknesses.

Our son is beautiful, by the way. Our son. You have given me the use of so many words I had thought never to have cause for. My debt to you for that, as a man who loves languages, can never be repaid.

I can't believe, I am sitting down here writing to you, when you are no doubt sitting in your chair, staring at the fire not wondering when I'll come home, but if. Voldemort gave me a gift tonight. The muggle wife of some wizard he had Goyle kill. You have learned to let me bathe before touching me and I thank you for that. I will not insult you by apologizing for the rest of it.

Yours always,

Severus


	8. leavings

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.

Apparently, Hooch's first name is Rolanda (Thanks to Quizzical Sphinx for that bit of intel), but since this is effectively an AU anyway, and I like the sound of Hana in the mouths of my characters, she stays Hana. Don't you all agree?

Thanks for everyone who has been sticking by for this rather challenging creation.

----------

Snape kept the letters in a small, secret magical compartment behind a low drawer in a cabinet in the storeroom off his classroom and office. While sense told him to destroy them, he had taken the time to write them, and it seemed wasteful to him to choke out confessions and then assure himself of never being absolved. He sealed each of the letters with a low-grade acid that was instructed to burn anyone that was not himself or his wife.

While he may not have intended to ever give Allosia the letters, he didn't think it would be right for her to be burned by them, should they happen to come into her possession.

While he hardly would have thought it possible, his classroom became a sort of refuge for him beyond the typical solace of his experiments. The quiet was welcome, as was the freedom the classroom and lab offered, with or without students. As much as he had once chided Allosia for not having self-control, for not being able to hold her tongue, he was learning that she had a control over her emotions that he did not. She could read his face too easily, and so, it was only in his classrooms that he could be angry, or afraid, without her concern, intervention, or worst of all, quiet tolerance. Sometimes, he felt like he was hiding.

Sometimes, Gabriel would spend time with him in the classroom, although always at a safe distance from what he was working on and never when students were around. It gave Allosia a break and it made him feel responsible. Although explaining how to make complex potions to a child who could hardly talk was probably near the top of the absurdities to have graced Snape's life.

When the boy began to crawl, and then walk, watching the child and keeping him entertained became much harder. It didn't take Snape long to realize that Gabriel was inherently more social than he had been, and was not, and would probably never be, content to sit and play quietly by himself. Snape found though that as long as he couched anything as a story, the boy would be attentive, at least for a little while, and so potions and wands, herbs and ingredients all became characters with specific personality traits in a never ending magical narrative.

__

I never thought Severus would learn to tell stories, but thinking on it now, I don't know why I should have been surprised. After all, so much of his life involved making things up. He lied to his friends when he joined the Death Eaters, and to the Death Eaters when he left them. And of course, to everyone, always, to survive. I learned to accept this. I learned to believe that he would do or say anything to keep us safe, no matter which side it hurt. I learned to be all right with this. We were selfish or we were dead.

It was very funny, to watch him with Gabriel. The boy sitting quietly, distractedly knocking a toy broom against the floor, as Severus explained very seriously how the scarab shells felt about the dragon's blood and what would happen when they met each other. Gabriel, of course drifted into that horrible stage where his response to everything was "Why?" and I always knew Severus had lost his patience when he responded to the boy sharply in something other than English. But the look on his face, the first time Gabriel had clearly understood some small snippet of Latin, it made watching out for both of them as constantly as I had to worth it.

Gabriel was a social child, well-liked by the faculty, and as he became a toddler, doted over by many of the students as well. Hermione took to him, stopping to chat with him more than me as we walked the grounds. Even the famous, or in our household, infamous, Harry Potter, always smiled at the boy, although he generally seemed quite embarrassed about it. His friend Ron Weasley though wanted no part of it though, and I stifled many a laugh as he explained to younger students what evils my child must be capable of. Severus once gave Mr. Weasley two detentions for such nonsense, and then threatened him with the possibility of having to baby sit the boy, which included assurances that Gabriel did, in fact, bite. Which he didn't, really, in case you were actually wondering.

That infamous class of seventh years graduated when Gabriel was a year-and-a-half. Despite what I'm sure many of the students thought, Severus was not trying to fail them in their last semester, but nor was he overjoyed to see them go. Even if they had all been A students by his nearly impossible standards, I don't think he believed they could ever possibly be prepared enough, and of course, he was right. With their departure though, he was simply relieved, that The Boy Who Lived, had not died on his watch. With Potter's graduation, I worried Voldemort would no longer want or need us to remain at Hogwarts, but as long as Dumbledore was there, Severus assured me we would be as well.

That summer, as Severus took on more seminars, I with a bit of goading, began to bring Gabriel into Hogsmeade several days a week. Even if we didn't travel far, he needed to see some life outside of the school, and at least comprehend the existence of other children his own age. I grumbled fiercely about signing us up for a playgroup, only because I didn't want to lose my name, to become merely, Gabriel's mother, although it was at least said in a more pleasant tone of voice than "Snape's wife" generally was. That immersion in baby culture, did not overwhelm me with joy, as much as I loved that Gabriel was able to match his attentiveness for the world of adults with his enthusiasm for the world of children.

Marrying Severus, and having Gabriel may have expanded my life, but it narrowed my world greatly. Before start of term that year, I decided a vacation was in order. And if it were deemed best for me to travel alone, I would, and I did.


	9. permissions

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
--------  
  
"Are you forbidding me to go?" she asked, pacing back and forth across his office between seminar meetings.  
  
"Allosia, do not make me yet another authority figure I'm not interested in being because you can't handle taking responsibility for your headstrong, impatient, incautious and need I mention selfish desires."  
  
Sometimes, all she could do was gape at him. "I wasn't aware that's what this was," she said tightly.  
  
"Your cavorting around London by yourself for a few days, is exactly that."  
  
"That wasn't what I meant, and if you think it will be too much trouble for you, I'm happy to take Gabriel." That had hurt, and she knew it and smiled.  
  
Snape conspicuously bit his tongue. He saw exactly what she was trying to escalate the argument into and he wasn't going to give in. Instinctively he knew she was just trying to hurt and frighten him, but if he gave in, gave her the opportunity, she might in fact just flee. He wouldn't have blamed her either.  
  
He covered his face with his hand then and turned from her, pacing in a small circle, his robes dragging across the ground behind him.  
  
"'Sia," he said, sighing, and removing the hand from his face. "Sia, Sia, Sia," he muttered, worrying her name in his mouth. He approached her then, and grabbed her by the chin, harshly. Her stance remained defiant, but her eyes gentled to him. "I would be most lost without you. I understand the costs of this, of us, have been immense to you. I am terrified at the thought of something happening to you. Surely, you must recognize the risk."  
  
She blinked slowly. "I need to do this. You need me to do this; I will go and I will come back. I will contact you every night and you will find some damn faith."  
  
"It's not that I don't -"  
  
"Yes, it is. As much as you are worried about the world out there, and your lovely, charming Death Eater friends, you're worried I won't choose to come back here."  
  
He dropped his hand from her chin then and closed his eyes.  
  
"Severus," she said, touching his cheek lightly. "I'll be home in just a few days. I don't put up with you, just so I can walk away."  
  
"So you're going?"  
  
"Yes, for three days, now do you want me to bring the baby or not?"  
  
"No, no, I can handle him."  
  
"You're sure?" she said leaning against him.  
  
He absently twisted her short hair between his fingers. "How hard can it be?"  
  
"That was absolutely the wrong thing to say, dear."  
  
He had thought for a second they were going to start fighting again, this time about his contributions to their life as a family, but realized instead, as she leaned against him, that she just meant that their child was even more of a handful than she was.  
  
She made a slight humming noise as his fingers continued to work through her hair.  
  
"Is that desire I hear?" he asked.  
  
"Oh yes," she said, chuckling against him and brushing her hand against the inside of his thigh through all the layers of his robes.  
  
"Not now 'Sia, and certainly, not here," he said gently.  
  
She quirked her mouth at him.  
  
"Yes, I suppose I will give into you one day, but this is not that day."  
  
She stood up from him then.  
  
"See if you can find someone to watch the baby tonight."  
  
"Alright," she said, quietly, and left. 


	10. advice

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
Yes, time frame in a lot of this is sped up, it also slows down in big chunks in some places. May go back and fill in bits later, since, of course, character death will limit sequel options.  
  
Just didn't know how much people wanted to deal with the day to day lives of these folks, which I'm realizing is more than previously suspected.  
  
And I swear, if you people manage to talk me into writing an actual wedding fic (it may just happen). Good gods help me!  
  
  
  
--------  
  
Hana Hooch went to her door with a perturbed look on her face. She had been curled up on her sofa reading Witch World Weekly, and she did not like to be disturbed when engaging in her baser pleasures.  
  
She flung open the door, prepared to glower at whatever annoyance had found its way to her rooms, only to be confronted by a typically impatient looking Severus Snape.  
  
"Severus, your wife has only been gone eight hours and you're already sniffing around my door? I'm charmed, really," she said with only the barest hint of humor.  
  
"Hana," he said, scolding, as Gabriel slowly peaked out from where he was hiding behind his father's voluminous robes.  
  
Seeing the boy, Hooch crouched down to say hello. "Hi Gabriel," she said, before looking up at his father and muttering, "Sorry Severus."  
  
The boy smiled at her, but did not speak.  
  
"I'm sure," Snape replied to her dryly. "At any rate, he," pointing at his child, "doesn't want to go to sleep, and short of a potion -"  
  
"Which Allosia will crucify you for," Hooch interjected.  
  
"Yes. I don't know what to do. You've kept him overnight, what do I do?"  
  
Hooch stood then and started laughing. "My god man, how much time to you spend in that dank office of yours?"  
  
"Too much," he said grimly, and that silenced her.  
  
Hana Hooch smiled down at the small dark-haired boy again, who was now sitting on the edge of Snape's robes. "So is this why Allosia went on vacation?"  
  
"She wanted a vacation," he said tightly.  
  
"No trouble in paradise then?"  
  
"How you could possibly think -" Snape stopped himself then. "The boy, what do I do?"  
  
"Have him lie down, with all the candles out, sing to him and rub his back and maybe tell him what to dream about."  
  
Snape lost what little color he had, as Hooch's list went on. "Sing?"  
  
"His mother sings to him all the time."  
  
"That's because she sings!" he declared, as if Hooch were missing the obvious.  
  
"Severus, he's grown used to it," she said gently, with the full knowledge of her correctness.  
  
"Is that it?" he said, turning his head to look down at the boy.  
  
Gabriel nodded.  
  
Snape bent down then and picked him up. Now that they were eye level, he asked him again, with the sound of great weariness in his voice, "if I sing to you, y ou'll go to sleep?"  
  
"Yes!" the boy said and laughed.  
  
Snape looked at Hooch then. "I don't sing. And I don't know any songs that aren't opera."  
  
"Could you get Allosia to do it over the floo."  
  
Snape shook his head gravely. "He's afraid of the heads," he said, tilting his head towards Gabriel.  
  
"Oh dear," said Hooch, trying not to laugh. "Has he met Nearly-Headless Nick yet?"  
  
"The nearly was critical."  
  
"Ah, I see," she said, wondering what other odd revelations she was going to get.  
  
"What should I sing?" he asked her, looking like he had just had a run-in with bad seafood again.  
  
"I'm sure you'll think of something," she said, taking a step back from her door and making it clear that she was offering him no more help.  
  
Snape nodded gruffly at her, and stalked off with the boy. Hooch managed not to fall on the floor laughing until she had closed her door. My god, that wretched man, was all she could think, as she tried to catch her breath, the magazine forgotten. 


	11. musings

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
--------  
  
With Allosia away, everyone suddenly seemed to become both more and less helpful when it came to Gabriel. They offered advice, but they didn't offer to watch him. It was clear to Snape he was intentionally being given a lesson in the life he had somewhat abandoned his wife to.  
  
He had nearly had to bring Gabriel to a seminar meeting when Dumbledore had miraculously appeared to rescue him. Secretly Snape had nearly wept with relief. The thought of bringing a baby into the classroom when he was teaching horrified him. Talk about the best way to eliminate his authority for the rest of eternity.  
  
Having the responsibilities of Gabriel all to himself didn't quite make Snape miserable and didn't quite terrify him, but it was certainly close, on both scores, and more than anything else, he absolutely hated that everyone knew it.  
  
  
  
Allosia Hemrand on the other hand, was having a grand time on her small vacation. Just to have quiet, just to lie on a soft bed she didn't have to share with anyone, behind a locked door no one would knock on was a profound, and nearly sinful pleasure for her.  
  
To a certain extent, she did worry about Gabriel and Snape being all alone with each other, but she was fairly sure that her husband was far more at risk than their son was. She chuckled to herself. She knew he would try to hide any difficulties he had with the boy, and then would wind up blurting them all out in a torrent of fury and insecurity at her. The woman that had drugged him and interrogated him couldn't wait. She liked watching people lose control, which is why she had always spent so much time provoking him, in and out of both the bedroom and the classroom.  
  
In many ways he usually won. She would give up on arguments out of boredom or weariness, and acquiesce to him on all sorts of small points to keep the peace. And while she knew that his intellect was more impressive than hers, at least in an academic sense, she also knew she had a competence at merely living life that he never would. They went head to head, but they did not compete directly in most things, and that was without question a good thing.  
  
In the bedroom, he was usually the aggressor applying his calculated and sometimes frightening self-control to making her feel deliciously desperate before him. She didn't mind, and it made those rare times when he was at her mercy all the more amusing. He had a capacity to get lost like no one else she had ever witnessed or even speculated about. It told a great deal, but of course, she was the only one listening. With the right cadence, the right touches, the right glances, she could make him loose words, and with a man like him, there was no higher honor, or pleasure. That he would be ashamed, had anyone even guessed at the ways she had taken him, had anyone even suspected the need he was capable of with her, was what took it from artful to perfect. Thinking about it, Allosia smiled and then laughed. The best thing about being alone for a change, was having time to muse.  
  
  
  
She had talked to him over the floo after she had checked into her room, and he seemed glad to hear from her. Allosia could tell thought that it was more about her following his rules on the matter, than about the neurotic and aggressive concern he had plagued her with when she first came up with the idea of taking the trip.  
  
Afterwards, she went to a muggle restaurant for dinner, dressed in a dark, empire-waist long sleeved dress. Close enough to robes for her to be comfortable, but close enough to muggle garb to help her avoid excessive scrutiny. She read the muggle papers as she sat there learning about the small events of a small world, taking time to relish every bite, to experience again the glory of food without interruptions. She thought of Philip then and the role food had played in their lives, so different than in her life with Snape. For her and Philip, consumption had been everything, which of course is why it hadn't worked out in the end. Actually, thinking about it now, Allosia wasn't even sure it had worked out in the beginning either.  
  
When she finally concluded her meal, Allosia contented herself by strolling through the city both muggle and magical that had once been her home. After an hour of this, she returned to her inn and turned in early. Sleep was such a pleasure, besides, she had a huge day of shopping planned to start first thing in the morning.  
  
Before bed, she stood naked and looked at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She was still small, and slight enough, but she had changed, her body no longer had the static hint of youth to it. It didn't sadden her, or quite surprise her, but she couldn't help but feel some small awe at the degree to which Snape had managed to reshape her, yet again, this time without potions. 


	12. shopping

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
--------  
  
Not having had the pleasure of having visited Diagon Alley in some time, it reminded Allosia, even more than usual of her trips there as a student. With start of term barely more than a week away now, the streets were already packed with students fetching their school supplies. Perhaps her love of such trips had been the most obvious sign that she would become a Ravenclaw.  
  
While none of her errands were strictly necessary, she did think it would be great fun to bring packages home for her and her family. In part as a reward to them for putting up with her going on this trip, and in part as a reward to herself, for having been willing to fight her husband over it.  
  
And so with thoughts of toys and picture books for her son, unusual parchments and quills for the house and perhaps a side trip to Knockturn Alley to find some unpleasantly peculiar trinket for her husband, Allosia Hemrand went to Gringots, withdrawing funds for the first time as a member of the Snape family.  
  
That in particular, had been a singularly peculiar experience for her. Presenting the letter from her husband and pulling her cloak aside to show the pendant she wore that marked her as his, as surely as he was marked as hers by its matching talisman, was just one more small thing making their marriage suddenly real to her. As if the boy and the shared rooms were not enough.  
  
She wondered at the way the goblin had looked at her then, if she sensed disdain or curiosity from him correctly. He was a goblin, but her husband's name could also have that effect, the Snape family having a long and colorful history with much strange blood and dark magic running through it. It was why they had agreed she would do well to remain separate from the name so that she would not be confused with one of his many distant relations to carry the blood of veelas, elves or other nearly human rarities. Blood that Allosia suspected he himself carried in small fraction. He was a pureblood wizard, and beyond that, always refused to say more, noting merely that he had little interest in the breeding experiments too popular amongst most Slytherins and their genealogically obsessed whores.  
  
The ride down through the bank's caverns to their vault had quickly thrust the entire thought process from Allosia's head. She did better with the ride than some, loving taking to the air as she did, but she had to will herself not to be nauseous or nervous in these subterranean caverns. She could imagine her husband, jaw set grimly on so mercenary a rollercoaster. She would want to hold his hand, but that was not something they did in public. She wasn't sure if it was because they lived at Hogwarts or not.  
  
  
  
Having acquired her funds and regained her equilibrium, Allosia began her shopping at Flourish and Blotts. There she picked up parchments in full sheets to sixteenth cuts in a range of materials and textures, including some of the more unpleasant animal gut stuff that Snape invariably found uses for even if merely to send nasty letters to the parents of particularly objectionable students. The man could practically will a child to get a howler with a few well-placed sentences. She also grabbed quills by the handful, mostly of the practical variety, but fetched a few as well with dark and unique feathers for her and Snape. They shared certain aesthetic preferences that managed to unnerve many people, for no other reason than it hinted at information others were locked out from. Additionally, she acquired a few false quills with thick stems and sturdy nibs for Gabriel to begin practice with. Snape was eager to teach him far too many alphabets.  
  
Afterwards, carrying her boxed goods wrapped in paper and twine Allosia popped her head into Olivander's merely to say hello to the old fellow. He remembered her wand and the house she was sorted into and mentioned that he had heard she became and auror. He was most amused to hear she was now stationed at Hogwarts and had married its most feared teacher, whose wand he also remembered and discussed with her in great detail. One day, she would bring Gabriel to him, and that would be quite a moment indeed.  
  
Heading further up the narrow and perennially crowded street, Allosia passed shop after shop of wizard's robes and supplies, many of which she had to stop herself from going into just out of a desire for more packages. How lovely it was to be able to stroll in the middle of the day with no other immediate obligations at hand.  
  
Reaching the end of the street, Allosia made sharp left and turned onto Knockturn Alley. While she knew Snape would have a fit had she told him she planned to come here, she also knew she'd get off with some mild grumbling and a large smile if she could find an esoteric enough gift for him here. While one had to be careful along this street, there was much of interest, regardless of whether one had a personal or professional interest in the Dark Arts or not. 


	13. hunting

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
-------  
  
Allosia first entered its candle store, which she was not aware of having a name. During their engagement Snape had once introduced her to its owner Nadrassa Grenoulek who despite her trade or perhaps because of it as Allosia later learned, seemed rather pleasant. As Snape has perused the poisonous candles, she had asked him what he was up to.  
  
"Poisons have many interesting properties," he had told her crypitcly. She had looked at him oddly then, knowing she would get the full story in his own good time.  
  
"They are worth experimenting with, Allosia," he said with a glint in his eye.  
  
On their wedding night, of all things, Allosia had looked at him like he was insane when he suggested they light his purchase from that day. He had scolded her gently then saying, "Alcohol is a form of poison too, and not a very interesting one at that. Trust me."  
  
While the hangover from that particular experiment had been unusually scathing and Allosia still carried a small scar on the inside of her arm from that candle's wax, the experience itself was quite memorable and something she knew both of them might find pleasure in revisiting.  
  
Having tucked her small bag of potentially deadly pleasure in with her other packages, Allosia went across the street. Stepping into Borgin and Burkes, Allosia absently wondered how Snape could even breathe in here, the air being so conspicuously musty and dusty. Of course, he was used to this sort of aggravation of his lungs, she wasn't. She willed herself not to cough though, it made her seem nervous and that was just silly.  
  
She rethought that position, when she felt a hand, gently but heavily rest itself on her shoulder and heard a voice she almost recognized address her as "Mrs. Snape."  
  
"It's still Hemrand, thank you," she said as politely as she could, slowly turning to face Lucius Malfoy. Recognizing him, it occurred to her to fake enthusiasm. "Lucius!" she exclaimed, "it's been so long," she said smiling somewhat tightly.  
  
"I was so disappointed," he said, slowly, "when Severus didn't invite me to the wedding. I mean, imagine my surprise, at the very idea. He's a lucky man to have you."  
  
"Thank you. It was a very small event," she said, wondering how to escape.  
  
"What brings you to Knockturn today?" he asked casually.  
  
"I'm looking for a surprise for him. Something to makeup for my being gone for a few days."  
  
Lucius raised his eyebrows at that. "You left him alone with the baby?"  
  
"Ah you heard did you?" she responded not deigning to address the implied question.  
  
"Yes, again, imagine my surprise," he said with a chuckle and Allosia narrowed her eyes at him. "At any rate, where are you staying while you're in town?" he asked casually.  
  
Allosia then made the mistake of telling him, a subject which she made a mental note not to mention to her husband. He was definite to throw a fit now. She let out a sigh of relief as Lucius finally excused himself from the store with her calling after him to give her regards to his son, Draco.  
  
It was times like these she understood her husband's misanthropy. It was certainly easier than talking and potentially blurting with the likes of Lucius Malfoy. She sighed, and began to peruse the shelves in hope of some unusual and collectable tome that had not yet found its way into their peculiar private library. 


	14. caught

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
People, people, people, I don't kill small animals or babies in my stories - Gabriel is safe, no one else is and that's all I'm going to say other than: we're no where near the end of the story yet.  
  
---------  
  
"So tomorrow evening then?" he asked over the floo.  
  
Allosia nodded. "In time for dinner. You miss me?" she asked.  
  
"You have no idea how much," he said dryly.  
  
"Gabriel that bad?" she asked with a laugh.  
  
"No, although there's a certain matter of singing we'll be discussing when you get back here," he said with the humour it seemed only she could detect.  
  
"All right then," she said with a laugh. "Kiss the boy for me, and we have got to get him over this head nonsense, by the way. I miss him."  
  
H nodded. "Get some rest, I will not be a sympathetic man if you come home telling me you need to recover from your relaxation."  
  
"Severus, you're just not a sympathetic man, it's time to face that," she said as they signed off.  
  
Allosia laughed, it would be good to be home. She reached for her shawl then, a final late night walk in the city lights would do her good.  
  
Stepping out from her hotel, the last thing she really expected to find was Draco Malfoy sidling up to her and immediately lacing an arm through hers before she could even react. Feeling a presence on her left as well, she noted Malfoy's old school crony and her former student Crabbe there. She moaned softly to herself, and looked at Malfoy as she considered trying to run or struggle.  
  
"I wouldn't do that, Allosia," Malfoy said calmly. "I can and will put you under Imperius if need be, and I can assure you that neither Severus nor yourself will be pleased if you were to meet my father in so willing a condition."  
  
Crabbe laughed and Malfoy glared at him, cutting the sound off. Allosia silently cursed herself over and over in her head. Nonchalance was probably the best strategy for the moment, especially if it would keep her in control of all of her faculties. "All right boys, where are we going?" she asked as they approached a carriage.  
  
As Allosia climbed in, with her former students following, she noticed Lucius Malfoy sitting in the furthest and darkest corner of the carriage. He patted the seat next to him and seeing little choice, she complied.  
  
"I didn't get to see nearly enough of you earlier, Allosia. And I realize, we never got to know each other very well in school. Certainly, I never understood what Severus saw in you, although, of course, your interest in him is infinitely more puzzling. I suspect," he said, grabbing her chin then not unlike the way her husband tended to, "you're a very unusual creature." He smiled then, dropping his hand.  
  
Allosia was scared, but decided being brash was still her best bet. "Lucius, this is my last night of vacation, what do you want?" she asked with annoyance.  
  
"Don't be impertanent," he said, his voice deadly.  
  
"At least tell me where we're going then?" she asked, still trying to affect boredom.  
  
"My house, of course. I hope you'll enjoy my hospitality more than Severus tends to," he said and then turned to face the window again.  
  
Allosia looked across to Crabbe, who didn't seem to be paying the slightest bit of attention to what was transpiring. The younger Malfoy, however was staring at her with strangely sad eyes. She heard Snape inside her head: this is important. She held the young man's gaze until he looked away.  
  
  
  
Her ability to maintain her calm ended the second the carriage stopped. She was far away from anyone that wasn't these men, her husband had no cause to worry after her until tomorrow evening, and any move she made was likely to make things worse. None of this logic stopped her from bolting away from the group the second she exited the carriage into the planned woods around the mansion.  
  
As she ran, fumbling for her wand and tripping in the dark, she remembered Snape's tale of the last time he was in these woods. Tripping on a root and twisting her ankle badly, Allosia fell, scraping her hands. Still mostly prone, she turned cast Expelliarmus at the nearest figure, which turned out to be Crabbe. She hit her mark and he was flung backwards into a tree. At the ugly and unmistakable sound of his head cracking against the trunk, Allosia dared to let herself hope, but that hope ended quickly when Lucius dived on top of her and wrestled her wand out of her hand.  
  
This was distinctly not good, Allosia remembered thinking as she tried to knee him in the groin, but he was sitting too high up on her for her to do much more than struggle pointlessly. He didn't need to be this close to her, certainly. He could have, and by all rights should have disarmed her magically. Straddling her chest, he punched her in the face twice, in rapid succession. Allosia vaguely registered his son behind him, looking miserable, before she lost consciousness. 


	15. taking care

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.

------

When Allosia was not early for dinner, Snape became impatient. When she was not even on time for dinner, he became angry. When the first official dinner with all the faculty for the new year had concluded though, he began to worry. When a lone owl flew in and dropped a note in front of him, much to Gabriel's fidgety delight, Snape blanched. It was from Lucius. He recognized the paper.

He tore it open roughly, several of the other teachers, who were also becoming somewhat concerned about the situation, stopping to watch. 

__

Sevi —

You might want to pop by tonight. I have something that might interest you.

Your old friend, 

Lucius

Snape started up from the table so violently, Gabriel almost fell off his lap. He grabbed the boy, plunked him down in his seat, and strode over to Dumbledore.

"Lucius has Allosia," he said, sharply.

Dumbledore looked concerned and extended his hand for the letter Snape was clutching without comment. Reading its few words, he asked, "You're sure?"

"There's no question." He was practically shaking, and it was clear that rage was the dominant emotion.

"What can I do?" Dumbledore asked, trying to focus the situation.

Snape couldn't think clearly for a moment. "Gabriel," he whispered.

"We'll take care of him, Severus," Dumbeldore said, patting the professor's arm.

"Thank you," he said, his voice raw with emotion. Quickly he went back to his chair and bent down over Gabriel. "The headmaster is going to watch you for a little while, alright? I have to fetch your mother."

"Mommy!" the boy shouted, with an oblivious joy. Snape sighed, his shoulders sagging. "I need you to behave. It's extra important tonight, yes?"

"All right," the boy said solemnly trying to imitate the frown that almost always graced Snape's face when he was contemplating anything. 

Snape nodded for a moment, unsure of what else to do, and then turned, and strode out of the hall as fast as he could without breaking into a run.

"This isn't good is it, Sir?" Hagrid asked Dumbledore.

No one had it in them to answer.

Severus Snape pounded on Lucius Malfoy's front door with his broomstick as hard as he could, absently thinking he hoped he managed to at least mar the paint although the man deserved far fouler marks on his door to warn the unsuspecting away.

When the door opened, and it was Lucius himself standing there. Snape was shocked, although he recovered himself quickly and managed not to assault the man.

"Where is she?" he asked, pushing past Malfoy.

"You're usually not so eager for my presents, Severus."

"You've proved your damn point, Lucius, now I'd like to see my wife."

"If you insist, although I suspect she'd like to freshen up a bit for you first."

At that, Snape got a sick feeling, but proceeded to follow Lucius to the sitting room; it was all he could do. They sat, Lucius in an antique chair, Snape at the end of a matching couch.

"Coffee, tea?" Lucius asked calmly. 

Snape realized Lucius' drawing this out was, in an odd way, a good sign. Had something really awful happened, Lucius wouldn't have been able to show this type of restraint and Snape would know by now.

He ignored the question. "Is she downstairs?" he asked, getting up to pace.

"Yes, my son's with her."

Snape flew out of the room then and rushed down the stairs into the notorious Malfoy basement. The sight he saw knocked the air out of him.

Allosia was curled up on her side, asleep on a divan. Her face was bruised, scratched and cut and there were ligature marks on her wrists and neck. Her ankle was bandaged, and Snape wondered absently if Lucius liked this sort of ugliness or just didn't have the common sense to bother to heal someone's injuries. Sitting next to her was Draco Malfoy, one of his hands resting on her shoulder. Crabbe sat in the corner, in a green leather chair, smoking a cigarette.

"Get away from my wife," he hissed, striding towards where Allosia lay. The younger Malfoy jumped out of the way, and Snape took his seat, crooning Allosia's name softly until she opened her eyes as much as she could at him. Gods, she looked horrible.

"Severus," she whispered hoarsely and tried to smile.

"Are you alright?" he asked, recognizing the stupidity of the question.

"I'm glad you're here," she said and dropped her head into his lap.

"I don't appreciate the vandalism, Mr. Maloy," he said, turning his attention to his former student.

Quitely and with bite, the young man replied. "You should thank me. This would have been a lot worse without my intervention."

"Really?" Snape said, his voice getting icy. With his presumptions, it was hard to imagine worse.

"Yes, really," he said, crouching in front of them, and then dropping his voice. "My father intended to see what you find so appealing about her, if you get my meaning. I stopped him."

"How?"

"I told him a man like you would be more wounded by visual damage to the trophy that finally made him appear to be part of the human race." The malice and pride in his voice would have been awe-inspiring under other circumstances.

"And what did I do to incur this debt to you, Mr. Malfoy, presuming, of course that neither you nor your pugilistic friend here indulged your curiosities either?" Snape was unbelievably grateful, but also very scared. People were not doing what he expected them to, and that was dangerous. He struggled to keep his face a mask as Allosia gripped tightly at his robes, riding out some pain or other.

"I find neither power nor meaningful ambition in severing others, Severus. Incurring your debt however may well serve myself." He said quietly.

Snape looked at him then hard, and squinted. There were two implications here, the first being that he had had no real concern for Snape, Allosia or his own father and was just doing what he had to in order to improve his own situation. The second, however, was more interesting, and implied that being a Death Eater was not rewarding him as he had expected. Snape nodded slowly.

"You take my meanings then?" he asked, standing and backing away from them.

"I do, which doesn't mean I trust or approve of them," said, turning his attention back to his wife. "Allosia, sweet, it's time to go," he whispered, as if this were merely another social engagement. He could hardly stand to look at her, and he wondered, disgusted with himself, at how right the Malfoy child had been.

She stirred then and looked at him pleadingly. There was no way she was walking up those stairs.

Turning to Malfoy again, he said, "Have your father call us a carriage," and when he saw the slightest bit of hesitation on his face, he added, "NOW," which reminded the younger man very much of when he was a student.

With that, Snape levitated his wife, and guided her up the stairs. What little part of him wasn't concentrating on this task was vividly imaging eviscerating Lucius Malfoy.


	16. anger

Disclaimer:  
  
Everything not Allosia or Gabriel belongs to JKR.  
  
-------  
  
As the carriage began to speed away from the Malfoy mansion, Snape lowered his face into his hands, letting out a shuddering sigh. His bruised and beaten wife lay across from him, asleep. Her injuries would heal, and she had, thanks to Draco Malfoy of all people, gotten off easily in at least one way. None of this made Snape feel any better. He wanted to kill Lucius, was terrified of how his debt to Draco might come due and absolutely dreaded the conversation he was going to have to have with Allosia about the reality of their situation.  
  
In fact, he knew, as soon as his anger at Malfoy wore off, he was going to be furious with her. Merlin's heart, he could have lost her.  
  
He peered through his fingers for a moment. Her eyes were open, and she was watching him.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  
  
"Not now," he said, his voice less kindly then he would have liked.  
  
"Where's Gabriel?"  
  
"With Dumbeldore."  
  
"Does he know?"  
  
"Merely that I was going to fetch you," he said, presuming she meant their son.  
  
She relaxed against the seat.  
  
"We'll talk later, Allosia. Rest now. Please."  
  
The desperation in his voice made her feel slightly nauseous and she descended into sleep again, much to his relief.  
  
  
  
When they arrived at Hogwarts, Snape brought her immediately to the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey who gasped. Snape bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from scolding her for her bedside manner. The injuries were shocking afterall, especially in good light.  
  
Snape paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair as Pomfrey busied herself with Allosia's injuries, hissing when she undid the bandage on her ankle. Snape looked up at the nurse then, inquiringly.  
  
"She'll be fine. Mostly, it looks worse than it is, although this may give her trouble for some time," she said, indicating the ankle. "There's tendon and ligament damage."  
  
Allosia started to come around, yet again, and Pomfrey acted painfully cheery. "Good, you're awake," she said. "I'm going to give you a couple of potions, and put some compresses on these wounds, and then we'll let you get some real rest, alright?"  
  
Allosia just nodded, and looked at her husband, and Pomfrey understood they needed a moment alone, and so excused herself to her office, to work up a treatment plan.  
  
"You were right, I shouldn't have gone, I'm sorry," she said quietly.  
  
The composure that Snape had just barely managed to maintain all night finally burst at the sound of such strange timidity in her voice, and he slammed his hand down as hard as he could on the table next to her bed, causing her to jump. "Dammit, Allosia! An apology is not going to change this or make me any less angry! I'm sorry you're cooped up here, I'm sorry this isn't what you thought you were getting into, I'm sorry I'm not whatever idiotic romance novel fantasy you may have in your head, but you can't just go wandering through the world as if nothing can ever touch you. It can, it did, and no matter how much I try to protect you, it will. I presume you at least understand that much now. This is what being married to me means, and if that's a condition you can tolerate continuing, I suggest you start taking it seriously."  
  
He had never raised his voice with her that way before, although certainly, she had witnessed such tirades under other circumstances, everyone at Hogwarts had. Through her thick and split lip, she said as dangerously as she could muster, "Don't be violent around me right now."  
  
He narrowed his eyes and rubbed his lips together as if he were going to say something else, but instead, turned on his heal and stormed out, without another glance or word for her.  
  
Allosia began to cry. 


	17. the eighth letter

Disclaimer:

Everything not Allosia of Gabriel belongs to JKR.

Whew good to get these last few chapters out of my system — it is not fun having these two being temperamental in your head, at least, not like this:

--------------

__

Allosia —

I am so very angry. At this moment, all my strength is going into not writing those five words over and over until they cover this page, cover these walls, cover my hands. I look at your injuries and I see a stranger, one I too want to harm because she took my wife from me. That I know you know this, that I saw it in your eyes just before I left your bedside, makes it hard to live with myself, but then, it always is. You know that much, I hope.

I wonder, more often then I'd care to admit, if our being together has any wisdom to it. You were of the world before you came here, before we met again, and now you are no longer. That you are miserable is clear, even as you sigh against me, even as you smile at our son. That I can do nothing to change this, but offer you your freedom, is dizzying. I would give it gladly, if it did not also mean removing myself from your life. At least for right now, there is no middle ground, if we wish to remain a family.

I am sorry that if you are to understand this that you must come to understand this, this way. I can only pray you know I will do everything in my power to change the way the world is now, for us, and for Gabriel. I am glad of him, although he is something that not only were we not ready for, but I think perhaps I will never be ready for. Sometimes, I am ashamed, and then one of you will just so much as glance at me. It is enough to silence my racing mind, which should be something of a miracle for anyone. 

I do not know how to explain what has happened tonight to him. I do not know how to explain the world to him, or how and why we and he fit into it in the way that we do. What will we tell him about our work, our lives, his heritage? We make too many secrets, Allosia. How do I tell my son, I could not bear to give him my family name?

A stronger man than I would go to you and beg your forgiveness now. But I am self-indulgent and must beg my own before I can bring myself to face you. I have to believe that we will find a way to forgive each other. Without that belief, I don't know that I could do another thing but sit at this desk, quill in hand until I simply stopped.

Your servant,

Your captor,

Severus Snape.


	18. suggestions

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Gabriel or Allosia belong to JKR.  
  
Further allusions to Snape and sick wards in here - I've written a lot of back story mentally on him, and that's where this comes from - both the breathing problems I refer to here and there, and also stuff about his mom that I haven't gone into any detail on yet- will be in the prequels, as will more info on that allusion a few chapters back to the purity of lack there of, of the Snape bloodline.  
  
---------------  
  
As Snape rose from filing his latest secret missive to Allosia, he heard as knock at his office door and Dumbledore entered, a sleeping Gabriel in his arms.  
  
"I thought you might want him back," Dumbeldore said good-naturedly, setting the boy down in a chair without waking him.  
  
"Thank you for watching him," Snape said, feeling uncomfortable.  
  
"It's no trouble at all. How's Allosia?"  
  
Snape ran a hand through his lank hair. "She'll be alright."  
  
"And you?" Dumbeldore asked.  
  
Snape shrugged. "That really depends on how she feels about being a virtual prisoner here, don't you think?" he said as sharply as he could through his exhaustion.  
  
"I don't really think it's as bad as all that, Severus."  
  
"No?" he said, whispering his anger because of his sleeping son. "There's a reason she hadn't been beyond Hogsmeade since the wedding, and I only let her go and do this because she had me half convinced that my real concern was that she would leave me and then Lucius goes and happens!"  
  
"Perhaps next time, you should travel with her then," Dumbledore said, trying to hide his slight amusement at Snape not seeing the obvious solution.  
  
"And what if I get called away?" he asked, holding up his marked arm.  
  
"Then have her apparate with the baby to Hogsmeade."  
  
Snape sighed. It was almost a good solution, but still screamed opportunities for accidents and worse to happen. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's all rather moot at the moment, anyway," he said by way of not having to acknowledge Dumbledore's correctness.  
  
"Did you fight already?"  
  
Snape raised his head and looked at the headmaster. He suspected the man had known already, and was just waiting for him to tell his dreadful version of the whole thing. "More or less. I screamed at her, she told me to get out, effectively."  
  
"I can't imagine your temper would be very easy for her to deal with right now. Do you even know what happened to her yet."  
  
"Malfoy et al beat the shit out of her for a day, what's there to know."  
  
"The details Severus, the details," Dumbledore said in a sad whisper, "may inform why her usual perseverance in dealing with your tempers might very well be lacking. I suggest you consider it, before you raise the issue with her again."  
  
"Poppy will have her for at least a day anyway," he said, brushing the wisdom aside. He was embarrassed. He should have known better.  
  
"And that is no reason not to visit her."  
  
"Albus you know - "  
  
"Sick wards make you uncomfortable? They do us all, you're at least equipped to deal with them."  
  
Snape nodded, feeling a bit vanquished. He looked at his son. "I should get him up to bed." In passing he thought the child was a blessing, if only as a way to get out of conversations he didn't want to deal with.  
  
Dumbeldore nodded. "Of course, of course, if you need anything, let me know."  
  
And turned to leave, Snape following behind with the boy in his arms. 


	19. whispers

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
Exaudio belong to RJ Anderson  
  
Because this story is still, at it's heart, a romance...  
  
-----------  
  
Snape stepped quietly into the empty hospital wing and made his way to his wife's bed. He sat down, not next to it, but across from it, and he watched her from the shadows. Already, thanks to Pomfrey's ministrations, and probably potions he had brewed for her himself at some point, Allosia's condition was starting to improve. The swelling was down and most of her bruising had faded from blacks and purples to reds and pinks, although he suspected it would be another couple of days before she looked entirely herself. And then, of course, there was the ankle.  
  
He glanced at the table by her bedside, empty but for a box of tissues. He worked his hand quietly at his side; it was sore from his earlier outburst. He had heard her crying as he left, and wondered how long that had gone on, if she had stopped of her own accord, or if she had eventually been given potions to allow his own poor behavior to trouble her another day.  
  
Lost in thought, he drummed his fingers over his lips, but started, when she heard her ask after him.  
  
"Severus," she said sleepily, and he presumed it was in a dream until her eyes opened.  
  
Quickly, he went to sit on the edge of her bed. "I didn't know you were awake."  
  
"It's hard to miss you staring."  
  
"I'm sorry, I hadn't want to disturb you."  
  
"Not up to facing me yet?"  
  
He hung his head. "Didn't Poppy give you Dreamless Sleep?" he asked, changing the subject.  
  
"Dreamless, not sound," she said, shifting uncomfortably.  
  
"You're looking much better already, how do you feel?"  
  
"Sore. Not right."  
  
Snape gave her a puzzled look.  
  
"Pain is one thing, the distortions of my body are another," she said by way of explanation.  
  
He ran a finger along her hairline, and she smiled weakly.  
  
"You are so very furious with me," she stated softly, looking merely for confirmation.  
  
"Merely furious, Allosia. Things should not have to be this way. And I would not blame you if you decided the situation to be beyond your perseverance."  
  
"Please stop trying to make me leave you. If I were to, it would be because of the strains we put on each other, not the constraints of the world we both happen to live in. You can't eliminate the possibility of my hurting you, but every time you try, you do grievous injury to one of us. I cannot make this relationship safer for you, any more than you can make the world safer for me, so please stop asking the impossible of me." While her voice was gentle, it was also weary, with more than the events of the last two days. "Where's the baby?" she asked then.  
  
"In bed."  
  
"I wish you wouldn't leave him alone."  
  
Snape smiled then and tapped his ear. "Exaudio."  
  
Allosia let a slight smile form on her mouth. "Clever. Still -"  
  
"I won't make a habit of it."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Sit up for a second," he said.  
  
She did, although she looked at him quizicly as she made the effort, with him assisting. He slid behind her then, leaning himself against the headboard and then pulled her body back against his.  
  
"Comfortable?" he asked.  
  
She nodded, and made a soft sound.  
  
"Good," he said, in quiet voice, the type of voice used to soothe horses and offer unspoken instruction.  
  
Very slowly, he raised his hand to her face, and rested his fingers ever so lightly on her cheek. Allosia flinched.  
  
"Tell me if I hurt you," he said.  
  
"No," she said, her voice nervous, "it's just, I'm more aware of how I must look when you do that."  
  
"Shhhhh. Just close your eyes, listen to my voice" he said with some quiet urgency.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she made a pointed effort to relax into him. He made a soft noise of approval and began slowly moving his fingertips over her face, feeling each contour, each mark,, each bit of swelling.  
  
Occasionally she would hiss or tense for a moment, and Snape would pause, lightening his touch if he could, but not removing it. The whole time he mumbled in her ear small soothing words and sounds, and as he had said, she did her best just to focus on that.  
  
Despite her embarrassment over how her face (and for that matter the rest of her body) must look and feel, this felt good, and safe and the small movements and sounds were a welcome contrast to the grand and ugly gestures of the prior 36 hours.  
  
He ran his hand along her jaw to her ear and then slowly down to her neck where the skin was still ugly and raw from whatever had been looped around her neck. That, perhaps more than any of it, galled him. It emphasized the risk she had been in. It also emphasized the insult Malfoy had meant the entire escapade to be.  
  
Allosia flinched again, this time more violently and did not relax right away.  
  
"Does that hurt?" he asked.  
  
"It burns."  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, but did not remove his fingers. "How does your face feel?" he asked softly.  
  
"A little better," she replied with some curiosity.  
  
Snape, ignoring the implied question, merely said, "Good," and continued to stroke his fingers along her throat, making indulgent shushing noises, at each flinch and start from her. He resisted the urge to chuckle or to weep with gratitude when one of her little sounds was clearly that of pleasure, rather than pain or fear. With every third or fourth caress Allosia's breath would catch in her throat and he would smile and hum slightly in her ear.  
  
"Severus?" she eventually asked, "what -"  
  
"Shhhhh." And it was enough to silence her as he slipped his hand from her neck, down her body and between her legs.  
  
She started in earnest then, and he just shushed her again and held her against him. "There's no one here. Poppy's asleep," and he was glad when she began to relax and he did not have to continue to justify his actions.  
  
When she came, quietly and with small shudders he held onto her against, she reached up and placed one of her hands against the side of his face. He was forgiven. And he was grateful. Such touches to her meant love, but to him meant acceptance. That she could take pleasure, not merely in what he could do to her, but that it was he doing it, was hope against the despair.  
  
After a time, she fell asleep against him, and he slipped out from under her. After arranging her pillows and pulling her covers up neatly to her chin, he slipped out of the wing as quietly as he had arrived. 


	20. gifts

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
  
  
--------  
  
Snape watched Allosia carefully as she entered their quarters for the first time since her trip and her assault at the hands of Lucius Malfoy. Her step was tentative because of more than the limp and she looked around as if she were seeing much of their apartments for the first time. He was tempted to question her about it, but realized he didn't need to. The look was familiar enough, she hadn't known she was going to make it back here and what should have seemed like a few days had because of ugly events grown to seem like a few weeks.  
  
"I had everything sent, from the inn," Snape said, gesturing at the packages and her suitcase sitting in the corner as Allosia sat down in front of Gabriel who was deeply engrossed in a wood puzzle he was somewhat unlikely to solve. Most of the adults he had shown it to could never figure it out either.  
  
"Most of it is for you two," she said, ruffling her boy's black hair as he looked up at her, giggled and went back to trying to bend the inflexible components of the puzzle.  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow at the boy's strategy and then looked at Allosia. "He seems unperturbed by recent events."  
  
"Thank Merlin."  
  
"This is only going to get more complex," Snape said, thinking of how little the boy could be allowed to know about him.  
  
Allosia sighed, but before she could reply, Gabriel looked from her to his father. "You're talking about me," he said with glee and went back to his puzzle.  
  
Snape then raised both eyebrows at Allosia in a silent laugh.  
  
"Well, who else should I talk about?" she asked, poking the boy in the arm.  
  
Gabriel laughed loudly and poked her back.  
  
Indicating the packages Snape asked, "Shall we open them or were you saving them for Christmas?"  
  
"Oh, you may very much open them, but let me sort them out for you all," she said, getting up with some stiffness.  
  
"I already found the candle," he said softly.  
  
"Oh!" she said with surprise.  
  
"I didn't realize you were up to repeating so vile a hangover."  
  
"I think I can handle it."  
  
"I should hope so," and his grin was predatory. "We'll finish that later, Gabriel," he said taking the puzzle from the boy. "Your mother brought you things from her trip."  
  
With that, she sat down in front of him again, and placed some wrapped packages between them. The boy tore into them, revealing a set of toy dinosaurs, that like wizard chess pieces, would assault and attack each other over and over again, only to return to pristine condition after each mock battle. Allosia showed him the different dinosaurs, naming them, and explaining that some would fight with their tails and other were biters, as the toy animals demonstrated on each other. There was also a tree as part of the set, and as she explained that some of the reptiles preferred to eat plants, Snape took out his wand and aimed it at the toy tree, which then quickly slapped an approaching dinosaur out of the way. Gabriel squealed in delight and Allosia looked up at her husband as if he were insane.  
  
"He should know that some trees hit," he said plainly.  
  
"Indeed," she said dryly. "Not all trees do that, Gabriel," she said, but he continued to set the dinosaurs on the tree to watch it beat them back over and over again. She couldn't help but laugh. "Open yours," she said, turning to her husband.  
  
He was more delicate with the paper, taking the time to remove it neatly from the boxes. He smiled gently as he looked through the papers and quills she had purchased.  
  
"So you can start teaching Gabriel," she said as he got to the thick child quills.  
  
He froze for a moment, thinking about his usual teaching demeanor and then nodded.  
  
Finally, he came to the last package. "You should not have gone to Knockturn," he said quietly, without his usual menace.  
  
She looked at him waiting for the argument to start up again.  
  
"I've said my piece," he said, and returned his attention to the package.  
  
From the paper, he lifted out a small velvet box, opening it, he gasped slightly at the delicate antique velvet watch within. Caressing its face, he whispered, "it's very beautiful."  
  
"It's also a bit of a pensieve," she said. "It will record any memory you wish while wearing it. Then you, or whoever else is wearing it may replay the memory and experience the emotions and sensation of it."  
  
He pondered this, and her quirked smile for a moment as the possibilities registered. Not only was the gift beautiful and intriguing, not only could it be put to unusual purpose, but it also showed a keen understanding of his needs. With this watch, he could show her exactly how he felt and she could return the favour.  
  
Smiling down at it again, he muttered, "this is staggeringly thoughtful."  
  
"I'm glad you approve. Be careful with it."  
  
"Yes," he said gasping slightly at all the trouble such a device could create.  
  
Misinterpreting the sound, she added, "Don't worry, I had it cleaned of its former owner."  
  
He nodded, continuing to gaze at its fine silver work, as Gabriel's dinosaurs continued to roar and assault each other. 


	21. the limp

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.

__

----------

It took some time for me to recover from the events of my trip. The ankle bothered me well into the term, and my limp could at times be quite pronounced. Students asked after it, and I told them it was a flying accident, although I heard two Hufflepuffs speculating on a physical fight between Severus and myself at one point. I found the matter too sad to interject myself into, even to bother to take points for gossiping. I did not mention it to my husband.

My face, having returned to normal visually did not feel right to me for many weeks as if the tissue under the skin had become suddenly denser. Many a night was spent with Severus gently running his fingers over my face; it seemed to help, but I never knew why. He was careful of me in other ways as well, trying not to argue or raise his voice, trying to spend more time with Gabriel.

His caution though, made me more than a little insane, because I didn't know whether he was afraid of me or us breaking. Even in bed, for mere sleep, he would put his arm around me with a strange hesitation. I could not get close enough to him. Sometimes, I felt as if I were living with a ghost, in our circumstances, a thought too terrible to speculate on.

It was a few weeks before I was able to relate to him what I remembered of my time at the Malfoy estate. It was not something I had wanted to share, but eventually in halting detail I was able to tell him about the chase in the woods, the punches, and Draco whispering terrifying reassurances to me. The unfortunate and accidental pleasure of the rope around my neck was another matter entirely, although he understood how that had allowed my mind to find its way to him through the thick blood of that long day.

Of course, this was no accident. It was a message, less for me, than for Severus. The composure I had had, left me at that, and I had bawled for a good hour. Sev held me tightly throughout, and I was grateful for the lack of caution. I believe it was then that he'd begun to consider his revenge on Lucius. After my confessions the man I knew, and all the attendant difficulties of being with him returned, although he did spend more time with us than he had before my trip.

Watching him teach Gabriel to write was difficult. He was not used to small children, with motor control not matched to our own. To see his face contort as he tried not to treat the boy as he did his students was sad, not because he did not succeed admirably, but because of how much anger he clearly held for his own short temper. He would often stand and take a lap or two of the apartment to burn his energy and frustration before returning to the boy.

During term, we tried to balance the need of eating together as a family and the professionalism required of us as teachers. It was not easy. It was as inappropriate for us to avoid the Hall to eat meals with Gabriel as it was for him to sit at his own chair at the head table. While I could, and did often sit with him on my lap during breakfast, it was a matter of time before that arrangement became entirely unsuitable and the solution of Gabriel having a small children's table behind our seats was come to. It would have been much better, had other professors at Hogwarts had young children, but it did well enough. Although, I can only imagine how odd it must have seemed to the students, Severus alternating between glaring at them, playing miserably with his food, and turning to check on his boy. Amongst the students, Gabriel became known simply as "the spawn." I'm sure some of them expected him to grow horns.

Severus wore the watch I had given him often enough, although if he recorded anything with it, he did not tell me at that time. Of course, we fully intended to play with it for certain erotic purposes, but we both felt great caution over the artifact, considering unspoken that it might possibly record the stray thoughts and distractions of married desire.

Even as things improved between us, the months leading up to Gabriel's second birthday were exhausting, as Severus' duties as head of Slytherin House took on a supervisory urgency that was atypical of what was usually required of him. 


	22. the other pregnancy

All things not Allosia, Gabriel, or the gang of Slytherin idiots introduced in this chapter belong to JKR. Plus, without JKR I wouldn't even be able to make these wonderful people up.  
  
-----------  
  
Snape threw himself into the guest chair in his wife's small office and sighed loudly.  
  
Allosia, for her part, glanced up from her papers, somewhat bemused. "Bad day?"  
  
"Bad day?!" he echoes standing and beginning to pace rapidly back and forth. "One of my Chasers is pregnant!"  
  
Allosia rolled her eyes in sympathy. "Petri?"  
  
"None other, but that doesn't even begin to sum up the absurd grotesquerie of the situation."  
  
"She doesn't know who the father is?" Allosia asked, playing along.  
  
"Oh she knows. She knows it's either Julien Byrsta or Howard Vyveratz." Snape was so disgusted he was almost spitting.  
  
Allosia winced. "Do they even know about each other?"  
  
"Well, I should hope so, considering the conception apparently occurred as the result of a menage-a-trois they had."  
  
Allosia dropped her head onto her desk trying not to laugh. "Oh they didn't."  
  
"Oh they did, and Miss Petri was kind-hearted enough to tell me far, far more about it than I ever possibly needed to know."  
  
"Such as that it happened at all?" she asked with a smirk.  
  
"So good of you to understand me," he said sarcastically, and threw himself into the chair again. He rested his elbows on her desk and let his head fall forward into his hands.  
  
"There's more isn't there?"  
  
"The boys had a fist fight about it this morning in the Lair."  
  
"The Lair?"  
  
"Slytherin Common Room. "  
  
"Ah," she said, by way of forcing herself not to giggle at Slytherin pretentiousness rearing its head yet again. "So are they each hoping to be the father or not hoping to be the father?"  
  
"Hoping to be the father, presumably so that everyone who is aware of this little escapade will have something to talk about other than what those two boys got up to with each other."  
  
Allosia put a hand over her mouth. "Oh dear."  
  
"OH DEAR?! Oh Dear?! Allosia, I'm about to loose one of my star Quidditch players, I'm in the unfortunate position of trying to figure out what to do that is both right by the standards of this institution and beneficial to my own House, and Julien Byrsta, one of the finest students I've ever taught here, is fighting to have his future destroyed by some adolescent attempt at decadence!"  
  
Allosia considered the whole ghastly situation and realized her husband probably didn't want actual, useful advice at this juncture. "Does Dumbeldore know?"  
  
"I certainly haven't told him, nor do I intend to until I can find a way to solve this unholy MESS! Although of course I'm sure he knows by now. Dammit!" he exclaimed getting up and pacing again. "In all my years of teaching I have never had to deal with such nonsense. These sorts of scandals are far more Gryffindor's style. Or with those wretched Hufflepuffs that getting themselves engaged at thirteen."  
  
"Hufflepuffs? Menage-a-trois?" Allosia asked, trying to be funny.  
  
"Student pregnancies," he responded bitingly.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry, I'm nearly as shocked as you."  
  
"Oh why, why is everyone so resoundingly, uncontrollably ignorant, incompetent and in the way of the so very few people that have the miraculous ability to function in society without mucking it up for everyone else?"  
  
"Does she even want to have the baby?"  
  
"Well, it is the latest fashion accessory around here."  
  
Allosia just stared at him, open-mouthed. "Surely, you jest."  
  
"I have no idea. It's rather besides the point when I've got students brawling about it though, don't you think?"  
  
She sighed.  
  
"I'm going to have to spend a ridiculous amount of time with them in the Lair later sorting this nonsense out."  
  
"I understand," Allosia said with sympathy, shaking her head.  
  
"Are you willing to talk to Petri?"  
  
"I'm not a Slytherin," she said defensively, wanting little to do with this mess beyond being a patient ear for Snape.  
  
"But you are a woman, you're not head of another House and you are my wife, and I really know way too much about that girl's relationship with gods, country and genitalia already."  
  
"I don't really know her Severus."  
  
"Please," he looked at her with a look that was both pleading and stern.  
  
"If you feel that it would help," she said with not much conviction.  
  
"Tell her how much labor hurts. Tell her how much we fight, tell her –"  
  
"I'm not convincing her to have an abortion. If she wants to, that's fine, but I'm not making it my decision."  
  
"Just make sure she makes a decision. If she decides to leave Hogwarts that's one thing, but I do not want to be in the position of having to order her removal and those two boys with her. She needs to figure out what she is doing so everyone else can make their attendant decisions and above all it must be done quickly and quietly!"  
  
Allosia sighed. "Did you still want to go to lunch?" 


	23. a perfect world

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia, Gabriel and the three idiot Slytherins at issue in this section belong to JKR. Of course, without here, I wouldn't even be able to make these people up.  
  
Sorry about the weird place to leave you all hanging – it was another case of "if I don't get this onto paper and out of my head my characters are going to drive me mad." As ever, a method to said madness should become clear soon.  
  
----------  
  
Allosia sat in her office after dinner staring at the pregnant chaser. She had only agreed to speak with Julia Petri because she thought the girl herself wouldn't agree to it. The seventh-year was all too willing though, making a mockery out of Snape's typical assertion that all good Slytherin's knew how to keep their private lives private.  
  
Not really sure how she wanted to deal with the Petri problem, Allosia settled on starting with a stern tone and seeing where it needed to go from there.  
  
"You've created quite a bit of excitement around here, Miss Petri. Your head of house is most unhappy."  
  
The girl merely nodded.  
  
"I hardly need to inform you why I might find all this to be disruptive to my life as well."  
  
"No, ma'am."  
  
"Alright, now before we continue, I also feel obligated to inform you that I'm even less interested in the details of this situation than Professor Snape is, since the lot of you aren't strictly speaking, my problem. Which isn't to say, I don't care, but it is to say you would do well to watch your enthusiasm as to how you got into this mess around me. Am I clear?"  
  
"Yes, professor."  
  
"Good. Now do you want to tell me where your head is about all this right now?"  
  
"I just wish they'd stop acting like this was all about them!"  
  
Allosia chuckled. "Yes, I think many people would be grateful for that."  
  
"Professor Snape told you about the fight."  
  
"Among other things."  
  
The girl made a face then.  
  
"Believe me, I'm as sorry about it as you are, although I will give you some small credit for at least making a difficult situation interesting."  
  
Petri smiled slightly at this. "I just have no idea what to do."  
  
"Well, do you have any idea what you'd want to do in the perfect world this isn't? It's a good enough starting point for a real world solution."  
  
Just as the girl was beginning to ponder this, Snape strode into the office, Gabriel in his arms and his jaw set.  
  
"Professor," Petri said as she stood up.  
  
"Sit down, Miss Petri, I'm not here to talk to you," he said with a snarl as he put Gabriel down on Allosia's desk. Pointing at Allosia, "I need a word," he added.  
  
She stood up, and followed him into her classroom, closing the door on Julia Petri as she went.  
  
He grabbed her face and kissed her forehead. "I've been called away," he said.  
  
"Alright," she said, wondering at the animatedness of his reaction.  
  
"Wait up," he said. "I think you might find whatever I have to report very interesting."  
  
Allosia cocked an eyebrow at this.  
  
"You-Know-Who is, apparently less than pleased about Lucius' little stunt with you," he said as he left the room in a swirl of robes, his eyes glittering.  
  
Allosia sighed. The whole business made her nervous, and she certainly wished her husband didn't relish vengence quite so much.  
  
Returning to her office, she was greeting with a giggling Gabriel and a crying Julia Petri.  
  
Allosia Hemrand sighed; it was going to be a long night. 


	24. discussions

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia, Gabriel or the idiot Slytherins causing the current drama belong to JKR. Of course, without her, I couldn't make up any of these wonderful people, so she kinda has dibs on them too.  
  
For those of you who have not yet discovered Ghosts, omitted scenes, please check my story listing on Fanfiction.net – I have FINALLY written the first time Allosia and Snape have sex. So go read that and just let me quietly be embarrassed and hang out over here and work on this plot stuff for a while.  
  
----------  
  
"I need to put him down to sleep, we can continue this discussion if you'd like, but it will have to be in my quarters," she said.  
  
Petri quieted, thought about this for a moment, and agreed. Allosia was almost certain it was as much from curiosity about her professors as anything else. She could live with that, it might even be useful.  
  
"Here we are," Allosia said, swinging the door open. "Why don't you have a seat and I'll be with you in a moment," she said indicating one of the chairs in front of the hearth, as she took Gabriel around the corner to the alcove that now housed his bed. She and Snape were using her old rooms, as their private space now.  
  
Through the wall, Petri could faintly hear Allosia singing to the boy, and then telling him she'd be in to check on him soon.  
  
Allosia returned to the sitting room, and sighed as she settled into the other chair. Petri smiled at her awkwardly then, and Allosia replied to the unasked question, "Yes, I've had an incredibly long day."  
  
"Please don't take offense, Professor –"  
  
"But?"  
  
"I'd have to imagine every day, with both a child and Professor Snape would be very long."  
  
Allosia smiled. "No offense taken. Thank you for having the sense to see that."  
  
"Is he – " Petri stopped herself.  
  
"Any different outside of the classroom?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"We knew each other as students, Julia, so there's a lot of life in us from when our worlds were very different. If I were to say more to you than that, regardless of the answer, it would be too much information."  
  
Petri nodded, but made a quizzical face.  
  
"Yes, I am being intentionally vague. Now, shall we return to discussing your situation?"  
  
"Of course, Professor."  
  
"You were about tell me what you wanted to do in an ideal world."  
  
"I don't want to be just another Slytherin wife, I'll tell you that much," she said, disgust in her voice.  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning Julien and Howard seem to think fighting over me is somehow relevant to the situation."  
  
"Severus has given me the impression that that may be out of some embarrassment they are suffering due to the public nature of the situation."  
  
"It's only public because they were rolling around on the floor wrestling with each other."  
  
Allosia raised and eyebrow.  
  
"I know, I thought it was rather obvious too."  
  
"Alright, so you don't want to marry either of them. Do you want to have a baby right now?"  
  
"I don't not want to have this child, but do I want to have it right now, gods no!"  
  
"You are aware you have a myriad of options in that regard, yes."  
  
"Yes, all completely awful!"  
  
"Let's hear your reasoning, it may help."  
  
Petri took her through it then. Having the child would disrupt all her plans and consign her to being of little interest in the world of high- society Slytherins for anything other than her genetics. Having an abortion would be unpleasant, emotionally draining and create another set of problems with the boys. Putting the child on hold, while an option would force her to make legally binding decisions about her life five or ten years down the line, and she hadn't the faintest idea who she'd be then. Going to the trouble of having the baby and placing it with another family seemed particularly punishing. Quite simply, short of misappropriating a time tuner all of the answers were bad.  
  
  
  
Snape gave Lucius a predatory smile as he slowly extended his wand towards the man. Lucius, unarmed, did his bad to stay still and not break the gaze he had locked on his former classmate's eyes.  
  
The smile broadened then, as Snape's arm reached it's full extension and he slowly lowered it bringing his want to point at the floor a foot in front of where Lucius stood. He loved the feel of the energy in the room, as everyone held their breath, the exceptions being Lucius who was trying to keep his steady, Voldemort, who never seemed to breathe anyway, and Snape himself who seemed as relaxed as most ever saw him.  
  
When Lucius didn't take his meaning, Snape glanced away from him for a moment, quirking his mouth for the audience before returning his attention to the blond man. A slight flick of his wrist and an inquiringly raised eyebrow, and Lucius kneeled in the spot he indicated. Yes, so much better to just cooperate. Unconsciously, Snape flicked his tongue over his lower lip. Lucius finally decided to stop looking at him.  
  
  
  
Allosia sighed. "May I ask you something, only partially relevant to this situation? You may refuse to answer if you wish."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"Can you tell me why it is that all Slytherins seem to despise their House or at least, what all their contemporaries do with being a member of said House?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean I've yet to meet one of you who isn't hell bent on being the exception to whatever they have decided the rules of being Slytherin are. And most seem quite miserable about it."  
  
Petri absorbed this, and nodded, understanding, she thought, the root of the question. "Rank is all, Professor Hemrand. If you are not first, your best bet is to place yourself outside of the system, don't you think?"  
  
Allosia nodded. The girl would give her no deeper insight than this.  
  
  
  
"What will it be Lucius? Hrmmm? What type of punishment do you think you deserve?"  
  
Lucius, predictably didn't say a word.  
  
"I really don't know what you were thinking either. Putting our objectives at risk, putting yourself, your son and the young Mister Crabbe at risk. Putting me at risk, all because you felt like taking some ridiculous school days grudge against me out on my wife. What were you thinking, Lucius?"  
  
"You show a distinct lack of respect, Severus for the way things should be done."  
  
"Do I? Or do I do what needs to be done in a very challenging situation? I think it is you who shows a lack of respect. Harming a potential informant who will do whatever I say, putting me and my line in jeopardy, creating distractions none of us need from our work. I think you need some instruction on the subject of respect, Lucius," he said, saying the name insinuatingly. "Fortunately for you, I don't really have the time or inclination."  
  
  
  
After a long silence, Petri interrupted Allosia's musings on her husband's wellbeing. "I think, I am starting to focus in on a decision."  
  
"I'm most pleased to hear that. Is there anything about it you would like to discuss with me further?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Alright. I know that Severus has little interest in this matter going beyond Slytherin House, so I would suggest that when your decision is reached and the boys informed you let Professor Snape know the ramifications of it. If it can be helped, I think we would both prefer not to know any details that do not directly affect life here. I will add though that I know, that if you need to discuss this in any detail, he will be there for you in his way. Just don't expect him to be happy about it."  
  
Patri gave a half-hearted smile at this. "It's alright, Professor. Slytherins are used to keeping quiet," she said, standing to go. "Thank you for talking to me."  
  
  
  
Snape paced slowly around the still kneeling Lucius in a tight circle, wand trained on him the entire time. He sensed his audience getting impatient, but he also understood this was only because he was unnerving them. Generally, he spoke as little as he could at these gatherings, and disappeared with his instructions and injuries at the earliest possible opportunity. This level of sensual wrath and pride from him was not a version one could comfortably prefer.  
  
Snape whispered the Cruciatus curse. Lucius writhed, then screamed and fell onto his stomach. Clawing at the floor Snape stepped out of the way in disgust as the man grabbed at the hem of his robes, presumably to beg. With disinterest, Snape ended the spell and smiled again.  
  
"Imperius!" he said coolly, noting how Lucius' body stiffened and relaxed, eyes becoming unfocused. "Sit up, man, have some dignity," and Lucius climbed back to his knees.  
  
"Very good," Snape continued, a cat playing with a seemingly immortal wounded mouse. "Now, ask me to perform Crucio on you." 


	25. pleasures

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
No copyright infringement intended. No hope, no chance, no desire to make money off of this. Just playing, because, well, how can one not?  
  
Once again, I elide over sex at the end of this, although this is another missing scene I'll eventually write, if only because I spent too much time in a meeting thinking about it today and it's worth sharing. Other missing chapters that will get written – the night after they get engaged (end of Ghosts), wedding night (maybe with a wedding fic, maybe not).  
  
More first person stuff soon, and some background on why Lucius and Severus so despise each other.  
  
---------  
  
While toying with Lucius Malfoy for a good hour had been pleasing, it was hardly a complete or ultimately satisfying revenge. Afterall, Allosia had been at his mercy for a whole 24 hours, and the only person available to reign him in had been Draco. On the plus side, Snape knew what the public humiliation would do to the man.  
  
He realized Crabbe and Draco would have to be dealt with, but at this unpleasant little display all conducted with Voldemort's approval and amusement it might be better to let them wait and worry. Plus, it was Draco who had informed Snape of this impending opportunity. For his part, he remained unsure as to whether that was at the Dark Lord's request or if the younger Malfoy was being inappropriately generous, yet again.  
  
Lucius dealt with, what little business there was to be handled was conducted, and then Voldemort excused himself. Snape did not want to think to what other activities.  
  
He looked down at Lucius, still lying on the floor, finding his breath. Snape couldn't help himself, and lightly raised his foot to place his boot for a moment on the man's throat. Lucius made some vague and halfhearted attempted to spit at him.  
  
"Don't tempt me," Snape said harshly. "And don't ever, ever touch what's mine again. I've little enough and am covetous enough that it will not be over looked. Next time I will not ask permission to have my vengence."  
  
"I hope you care for your father as expertly as you did my wife," Snape snapped at Draco then, before apparating back to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
The assemblage was more than relieved to see him go. Draco, for his part, shifted his gaze from his father to light himself a cigarette. He thought Snape's display had been most entertaining.  
  
  
  
Entering the rooms he shared with Allosia and still feeling wound up from his little dance with Lucius Malfoy, Snape smiled and relaxed slightly at the sight of her asleep in a chair by the fire.  
  
He closed the door more quietly than he normally would have then, and glided over to her, kneeling by her chair. He whispered her name several times until she came around and looked at him through her sleep.  
  
"Hey," she said, reaching for him and then hesitating to touch.  
  
"It's alright. Nothing, unacceptable, occurred." He said stiffly, pausing between each word.  
  
Internally she winced at the word choice, and all it conveyed by omission, but she was too tired for it to show on her face. She let herself continue the gesture then, brushing her hand lightly across the side of his face, the particular texture of him so familiar to her.  
  
"What happened?" she asked  
  
He smiled then, slyly, and with great show removed the watch she had gifted him with from his wrist. He held it out to her then. "If you wish," he said encouragingly.  
  
"Your revenge I take it?"  
  
"Yes. Not nearly what was deserved, I might add. But it's there, if you'd like to know."  
  
"What a way to test this thing out," she said grimly, fidgeting with the piece.  
  
As he walked to the bathroom to bathe, she fastened the watch around her own wrist.  
  
"How did things go with Miss Petri?" he asked her from the doorway.  
  
"Gabriel's sleeping," she said, trying to quiet him. "I'll tell you all about it when you get out."  
  
He nodded, and shut the door behind him. Allosia cast her fingers counter clockwise over the watch face and was forcibly pulled into a daydream.  
  
  
  
This was most definitely not like a pensieve, she thought, although the concept was similar. Instead of being in the action, or watching it clearly in a contained space, these were clear images, impressed upon her mind's eye with the sharp feeling of someone riding her, the way spirits do in possession. Eyes told her where to look, and breathing, breathing told her what to feel.  
  
The perspective of the images seemed odd to her, until she remembered that, of course, Snape was both taller and more long limbed than herself. The world from this height, intoxicating, but then she realized part of that was he and his mood. Power has a particular taste.  
  
  
  
Snape exited the bathroom and watched her carefully. Glassy eyed and silent, she was unaware of him standing in the doorway. Occasionally she would breath softly, or a smile would creep up her face. Finally, she came back to herself, with a shake of her head.  
  
"How was it?" he asked, lasciviously.  
  
She shuddered. "I forget what you're like," she said. Her voice was not friendly.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"You enjoyed that."  
  
He nodded his head in acquiescence. "Your point?"  
  
"It's unsettling."  
  
"Is it any different from your interrogations?" he asked gently.  
  
"I don't hurt them."  
  
"The nature of the pleasure though?"  
  
"I suppose. It's just –" she paused and stood then, walking past him to the bathroom, "it's too close to how you are with me, how I am with you," she said softly unwilling to meet his eye.  
  
"No, Allosia. I admit, it's close to the nature of some of the pleasure I take from sex, but I feel no awe of Lucius."  
  
She smiled, but was clearly still uncomfortable. "I think I need to bathe too," she said and closed the door.  
  
Snape sighed heavily, and waited until he heard the water turn on, before following her.  
  
  
  
Allosia was standing in the water, not moving, just enjoying the heat.  
  
He put the toilet lid down, and sat. "So tell me about Miss Petri," he said, hoping the topic change would be effective.  
  
"Well, we came up here."  
  
He cut her off, amused. "Really?"  
  
"Gabriel needed to go to bed, and I thought if I showed the girl some trust she might respond in kind."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"I made her talk through all her options. None of which satisfy her of course."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"And she eventually said that she was narrowing in on a solution. I expect she'll let you know the ramifications of that in the next day or two."  
  
"She didn't tell you?"  
  
"Considering you don't want the situation going beyond your House I figured it would be best if we didn't have to know any of the specifics."  
  
He nodded. "Thank you."  
  
"I think your quidditch team is reasonably safe, although she may miss a few practices."  
  
Snape nodded. "Julien then too." His relief was evident.  
  
"Yes, I don't think she has a serious interest in either of the boys."  
  
Snape nodded. "Unsurprising," he said, standing and removing his robe before climbing into the shower with her.  
  
"Hello," she said, smiling, her mood having improved.  
  
"Do you really think I'd so much as contemplate doing anything like this with Lucius?" he asked sarcastically, his hair dripping water into her face.  
  
"I don't know, you've never told me what that particular grudge match is about."  
  
He captured her mouth with his then, stalling, if not ending that particular conversation. 


	26. confessions

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel and other random OCs belong to JKR. Hell, she can have my OCs if she wants too. No attempt to make anything other than amusement here.  
  
  
  
----------  
  
They leaned against each other, at the edge of the alcove, watching their son sleep.  
  
"He looks like you," Allosia said quietly.  
  
Snape made a noise of agreement, then, "the eyes are yours."  
  
She nodded; it was true. On that face that was long and already angular for so young a child were eyes that were quite as almond shaped as her own. And where Snape's glittered black his were a light brown that Allosia imagined might become tinged with green as her own were as he aged. The bone structure though, was all her husband's.  
  
Gabriel's hair was as black as theirs and seemed likely to be as unruly. For the moment it was all kept quite short, except the bangs, which with his side part hung to his nose. If Snape remembered this as his own hairstyle as a child, he never commented on it to Allosia.  
  
He sighed loudly then.  
  
"What?" she asked, twisting her head to look at him.  
  
"Just remembering," he said softly.  
  
"When this was ours?"  
  
He pursed his lips and nodded.  
  
"You don't regret Gabriel do you?"  
  
"No," he said, making the word long. "He's wonderful." Snape's voice remained distant.  
  
"Or marrying me?"  
  
"Gods no, absolutely not."  
  
"I know it hasn't been easy lately."  
  
"I just regret not having the tools for you both," he said quietly.  
  
"You do alright," she said, knowing this wasn't a time to confront the small and not so miseries of their lives.  
  
"Ah, but will I do alright when we have no choice but for him to attend Hogwarts? Will I do alright when this war ends not in months or even years? This is a terrible microcosm, Allosia, especially should the boy do more than look like me."  
  
She looked at him sharply in the way he always did when he worried his failings, both imagined and not, were likely to have been passed on. "That's a long way away, Severus. We'll all be wiser then."  
  
"And I will be no more patient."  
  
She chuckled at this. "Let's go to bed," she whispered, brushing her fingers lightly against his robe.  
  
  
  
She curled around him, and they both lay clearly awake in the darkness for some time. Finally, she whispered, "Tell me about Lucius."  
  
Snape remained motionless, but did not refuse. Allosia knew if she waited long enough he would tell the story.  
  
"Our first year, was not pleasant. Well, none of them were really. At any rate, Lucius was in my business from the Sorting on. Far too interested in my heritage, had heard things about the Snapes and so forth and so on. Not much of it was untrue as I'm sure you've gleaned from all my melodramatic warnings by now."  
  
Allosia snorted at his attempt at self-deprecation. "Go on."  
  
"I didn't find it pleasant, or comfortable. I wanted to study. I had tasks for myself, plans. I don't really know to what degree this goes on amongst girls, but it was not uncommon then, and it doesn't seem to be any more uncommon now, for younger boys to forge," he paused, looking for the word, "allegiances with older ones. Sometimes they were sexual. And in those cases many of them were not, strictly speaking, consensual.  
  
"Lucius, somehow had gotten himself tangled up with a sixth year by the name of Evan Riechart, who was one of those Slytherins even most of us had the good sense to try to avoid. Not as powerful as he thought he was, but a talented wizard none the less. Aggressive, dangerous and intimidating.  
  
"While Lucius mocked my long limbs and breeding, Riechart would just watch me. I was eleven, and unlike Lucius, did not, in fact, understand the intent, until it was made perfectly clear to me after he shoved me into a wall in a stairwell one day. I presume, you don't need the details."  
  
"No, continue."  
  
"I had a few options. The first was just to deal with it. Make an alliance or spend the next two years trying to avoid him. The second, which wasn't satisfactory at all, was to report him – boys will be boys, especially Slytherin boys. Not the best idea. So I waited, until an answer presented itself, which, as he developed a penchant for hurting Lucius, it did."  
  
"You reported his abuse of Lucius," Allosia said, understanding.  
  
"Exactly. Second year. Lucius, for his part was furious, convinced I'd done it just to humiliate him, which I hadn't exactly, that was just a side benefit. The goal was to keep Reichart away from me, without making myself look weak or impolitic. And I, wanting to calm Lucius down somehow eventually managed to convince him I did it out of concern for him, which, I'll tell you right now, is one of the stupidest, least informed decisions of my life.  
  
"After Reichart graduated, Lucius began to pursue me, after all, I cared. It was ugly, and a bit public, and Lucius somehow managed to make me look weak and contemptible for my feigned concerned. For my part, I was cornered. If my concern was false, all my motives became exposed and I was in a mess with my peers; if it was sincere, I looked weak and Lucius was still after me.  
  
"Eventually, I rejected him, rather publicly, and he decided the whole thing had been one elaborate setup for me to humiliate him. Which, it was, I just wish I had thought of it at the time. From that point on our enmity was rather intense, and only continued to grow as alliance after alliance was forced on us by circumstance. He needed my skills, and I needed his rather accessible charisma. That I made the choices I later did in part for his approval only galls me more.  
  
"All of it remains an ever-present if irrelevant issue, and is no doubt the source of some of what discomforted you about this evenings events."  
  
More than anything, Allosia was struck by how still he had remained for the entire tale. She recognized this as concern for her reaction. She kissed the center of his back, curved more pronouncedly because of the angle at which they tended to rest.  
  
"Thank you for telling me," she said.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"You were quite young to be dealing with something so complex."  
  
Snape shrugged. "It's the nature of the beast."  
  
For a long time then, they lay quietly, until Allosia finally drifted to sleep. 


	27. the ninth letter

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.

Not making anything off this, no intent to, blah blah blah.

-----------

Snape slipped out from under Allosias arm and waited a moment until she settled back into sleep before climbing out of bed.

Shrugging into a robe and padding out to what had been her sitting room and had become their private study, he folded himself into his leather desk chair, and taking quill to parchment he began to write.

__

Sia —

Since it is my intent not to share these with you, I should, no doubt, be writing this somewhere other than our rooms. The knowledge of you and ours asleep though, within audible breath of me is a miracle and a safety I hesitate to disturb. Besides I know it irritates and frightens when I go missing in the small hours.

It worries me when you ask if I regret Gabriel, if I regret you, as if I did not have enough terrible things in my life to regret instead. I killed Riechart, which, I hope you realize as I do, is not, especially in the scheme of my life, so terrible a thing at all. I had the opportunity and I took it, entirely out of self-interest I might add. It was made to look like an accident, and whether Voldemort knew the truth of it or not I was punished for it anyway. I can't say I minded the Cruciatus that night. I can't, I suppose, say I mind it most nights. Even as my body recoils from it, my mind is often grateful for the clarification, like astringent, or I suppose more accurately, acid. I wonder, from time to time, if your experiences of it have been similar, but I also realize, I would prefer not to know. 

I will, eventually, kill Lucius. Perhaps, it will be in battle or on a mission and perhaps I should have done it long ago. It will however happen when it can as it has needed to for some time. I increasingly suspect, his son concurs with me.

There is darkness in me, Love. Not because of what I have seen or done and not because I once chose out of adolescent fear, greed and miscalculation to ally myself with the wrong side and to have it branded into my arm. There is darkness in me because I was born with it, as surely as I was with this hair, these features that I have warred with my entire life. When I see myself in my mind's eye, it is as a man other than the man I am, not in deed so much as in detail. That I always believed that I was someone capable of having what you provide me, was, I suspected for years when confronted with the truth of myself, my one intellectual failing.

Now, at your hands, I know I am two men, not the wicked and the spy, but the ugly and the true. 

I am sorry if I frighten you.

As ever,

Severus.

__


	28. presents

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.

I am so glad you all are enjoying Severus' letters — they are an immense pleasure to write and I'm gratified that they are as fun for you all as well. There should be another one soon — he's being a pest at me.

----------

__

Julia Petri resolved her pregnancy in time to make it to the Halloween Feast, much to Severus' relief although this didn't stop him from spending several hours a night in the Slytherin common room for the rest of the term. I imagine he merely sat there reading and occasionally glowering at the students, but the truth is I have no idea. Severus felt so strongly about the Lair being only for Slytherins that he wouldn't even carry a sleeping Gabriel in there with him. I wondered, but did not ask, if this indicated he thought his son might not be a Slytherin, or if it was merely a hope.

Minerva, of all people, actually volunteered to watch Gabriel on Halloween, as it was an anniversary for us and no secret to anyone else thanks to Severus' display that first October. For a woman who worked hard at not approving of anything he did, it was a rather generous way of encouraging us to get up to trouble, which we did in spades. Severus left the feast early to no one's surprise but my own when I returned to our rooms, to be grabbed by him in the dark. He was so proud of himself and we wound up going at it right there on his precious carpet. I still laugh to think about it.

Afterwards, I think we must have napped until his inevitable insomnia kicked in; we wound up throwing our robes back on and running outside to ride our brooms around the grounds, as we had both as children and when we met again. That he suggested it, for the first time in all the years we had known each other meant a great deal to me. It was perhaps the most tangible proof that I lightened his burdens instead of merely adding to them. If we disturbed anyone that night, it was never mentioned.

In November, Voldemort sent for Severus, yet again. I can't say it ever started to feel routine, but by then I had learned to at least try to rest during his absences. I certainly never expected to be woken by him shaking on the bed next to me. That was a bad night, frightening; for all his extremes of emotion, it was not familiar. We wound up sitting in the bath together for hours, my legs wrapped around him as he rested against me. He barely spoke until sometime close to morning, he told me about having to watch Avery kill a child about Gabriel's age. "It's always bad," he had said, "sometimes though, it's worse." He turned to me then, and whispered, "this is too much." I never figured out if he meant our family or what his work required of him. His fury at his students was worse than usual for the rest of that week, and he avoided Gabriel and I like the plague. I let it slide.

Being with him meant letting lots of things slide and that was unlike the woman I had once been. But I had married not just him, but his work on an epic scale, and if he could make the sacrifices he did for the war, then I could certainly stomach being a more acquiescing spouse than I had once intended. For the cause and all that. Our humour about it was at least always mutually black.

Gabriel turned two in December and Severus managed to stop making fun of the odd muggle clothes my mother sent for him after just a couple of days. Why it should surprise anyone, especially my husband, that my mother would be an eccentric woman, I'll never know.

The holidays that year were mostly quiet and kind to us and included the addition of a proud barn owl to our family. Severus felt that Gabriel needed exposure to magical household animals and while we had full use of the school's owls, they seemed to be what the boy had the most affinity for, and as such, seemed to be the best place to start. We named him Sendak, and spent many a wasted hour watching him and Gabriel try to stare each other down, the boy occasionally laughing or shouting only to get a disapproving narrowing of the eyes and turn of the head from the bird. I hesitated to ask where Severus had come upon a creature with the same odd sense of humour as himself.

Shortly after January's start of term, Severus received a late Christmas gift far better than any I could have procured for him — recognition of what anyone who paid the slightest attention to such things already knew, that he was, far and away, one of the best in his field, not of teaching, of course, but of potions research and development. 


	29. invitations

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
  
  
  
  
-----------  
  
"I wish," Snape said pausing for dramatic effect and leaning towards his wife, "they wouldn't do that."  
  
Allosia snorted, but she saw his point. The number of people who tried not to surreptitiously watch on those rare occasions when her husband got anything from owl post was absurd.  
  
Picking up the letter with something approaching nervousness, Snape excused himself from the head table, ruffled his boy's hair and made his way down towards his dungeon offices. There was, after all, no point in allowing what was probably going to be disappointment to be on display at breakfast.  
  
Perching on the edge of his desk, he opened the letter, taking in the gist of its contents before bringing himself to actually read it. He started. Good news, unexpectedly great news. He shook his head, as if to clear the fantasy from it and set out at trying to force himself to actually read the letter, slowly, word by word, as it was meant.  
  
And he found that his initial impression had in fact been true. He was being asked to give a major address at Wizarding International Scientific Programs' annual conference. Snape had been applying for speaker opportunities at their events for years, but had always struck out with them, he presumed, either because they were complete dunderheads, were more concerned about sucking up to their corporate clients or just didn't want to deal with the demands of his intellect and temperament. But, at long last, they had finally relented and he was going to Florence for a week to discuss his technique of layering effects that he had been quietly researching and occasionally publishing on for the last four years.  
  
He went around then to sit behind his desk as he hastily wrote a note of acceptance to the committee. They would then send him all the additional documents to arrange everything, from his presentation to his biography in the program book and publicity materials. He couldn't wait to tell Allosia, although, frowning, it occurred to him she might be less than amused by his going to Florence without her.  
  
He mused on this, chewing on the tip of his quill, a horrible habit he hadn't managed to break in over twenty-five years of trying. Snape sighed, and leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, forcing himself to just take a moment and enjoy this, because he knew, the second he told anyone, it was going to become all about them.  
  
As if in answer to that thought, he heard his office door creek open. Presuming it to be a student, he opened an eye, menacingly, but then sat up the second he realized it was Dumbledore.  
  
The headmaster chuckled. "It's alright, Severus, I suspected you would be down here taking a moment to enjoy the news."  
  
Snape looked at him curiously. "Headmaster?"  
  
Dumbeldore patted the man's hand and took a seat in one of the chairs that faced his desk. "As I will also be attending this year's WISP event, and as I have a friend or two on the committee, they took the liberty of informing me of this particular honor to both you and Hogwarts."  
  
"I see," he said tightly and suspiciously.  
  
"No Severus, I did nothing to influence the committee."  
  
Snape snorted then. Albus Dumbledore knew him far too well.  
  
"Have you told Allosia yet?"  
  
"No, I just opened the letter. I thought I'd take a moment before letting that particular brand of chaos break out."  
  
It was Dumbledore's turn to look inquisitive.  
  
"I can't imagine she's going to be overwhelmed with joy about my going to Italy without her."  
  
Dumbeldore chuckled. "You could always bring her with you."  
  
"It's risky."  
  
"Certainly no riskier, at least to you," he said with a wry grin, "than leaving her and Gabriel to themselves here for a week."  
  
Snape pondered this for a moment.  
  
"If anything happens, she will not be on her own," Dumbledore said then.  
  
"Thank you," Snape said tightly, embarrassed, but then warming and repeating the thanks.  
  
Dumbledore tapped his hand on the desktop as he rose. "These WISP things get rather chaotic, if you need any assistance navigating through the nonsense, don't hesitate to let me know."  
  
"I will, Albus, I will."  
  
As Dumbeldore exited his office, closing the door behind him, Snape reached for another piece of parchment. 


	30. the eleventh letter

Disclaimer:

All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.

-------------

Allosia – 

_Shortly, I shall be a dutiful spouse and inform you of this news both in person and actuality. First however, I need a moment to have this discussion with you now, such as it is.  Against all logic I remain fundamentally convinced that the information I put down in these missives finds its way to you somehow, which I suppose is only slightly less logical than all of our suppositions that Albus not only reads minds, but in fact reads all the minds in the school at any given and all times._

_Presuming you agree, we are going to Florence, as I have been invited to speak at this year's WISP conference.  I hope you'll be happy for me, beyond just being relieved that I will not be spending the rest of this month as I have past Januaries, complaining about not having been selected to present yet again.  Actually, I suppose this is unfair of me and to you, as you have never been anything but joyous at my successes and more tolerant than I deserve at the rest._

_I don't know if you have ever been to Florence, or even Italy.  You hadn't when we were children, and it's never come up these last years.  Florence is an odd city, dark and wet and humid, magical, even to muggles, and not just because of its abundance of cheap gold and romance.  It is one of those places where the borders between worlds become thin, and I speak not just of our world and that of lesser mortals, but also that of the fae and other ken the species of man is not so clever enough to interact with successfully at any frequency.  There is much there that I believe you could find joy in, and I hope you will well use the opportunity for more than mere mundane pursuits.  I hope also that you will choose come to my lecture as odd and dry as that may be for you.  I must confess a certain nervousness about the matter that I am choosing not to dwell on currently, and your gaze has always helped me hold this unruly skeleton at least slightly straighter._

_I am also nervous, of course, about the traveling.  My first impulse, it should be no surprise to you, was to go alone, and it may be that that impulse remains correct.  Thank our headmaster though, and certainly not my faith in the world or even my knowledge of you, that he seems to concur that your wrath towards me, should I have left you and Gabriel behind, was likely to be worse than any of the ill luck of the wizarding world that forever seems intent on finding me._

_Today I have a lack of discipline that has not visited me since before we first met, because I cannot keep my mind on the lessons I am about to endure, suffused as I am with the thought of you beside me, Gabriel in your arms, at the welcome party for the conference, quietly scolding me for frowning so vigorously at the peers I have so long wished to be a part of._

_Still mostly outcast,_

_Severus._


	31. rememberances

Disclaimer —

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR.

I'm writing this one drunk.. so make of it what you will.

To address some questions in recent reviews:

I'm a pagan, and I try not to bring that in to the HP universe, but these characters saying God to my ear sounds wrong, so I make it plural.

I'M NOT GOING TO KILL GABRIEL, but that's all the information you get.

Yes, Allosia will eventually get to read all the letters, so, the ones that are missing in the numbering will eventually be shared with you all (yes, I am writing them as I go along the time line — it's a very insistent voice).

------

__

Severus Severus Severus. I so love to say your name, and I suspect always will. I chant it, in lieu of actual content. I feel I know you through it, as much as I know you have often despised it. But I can mumble it to myself and summon you, feel your grip at my shoulders, an arm across my chest, you are my armour as I face the world, and my heart, as I face myself.

*

To say that the six months of preparations leading up to the WISP conference were trying would require my being very generous. It was, at times, absolutely painful. Besides submitting an advance copy of his presentation, a requirement my husband labeled absurd, there was also a ton of paperwork to be dealt with, travel arrangements to finalize and a number of publicity related requirements including the submission of his CV, biography and photograph.

As you might imagine, the CV was the only of those things that managed to be simple. The process of writing the biography was at least amusing, as we got more than a little drunk while fussing over it, and wound up writing at least half a dozen completely outrageous ones that Severus, of course, insisted I burn. While I thought he was being foolish at the time, I realized he was completely right by the time we had both sobered up. Had we accidentally given the wrong one to Sendak to deliver, we would have redefined "too much information" on a grand scale.

The photography issue was much less amusing, and to a certain extent I came to regret pushing it as much as I did, but at the time it seemed patently absurd for Severus to send in a ten year old photo of himself for the brochure. Dragging him into Hogsmeade to have him sit for a proper wizard's photograph wasn't the best idea I ever had though. He was in a foul mood that day, and considering it now, was probably telling the truth about having a migraine. The pictures were reasonably fine until they inevitably scowled and turned away from the viewer and that certainly wasn't going to make more people sign up for the conference. 

I tried to be gentle and I tried to cajole in part because I would have liked to have had a good photo of my husband for myself. In the end though I merely hurt his feelings, made both of us crazy and ignored Gabriel in the studio long enough that he started crying which then led one of his damn toy dinosaurs to freak out and bite his thumb. Severus started cursing in medieval Italian, I started pacing so I wouldn't lash out at anyone and it was, in almost every way the exact day my mother must have wished for every time she said, "just you wait until you have a family" to me as a child. 

Eventually, after far too much mucking around on my part with a camera, I got a few excellent pictures of Severus in his lab, working. It wasn't exactly what the WISP people wanted, but after getting a long tirade from myself posing as Mr. Snape's personal assistant, they eventually came to understand that this was as good as it gets, and surely, if they were familiar with him and his work, they already knew that. I still treasure those photos, because I so clearly remember that day, and his shy smile at me over the cauldrons, beakers and vials.

That entire episode, which managed to consume the entire second half of February, involved a great deal of sulking from Severus. In the end, I think, I hope I managed to make him see that I did in fact find him exquisite, not just because I loved him, but because I was the sort of woman whose tastes, admittedly, did not run so standard. It was never easy navigating the narrow spaces between his need to be ugly and his need to be beautiful, both of which had so little to do with who he really was.

That was a strange term, strange months, where we perhaps fought more than we ever had, but also became closer than we ever were. While sometimes, I am sure we both must have wondered if we would survive this sudden excitement in his career, it was what perhaps in the end what saved our marriage, because no one else understood. They did not choose to, and could not have if they tried. This was a man who could tremble before me, and bare his throat to me, and this was Severus. How could arguments matter?

We packed for Florence with both great care and excitement, as I prepared to show our son the world that had forgotten me.


	32. the seventeenth letter

Disclaimer: 

All things not Allosia or Gabriel belong to JKR. 

There was no intended hint in the tenses in Ch. 31 that hasn't been present in the whole construction of this tale, although I'm sorry if you've just caught on. On the plus side, we have a long way to go before we loose anyone, so worry not yet. 

Oh and since people have asked, it's "Aloe-see-ah", although the last two syllables tend to get slurred together. Sia is "See-ah". 

Word is not saving this right (oi), so please forgive if I can't get the letter into proper italics. 

----------- 

_Sia - _

Travel, even in times not such as these, has always unsettled me. I always feel out of place with the world, and just before become preoccupied with the inevitable things that will be left behind, forgotten and lost. There is also a feeling of uncleanness the chaos of travel seems to insist on leaving me with that reminds me too much of what I am, and what I am not. 

I am nervous and I wonder for how many weeks you've been waiting for me to admit that. It doesn't trouble me, that you should know it, although I hope we will not find need to speak of it. It is a trivial weakness in a life such as mine, and fundamentally detracts from the power of this particular honor, this particular escape. You do so well at not laughing at me. Would it bother you, I wonder, that I am always internally congratulating you for such forbearance? 

We are not so charming as we once were. Not so much in fact, and not even to each other in truth, but to the world, to Hogwarts, and to the friends and family they at least stand in for, we are no longer a story of great interest or hope and that saddens me, although, I do not know the reason why. I feel though, as if I do a poor job of celebrating you and your grace upon my world. I have not the courage to be a Romantic, in most circumstances, and in most cases those excepted circumstances are grim, and are of things you should be, but are too intelligent, to be spared. 

I would be a happier man if my flesh never had need to come into contact with any but yours and ours. Even shaking hands unsettles me, forces me into the world in ways I do not wish, reminds me that the man encased in all these layers of fabric as stiff and strange as water, cannot be, as he so wishes, only for you. 

Forever at your doorstep, 

S. 

  


Snape hummed to himself, as he folded the letter and placed it with the others. He wondered why no one had ever told him that actual requited love, was, in many ways, the greatest hardship anyone could face. It was a labour, as much as a joy, and he wondered absently how anyone managed to succeed at it, especially when the world was populated by those with less intelligence and focus than himself. Maybe the secret was that the world was filled with much less success than he had long imagined. 

He sighed then, and ran his eyes around the room, for anything else he might need. In the morning, they would leave for Italy. 


	33. Rome

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
I have not been to Italy in many many years and am writing this off of my own very visceral memories of the place. Hope it works.  
  
This chapter is just cute and funny, because I was feeling that way.  
  
------  
  
Allosia Hemrand stood with her husband in an alley in a city foreign to her. Shaking the disorientation of the trip off, and looking at monuments she recognized, but not from what she thought was their destination, she glanced at her husband with nervous confusion.  
  
Snape smiled then. "I thought it would be best if we arrived in Florence in style, and since you are well deserving of a vacation more relaxing than watching me rant about potions, I thought perhaps we'd spend a few days in Rome first, and then take the train up," he said. He hoped this would make his wife happy, but the look on her face made him nervous.  
  
She put Gabriel down slowly, still seeming uncertain. Snape set his jaw, preparing to defend his actions or sulk. Allosia however decided to save him the choice and flew into his arms then, knocking him off-balance and almost over. "It's wonderful," she exclaimed, "absolutely wonderful."  
  
He relaxed then and put his arms around her, resting his hands lightly on the small of her back, uncomfortable with the public display of affection. "I'm so glad," he murmured to her, before releasing her. "I thought," he continued, holding out his hand for Gabriel to take, "that we could, after checking in and recovering a bit, do some sightseeing, and perhaps, practice our Latin at the ruins?" With this, he swung Gabriel up into his arms, and groaned at the weight. "You're getting heavy little man," he said, with a weariness that surprised him.  
  
Gabriel laughed, and grabbed at his father's nose. Snape shook his head to free himself, and then fixed the boy with a bemused stare. "There will be none of that, Gabriel."  
  
"Why not?" the boy asked, doing it again.  
  
Snape seemed at a loss for a reply, as he removed his son's hand again.  
  
"Because your father is a very cranky man," Allosia interjected, as they began to walk towards the hotel, their shrunken luggage in hand.  
  
Gabriel was not deterred.  
  
  
  
Snape insisted Allosia return their luggage to its normal size before reaching the hotel. When she objected, he suggested a lightening charm, and explained that while in Rome they would be using muggle-style accommodations.  
  
"Why?" Allosia asked, incredulous. This was not even something her mother and her odd fixations had oft subjected her to.  
  
"Because, a muggle hotel with accommodations for hundreds of guests is less likely to be attacked, surprisingly enough, than a small wizarding inn. We will, oddly, be safer there."  
  
"Do you even know how to do this?" Allosia asked.  
  
"My survival has necessitated my ability to move in many worlds. So yes, well enough."  
  
"But –" Allosia gestured as much as she could to all of their attire.  
  
"We're merely eccentric foreigners. Artists if you will. Just don't wear that gods awful hat of yours," he said glaring at the box, "and no one will suspect a thing."  
  
Allosia gave an unconvinced and only slightly amused snort. "You do know I fully intend on wearing to the opening party."  
  
"Sia, dear," he said, making the words drip. "I believe you'd wear that hat to bed and its attendant activities if you thought I'd let you get away with it."  
  
"Don't tempt me," she said.  
  
"The bird hat?" Gabriel asked, from Snape's arms.  
  
"The ugly bird hat," Snape corrected.  
  
"Mommy?" Gabriel asked.  
  
"Yes?" she replied bracing herself for whatever evil her husband had managed to create here.  
  
"I like your ugly bird hat."  
  
Allosia gave her husband a feral smile. He just smirked in response. 


	34. sight seeing

Disclaimer:  
  
All things not Allosia and Gabriel belong to JKR.  
  
For those that have asked, this story will, in fact, go into Gabriel's time at Hogwarts. I'm already perfectly clear on where he's getting sorted into. Glad you all like him – his personality and presence in the story will be increasing from here on out.  
  
This is more Italy fluff – we get some plot action at the conference, this is just fun with my characters.  
  
Not sure if the street and neighborhood names of Rome are spelled right – it's been about 15 years for me.  
  
------  
  
Their days in Rome were pleasant, although Allosia suspected that to a certain degree this side trip was more for Gabriel's benefit than hers, something she whole-heartedly did not mind.  
  
As they visited the historic sites of the city, Snape kept up a constant patter, on both muggle and wizarding history as well as his own memories of the city from when he had visited it frequently in his teens and early twenties both with and without family.  
  
He read aloud to Gabriel the Latin on buildings and monuments, translating only sometimes, and quizzing the boy on the words that should have been familiar. Allosia did not know whether to beam or be appalled when Snape's response to an "I love you" from Gabriel was a return of the phrase with a request to conjugate. While the boy tripped slightly over the syllables of the plurals, it was clear and correct. She was glad her husband always made a point of giving the boy affection before quizzing him on things instead of waiting for the answers. Perhaps, their son would be less worried of his worth than each of his parents.  
  
They visited the catacombs, breaking off from the official tour to explore more private and ancient passages. Allosia hummed softly to herself, and when they came to a well vaulted chamber after many twists and turns, Snape paused, and taking Gabriel's hand from hers, and stepped back said ever so softly, "Sing."  
  
She started softly, aware instantly of the accoustics of the chamber, which not only amplified her voice, but echoed it back at her so closely that she felt its buzzing in her head as if she were in fact outside herself. Snape smiled, as she closed her eyes, and built a simple melody, getting progressively, but slowly louder, tentative, knowing this place belonged to none of them.  
  
When she finished, when she started to tell him she would like to never leave, he silenced her with a finger to her lips. "Not in a place of the dead," he said.  
  
"I did not know you were superstitious," she said quizzically.  
  
"A benefit of an old family," and he smiled at the oddity of it all.  
  
  
  
At the various ruins that dotted the city, Snape had to more than once stop his son from taking a piece of this old world with him. He found himself gesticulating wildly with his hands, trying to explain how these buildings had once looked and how they would look, if people kept taking stones. When Gabriel looked sad at the admonition, Snape leaned close to him and said, "Don't worry, I'd take them all if I could too," a confession the boy considered and which made Allosia smile.  
  
They ate out for every meal, which was not easy with a child Gabriel's age, being neither quite old enough or quite young enough to be dependent in predictable measure. Mornings found them getting pastries stuffed with almond paste on the Via Venneto, and evenings, their dinners were in Trastevere, which once it was explained to Allosia, surprised her.  
  
"It's quite trendy now, but it was all for scoundrels and starving students when I was first here," Snape said with a sigh.  
  
"It surprises me that either would interest you."  
  
"Slumming is the prerogative of the rich and the rude," he said, with a smirk.  
  
  
  
Every oddity he had ever discovered in his time in the city he endeavored to show them, including a monastery decorated with the bones of its deceased members. As Snape prattled about his fascination with the geometry of the human form, Allosia kept looking nervously at her son who seemed perfectly content and engrossed in the subject. Well there's a similarity that will at least keep the peace, Allosia thought to herself, even as she had to admit, this was interesting, in its peculiar way.  
  
  
  
Snape and Allosia spent each of their evenings were spent quietly leaning against each other and speaking in low voices as Gabriel slept in the small adjoining room of their suite. Snape worked his fingers idly through her short thick hair for hours on end as they talked about the ancient world, muggles, Hogwarts, the conference and anything else that came to mind. They would not sleep until utterly exhausted, in part because they wanted to take advantage of every moment of this time, and in part because they knew the later it got, once midnight passed, the less likely it was that Snape would be summoned to the Dark Lord's side.  
  
Allosia suspected it was worries about the conference that had dampened Snape's usual aggressiveness in bed. She didn't mind, the opportunities when he needed to be weak before her were rare enough that she was happy to take the chance to make him beg to touch her, to take pleasure from her, to know of anything but his need for her. Afterwards, shuddering against her as she so often did against him he would thank her for providing so dangerous a privilege and she would stroke the side of his face, until sleep or sarcasm came. While they had always joked about their various power games, these moments were something they never ever spoke of, as if they existed outside of their lives and marriage and were merely the unlikely results of equations built by two people who had known each other in what most would consider too many different ways.  
  
  
  
After their third night in Rome and buying their final pastries from the bakery across the street from their hotel, the three braved a muggle taxicab and boarded the train to Florence, happy to have a compartment to themselves. 


	35. German problems

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Sorry I've been moving slowly folks, I've had a whole lot of drama with incompetants this week, but I'm getting back on track.  
  
The conference, in which we meet all sorts of weird people from Snape's past….. Why? Because I'm cruel and I think it's funny. And I have to go to a far less intriguing trade show next week.  
  
------  
  
Allosia smiled and pawed through one of her bags for a book, as Snape took Gabriel on his lap and started pointing to various things out the window and naming them in German. He gave her a disapproving look as she put her legs up on the seat.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"You'd do well to listen to this too," he said.  
  
"My German is not that bad," she said, bending her head to the pages before her again.  
  
"Actually, it is, and we both know it."  
  
"There's nothing that isn't translated into something I can read, we both know that as well."  
  
"Translations are imprecise."  
  
She closed the book then and looked at him. "Why, exactly, have my German skills always obsessed you so?"  
  
"Lack of German skills," he corrected with a slight smile.  
  
She rolled her eyes.  
  
"If you fancy yourself a scholar, you should be better at it."  
  
"We both know I don't fancy myself a scholar nearly as much as you do."  
  
"Alright, a woman who takes the pleasures you do in interrogating people should be able to speak German," he said with a snort at his own joke.  
  
Allosia gave an exaggerated sigh and went back to her book, only to doze off a short time later. Snape draped his cloak over her and smiled as she burrowed into it. As she slept, he continued to try to teach his son the music in the meanings of words, just as his wife would not doubt teach him the music in the sounds of them.  
  
  
  
If Snape had thought the chaos of getting from the mostly muggle train station to the conference castle was trying, he was completely unprepared for what greeted him upon arrival at the conference castle.  
  
Witches and wizards of every nationality graced its steps, talking in excited clumps. WISP staff members hurried to and from shouting not just at each other over the din, but at those in their way. Meanwhile various magical signs hovered, flickered and flashed in the air above them, announcing sponsors and advertising products and publishers.  
  
Snape muttered under his breath.  
  
"Um, where do we go?" Allosia asked.  
  
"Away from all these people, hopefully."  
  
As if Merlin had heard, and rather resounding disapproved of his wish, Severus heard his name shrieked by a wizard he would have been glad to see, had the fellow been a little calmer.  
  
"Durefhan," he said with a small bow and a step back in hopes that he would not be forced into physical contact.  
  
"You haven't changed Severus," the man said with a grin.  
  
Snape smiled tightly and gestured to Allosia who had Gabriel clutched in her arms. "May I present my wife, Allosia Hemrand, and our son, Gabriel."  
  
"My god, man! Congratulations." The surprise in the wizard's voice was a bit too evident for Snape's taste.  
  
"Thank you," he said dryly, turning to Allosia. "Durefhan and I shared some post-graduate study in Berlin at one time. He's always been overly enthusiastic, and luckily, has an intelligence to compensate for it."  
  
"Your husband, in case you were curious, has always been exactly this charming," he said by reply.  
  
"I know, he was my potions tutor as a child."  
  
Durefhan raised his eyebrows at this. "My, you are as wicked as play, Severus."  
  
"Let me assure you, you do not know the half of it. Any chance you can tell me who we need to talk to, to find our rooms and get away from, from, this," he asked, gesturing with disgust at the magical marketing frenzy.  
  
"Ah, such an honor to be your tour guide, Professor," he said with a theatrical sigh. "but, follow me," he said, and began to push through the crowd. 


	36. accounts

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
More fluff and setting up the scene…..  
  
----------  
  
"I need a nap," Snape declared acidly, flinging himself on the bed.  
  
"Me too!" Gabriel said, trying to find his way out of Allosia's arms.  
  
Snape gave her a pleading look.  
  
"Why don't we go see what your room looks like?" she said to Gabriel, leading him out of the main room. Behind her she heard Snape give a sigh of relief.  
  
  
  
"Now," she said, sitting beside him on the bed, "what's bothering you?"  
  
"What's Gabriel doing?"  
  
"I put a sleeping charm on him."  
  
"You never do that."  
  
Allosia shrugged and started rubbing her hand absently on his back in circles. "So what's the big issue?"  
  
He muttered and buried his face in a pillow.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
"It seems," he grated out slowly, not turning to look at her, "that I was absent minded enough to forget that everyone either of us has ever known will be at this thing."  
  
"Well, I don't think that's entirely true, but why is that so bad?"  
  
"Right, I forgot, everyone except for the dead people."  
  
Allosia sighed, starting to see the direction this was going to take.  
  
He rolled onto his back then and looked up at her. "I don't like being reminded of the man I was. I like less your being reminded of it. Durefhan," he sighed, beginning again "Durefhan put up with sharing a student flat with me in the middle of the bad old days. I'm sure he suspected, my allegiances, and was as much of a friend as I'd let him be anyway. That is a debt, one I am discomforted by and hardly the only one I am likely to be reminded of while we are here."  
  
"He seems sweet," Allosia said, deflecting Snape's typical Slytherin rendering of accounts.  
  
Her husband snorted. "I assure you, he's perfectly insane."  
  
"So who else from your past is going to be here?"  
  
"Koureha," he said with a groan, passing a hand over his face.  
  
"Who's he?"  
  
"She," he said looking at her pointedly, "is a very, hrmmm," he drummed his fingers on his lips searching for the right word, "willful witch I met in Japan some summers ago. I apologize in advance for everything she says to either of us."  
  
Allosia arched an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Whatever you're thinking is probably correct."  
  
Allosia pursed her lips and then smiled.  
  
"Please have the decency to enjoy my discomfort a little less?"  
  
"Why?" she asked, voice taking on a predatory tone.  
  
"Because I do, actually, really, need a nap?"  
  
"Do you?" she asked, climbing on top of him and folding her arms across his chest.  
  
"Yes," he said, raising his head to kiss her.  
  
She pulled her head out of the way and chuckled.  
  
"There'll be none of that, Miss Hemrand," he said and growled, wrapping his arms around her and rolling them onto their sides.  
  
"No?" she asked, coyly.  
  
"No," he said, and began to kiss her. 


	37. past and present

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
The "Cobera" thing in this is me trying to type what would be a Japanese mispronunciation of the word "cobra."  
  
I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get done – this many weird and exhausting interactions were quite a struggle for me. I hope it works for you all and entertains suitably.  
  
None of the new OC's herein are dead issues, although I'm not sure how large a part all of them will play yet.  
  
--------  
  
After a not insignificant battle followed by much cooing and soothing of nerves, Snape acquiesced to letting Allosia not just remove the tangles from his hair, but also to letting her tie it back in a simple black ribbon.  
  
"I am not comfortable like this," he stated, willing himself not to smile, even as she ran her fingers over his face.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I haven't worn my hair like this since I was twenty; it seems absurd."  
  
"I assure you, it is not. You can go back to the mad scientist look for the actual speech."  
  
Snape shot her an acid look as she adjusted her hat. "Just think of me running my hands through your hair to free you later, alright?"  
  
"Assuming I let you," he said, striding out the door with some vague amusement.  
  
Allosia held a hand out to Gabriel who ran to grab it, before heading out the door herself.  
  
  
  
Snape pursed his lips and surveyed the room, as Allosia grabbed them each a glass of pumpkin wine from a passing tray.  
  
"See anyone you know?" she asked, passing him the beverage.  
  
He nodded his thanks and took a sip. "No," he said, restraining himself from adding his thanks.  
  
Allosia joined him in scanning the room and let out a short burst of laughter. "You will never guess who's here."  
  
"Who?" Snape asked with a groan, trying to follow Allosia's line of site.  
  
"Hermione Granger."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Right there," Allosia said forcefully, jerking her head and trying not to point.  
  
Sure enough, there she was. She didn't even look all that different, but with her hair cut to a respectable shoulder length, she seemed older and more corporate a witch than either would have expected.  
  
"Well, come on then," Allosia said, eyeing Snape as she scooped up Gabriel.  
  
The second she saw them, she let out a squeal of "Professors!" at which Allosia and Snape exchanged a quick glance. Clearly, she hadn't changed very much at all. She seemed to pause then, take a half a step back and take in the picture of the three of them.  
  
"Gabriel's gotten so big," she said with a smile.  
  
"And quite feisty too," Allosia added as the boy fussed in Hermione's general direction.  
  
"You wouldn't remember me, would you?" she said, leaning over to look him in the eyes.  
  
"Should I?" the boy replied, and Snape snorted.  
  
Hermione stood up then and with barely suppressed mirth addressed her former professor. "Clearly, you've not been neglecting your parental duties."  
  
"I see your Gryffindor bravery continues to serve you well, Miss Granger," he said with a slight chuckle.  
  
"Severus," Allosia chided, "she's no longer our student, and I suspect, since she's here, something of a colleague. At any rate," she said, turning to the young witch, "you may certainly call me by my given name if you so wish, and presuming of course you find no harm in my using yours?"  
  
"Oh, no, ma'am," she said nervously.  
  
Snape flashed Allosia a glance then. Right in one, she knew that would make the girl nervous.  
  
"So what are you doing here, Hermione?" Snape said, making it clear how odd he found it using her given name.  
  
"I'm studying arithmancy under Stahl Durefhan. The conference is one of the perks of my life as an assistant."  
  
Allosia just stared at her.  
  
Snape, for his part, recovered quickly. "Repeat that, if you would, Miss Granger, very slowly?"  
  
"Stahl Durefhan, surely you've read his work?"  
  
"Yes, of course," Snape said sounding impatient, and then laughed. "I should tell you now, Durefhan is insane."  
  
"Genius does that," Hermione said dryly and with a slight smirk.  
  
"I suppose, I should take that as a compliment," Snape muttered.  
  
"Ah! I see you've all found each other," Durefhan said, clapping Snape and Hermione on the back and laughing.  
  
Snape glared at Durefhan, and Hermione just looked confused.  
  
"He hasn't told you then?" Durefhan asked, laughing at his own joke.  
  
"Told me what?" Hermione asked.  
  
"They shared a flat as students," Allosia said dryly, clueing her in.  
  
"Ohhhhh," Hermione said, and took a sip of her wine. "Well," she said, trying to recover herself, "we'll all have to do this again some time."  
  
Allosia shot Snape a glance, but he couldn't read it.  
  
"Indeed. We should make our rounds before either I or the child get fed up, but I'm sure we'll speaker further. I hope your intelligence is being put to good use," Snape said, with a slight nod as he and Allosia turned away to mingle further.  
  
"I think they're involved," Allosia leaned over and whispered to Snape.  
  
"What on earth makes you say that?"  
  
"The secret language women have on the subject of being personal assistants."  
  
Snape made a face. "Perhaps I'll find this topic less horrifying after another half dozen glasses of wine."  
  
  
  
"Cobera!"  
  
Snape froze. He'd know that voice, and that dreaded and mispronounced nickname, anywhere. He looked to his wife, and mouthed "Koureha," and suspected she caught his meaning, even if she didn't catch the name. He turned slowly then to face her.  
  
She was a small woman, with black hair well past her waist dressed in a very formal and very red kimono.  
  
"Koureha," he said stiffly, bowing to her only slightly, but smiling.  
  
"Cobera, I would have expected more respect from you," she said, smiling at the rhythm of her words.  
  
"Koureha," he repeated more affectionately this time, shaking his head slightly. "This is my wife, this is my son."  
  
The woman widened her eyes then and pressed a hand to her mouth. "Congratulations then," she said, bowing deeply.  
  
"I'm Allosia, this is Gabriel," she said with a touch of hesitancy, still feeling as if she was missing a lot of the data in this interaction.  
  
"You should make him carry the child," she said, reaching out to touch Gabriel's face.  
  
"They're both generally too fussy for that to work well."  
  
At that, Snape shot her a look, but she was glad to earn a sharp laugh from the witch.  
  
"So, you keep him in line then?" she asked, smiling.  
  
"I do my best, he is a force unto himself, as you surely must know."  
  
"Oh, I know, but I also know how eager he is to please," she said, turning her attention to Snape again.  
  
It took all his energy to force himself not to back away from her. Allosia looked from him to Koureha and back again, and had to force herself to keep her features steady as she did the math.  
  
Allosia leaned in to Koureha then, and whispered to her, still loud enough for a grimacing Snape to hear, "You trained him well."  
  
Koureha literally gave a little jump of pleasure. "You understand!"  
  
Allosia smiled then. "Of course," she said, smiling at her husband, and taking a step towards him, hoping he would see what she was up to. "He learned many things from you." And then she twisted her head and smiled up at him, and Snape, suddenly understanding, placed his hand on the back of her neck.  
  
Koureha's facial expression changed then. "Cobera, you have found yourself, then."  
  
"No," he said simply, "I remain elusive. Just not from them," he said, looking at his family.  
  
Koureha bowed again. "I shall look forward to your speech," she said, touched Snape's face and fled.  
  
Snape and Allosia each let out a shuddering sigh, as Gabriel declared, "she has pretty hair."  
  
"Very," his parents said in unison.  
  
"I take it one day you'll tell me that clearly sordid tale?" Allosia asked.  
  
"One day," he said, dryly. "Thank you, by the way."  
  
She nodded and gazed at him. There was not a whole hell of a lot to say after that.  
  
  
  
"Severus! Allosia!"  
  
They turned in unison to see Dumbledore striding towards them.  
  
"Albus," Snape said warmly.  
  
"How are you holding up?"  
  
"This is exhausting," Snape said.  
  
"And you, what do you think?"  
  
"Well, I no longer feel bad about all the junkets I missed out on when I was at the Ministry."  
  
Albus chuckled at this.  
  
"Did you see Hermione?" Allosia asked.  
  
"Yes, yes, she and I correspond regularly. I think the work with Durefhan is good for her," he said with a twinkle in his eye, confirming the suspicions Allosia had voiced earlier.  
  
"So it seems," Snape remarked.  
  
"And what do you think of all of this?" Dumbledore asked Gabriel.  
  
"Noisy!"  
  
Dumbledore laughed. Children always got things right.  
  
"I must mingle," he said then, "more than any of us would prefer, I might add, but if either of you need anything, including babysitting, let me know."  
  
"Yes, Albus, thank you," Allosia said as Snape smiled warmly.  
  
  
  
As they stood chatting about how to avoid Gilderoy Lockhart whose progress through the room Snape was watching closely, Snape startled at a light touch to his back. When he turned, his voice was a whisper, "Adrimori."  
  
"Brother," the man stated calmly.  
  
"I prefer cousin, if you must," Snape said.  
  
"As you wish," Adrimori said, with a slight bow.  
  
Allosia cleared her throat.  
  
Snape looked around the room as if searching for help. "This is Adrimori, Allosia. He is, after a fact or three, my cousin."  
  
"Ah," she said, staring at the strangely delicate man who shared a certain vague resemblance to her husband. "Which side of the family?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, both," he said in an offhand way.  
  
Allosia squinted at him.  
  
"Surely, he's warned you about the tangled web that is the Snape family tree."  
  
"Among other things."  
  
"My blood is closer to his mother's."  
  
Allosia nodded  
  
"Is this the boy," he said, taking Gabriel's face in his hands.  
  
"Yes. Gabriel," Snape said.  
  
"The resemblance is great."  
  
"I know," Snape said, with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.  
  
"He will do well. You have not done badly yourself."  
  
Snape snorted.  
  
"Perhaps we will save that debate for another time, then," Adrimori said, as if it were a debate he was both weary of and obligated to.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Snape asked, incredulously.  
  
"I heard you were speaking. I presumed it would be important to you. I had not yet met your family, I thought I would come."  
  
"That was kind of you."  
  
"And selfish," he said, lightly.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I'd like to see more of all of you. You know how to contact me, please, see that you do, Severus. I'd be happy to play tour guide as well."  
  
"Thank you," Allosia said.  
  
Snape just nodded and chewed on his lip, as the lithe man faded back into the crowd. "That's the first time I've seen him in twenty years."  
  
"I hope you don't find this rude, but, what is he?"  
  
Snape chuckled. "Human, mostly. I'd actually have to sit down with a family tree to work it out, but if I'm not mistaken he's an eighth Veela, and that comes to him through two different lines and has some Elvish blood as well."  
  
Allosia goggled at her husband.  
  
"Close your mouth, dear," he said with some slight humour.  
  
"He called you brother."  
  
"A reference to the tangled blood. His idea of humour."  
  
"Ah. How closely are you related?"  
  
"Often, but far back on the tree, so not very. My mother was very friendly with his older relatives."  
  
Allosia continued to stare.  
  
"You have another question," Snape stated.  
  
"I don't know how to ask you this, love."  
  
"I don't talk about my heritage, Allosia, because while I am far far more human than dear Adrimori my blood is also a slight bit of abomination. I acquired curiosity and cunning and intellect and none of that fine beauty to make it palatable."  
  
Allosia set Gabriel down at her feet for a moment, and then reached out to pull the ribbon from her husband's hair. "I think you are delicious," she whispered, not seductively, but pointedly, as if hoping she could beat her affection for him into his stubborn and strange head. 


	38. the twenty-third letter

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

I'm having problems again with the italics on the letter, but you get the idea.

-----------

Snape looked from his place at the small desk to the bed where Allosia dozed, still in her robes from the evening, with Gabriel next to her. Too much wine and sociability had taken its toll on them all.

He fidgeted absently with the ribbon she had used to bind his hair back, before running his hand through it and wincing at its texture. For it to be anything but a frizzy monstrosity to rival Granger's, it had to feel like this. It was a stupid misery, but a perpetual one.

He cast his eyes over the conference schedule yet again, making notations next to sessions he wanted to attend as well as lectures he thought might interest his wife. All in all, it still left plenty of time for sight seeing. He figured he could send her off with Adrimori or Durefhan while he paced and practiced his own presentation in their rooms. They were both safe enough, and would both understand the need to guard her without asking too many questions. Snape's own habits prevented him from knowing if those were political decisions or merely kindnesses.

He sighed then, twirled his quill in his hands and began to write:

__

Sia —

In case this fact was not already abundantly clear, I detest when you ask to fix my hair. It is too much, makes me too vulnerable, forces me to remember that it is not that you overlook or do not notice my genetic predisposition towards filth, but that you choose to tolerate it. I would be different if I could.

I sit here now and stare, I can feel the anger you would have towards me at those words — "That is not true, Severus." To believe you is frightening, too close to ceasing to question everything, too close to death.

Every time you touch my hair or my face, run the pads of your fingers across my eyebrows, or down the bridge of my nose, or perhaps across my lips, I am redeemed. And every time you ask, every time you offer to help me enhance what I am, I react with irrational panic, at the possibility that this redemption could end.

An unwilling sinner,

S.

Allosia stirred in her sleep, and made a small noise. Snape smiled sadly and for a moment considered going into the spare room to sleep on Gabriel's narrow bed. He suspected that that would only cause his perpetual sadness to infect them all however, and so stood to quietly take Gabriel to his room, and then rouse his wife just enough to get her undressed and under the covers.

She muttered further in her sleep, and he smiled as she pressed against him, the humidity of her breath reminding him that fundamentally they really were different species. He smiled then and wrapped his arms around her; he found it hard to mind.


	39. walking tours

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

---------

__

Florence was a blessing, even with all it precipitated. I spent mornings attending sessions and afternoons wandering the streets of both the muggle and wizarding parts of the city with Adrimori or Stahl, both of whom proved to be not just interesting characters but ellusive keys to my husband's past.

While Gabriel came with me once or twice for the museum trips, he spent most of his time with Severus, I suspect mainly to be used as a shield against Koureha and in the somewhat absurd hopes that the boy would absorb something of the programs. I wanted our son to be bright, but I was wary of his intelligence equaling Severus' and warier still of accelerating his education just because he had a head start on life at Hogwarts.

Stahl was, true to my husband's warnings, insane, but not in the way I would have expected. He was merely too bright and too aware of it and the limitations that it would always place on his life. As we walked he often muttered numbers and equations to himself, calculating everything as he was trapped by an inability to avoid his arithmancy observations. In retrospect, I suspect he tried not to tell me things and I certainly remember trying not to ask.

Mostly, we talked about Hermione, about how he was clear on the outcome of his relationship with her, which he readily admitted to me, but begged me not to tell Severus about. 

"The work is the most important thing to me," he had said, "I wish it were not so, but it is what I am, and eventually, she will realize she is young, and blame me for being both old and obsessed with more than her, and will move on. In time, we will be great friends. Hopefully, she will have learned much, or at least enough, to continue the work." He shrugged then and smiled at me. "Even friendly men can be difficult," he said, and it was a valuable reminder.

Adrimori was, in most ways, the greater puzzle. That anyone could be more formal than my husband was then and remains now an almost staggering thought, but such was the case of this delicate and circumspect wizard who deflected more than one of my questions by saying he would not answer without Severus' leave to do so. I was at least able to learn why though. 

Adrimori was twenty years Severus' senior, not that it was easy to tell considering the way my husband wore his life and Adrimori seemed near naked of his. While their relation was distant, Adrimori had been pushed into a certain responsibility for Severus as a child, as a way of perhaps getting him to focus his own life more. He became, through words over great distance, something of a protector and advisor to a man most would have believed to have never needed one. 

"You did not know him when he was eleven, Allosia," I was reminded. "So fine boned and strange, he did not know enough to pretend he knew less. Do not ever tell him I told you this, but he spent his first year Hogwarts with the nickname HouseElf, because he had been so foolish as to mention the peoples he would have then wished to be far more closely related to than he is. That is the only confidence of his I will betray. Needless to say, he quickly demonstrated he was no trifle"

I found it hard to imagine, but not implausible, Severus as a child, having heard rumours of his own family and hoping they would give him a most spectacular way out of his most awkward years. That was not to be of course, and I'm not sure if he ever learned to love, without doubt, his face made to cut glass, that was at least to me, as a beautiful as a diamond.

I was always somber by the time we would return to the castle at dusk in time for the formal dinners, full of secrets that were unimportant to anyone but me, and awed by a city so suffuse with such poorly contained magic. It was a place to grow up, to discover yourself and make mistakes in, and Severus and I were both too old for that. What a gift it must have been to him when he was younger.

We were happy in Florence, as much as so many aspects of the event were absurd, and vowed to return yearly, either to a WISP event or to the city itself. As I watched Severus actually smile as he practiced his presentation, voice full of frenetic sternness it was hard for me to believe we couldn't find a way through anything.


	40. the summons

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

Snape torture — you knew I could only stop myself for so long.

---------

The morning of the speech was almost preternaturally calm. They got up early, ate the sumptuous and butter-laden breakfast the house elves had sent up and quietly went about their preparations. About an hour before Snape's presentation, Adrimori showed up, offering to escort Allosia to the hall.

"Have my habits changed so little?" Snape asked.

"I wouldn't presume to test them right now," Adrimori said with a sharp laugh, before holding his hand out to Gabriel who ran to him. "We'll be outside, Sia."

Allosia smiled and nodded. So few people presumed to call her Sia, but it did not feel wrong coming from this man.

Taking both of Snape's hands in hers, she looked up into his face for a long moment. "You're going to be wonderful," she said.

A smile played at his lips for a long moment, before he whispered smugly, "I know."

Allosia raised and eyebrow but decided against teasing or arguing. She stretched up to kiss him chastely and whispered "I love you."

He kissed her forehead then and squeezed her hands. "And I you, now go on," he said, tilting his head towards the door.

"I'll see you after," Allosia said over her shoulder as she left.

Snape nodded and returned to running through his performance in his mind. After all, that's what this was. That's what almost any interaction was. The words he knew, the material he knew, it was his physical bearing he had to focus on as it would be far too easy for him to take the tone he used with his students or perhaps worth, with the Death Eaters, with an audience that deserved neither. It was at times like these he was grateful for his reputation. He grimaced as he noted it was unlikely he could do anything but be less distressing than most of the audience expected.

Allosia smiled when she realized most everyone who knew Snape personally had arrived at the hall early. She, Gabriel and Adrimori quickly fell into a small chattering klatch of people that also included Hermione, Durefhan, Dumbledore, Koureha and, oddly enough, Gilderoy Lockhart whom Koureha was busily putting in his place. Across the room, she noticed Draco Malfoy take an aisle seat and quickly turned her head away. If she didn't meet his gaze, she wouldn't have to talk to him.

Eventually, it was Durefhan's fussing that got everyone to sit down, with Lockhart going in first as no one but Koureha wanted to sit next to him. She was followed by Durefhan, then Hermione, Adrimori, Allosia with Gabriel and Dumbledore.

When Snape finally took to the stage, Allosia was pleased that he didn't even spend a moment looking for her. He surveyed the room, took a deep breath, and began his lecture, making eye contact with different sections of the audience and pacing in a rhythm that worked with his words. He seemed confident and as if he were enjoying himself. It was all she could ask.

Until, of course, she saw his jaw set with the familiar pain of the Dark Mark. He covered well, and for a moment, she was the only one who noticed, as he paused briefly, gripped the lectern and continued speaking. Her mind froze for a second, unsure of whether she should will him to flee the stage, with a good hour left in his presentation, or hope he could somehow continue on with what had been so important an engagement for him.

She saw Draco stand, smooth a hand over the front of his robes, and leave, casting a pointed glance at Snape as he did so. 

"Shit," Allosia muttered under her breath.

Adrimori looked at her then and grabbed her hand and squeezed it. He knew, and Allosia breathed a slight sigh of relief. It was like a ripple then, with Hermione craning her neck to catch Allosia's eye, Durefhan's shoulders tensing as he did his own imperfect calculations, and Dumbledore unable or unwilling to take his eyes off Snape as he very quietly whispered spells to ease the man's pain.

So he would finish his speech. It was dangerous, and foolhardy, but it was what all of them seemed to want. Gabriel fussed then, and Allosia hugged him to her, probably too tightly.

The second Snape left the stage, Allosia was on her feet, trying to press past Dumbledore, but he stood and stopped her.

"Child, come upstairs, we will worry there.," he said and caught Adrimori's, Durefhan's and Hermione's eyes as well. Considering how tightly Koureha had wound her fingers into Lockhart's hair he doubted they would even notice being left behind.

Snape did everything in his power not to storm off the stage. Aside from being in agony, as the pain had worsened over the hour, he was absolutely furious. How dare Voldemort constantly ask his followers to make impossible decisions? It was a habit that revealed a weakness and for that Snape was glad, but it was still unfair, and absurd. He despised anything intentionally designed to have no correct answer.

Backstage he navigated quickly past well wishers, hoping somehow, but realizing it was impossible, that Allosia would have found her way back there. Well, after was after, and he would see her, he just had to attend to this first. He ducked behind some curtains and touched the mark. As he apparated into the Dark Lord's presence he found he was already screaming with fury.

"How dare you?" He said, pacing back and forth. "How could I have left the stage and no created a huge scene, not alerted the audience to something being wrong, to my being anything other than what I seem? It was bad enough one of my former students getting up and pointedly excusing himself. What logic is this?!"

As Snape silenced himself, he felt all his momentum ebb. He looked around at the circle of Death Eaters, all of them staring at him, most feigning a lack of emotion, but their shock was evident. While Severus Snape was known for his temper, he was not known for his foolishness or such a lack of self-control.

"Severus," Voldemort said affectionately.

Snape sighed, raised his eyes to the ceiling briefly and sank to his knees, defeated. He was a fool and with a shuddering sigh, bent over to place his forehead against the cool marble floor. The coldness of tiles had always helped him find his way through pain and fear. It was the best thing to focus on, when you were down.

Voldemort walked to him and crouched beside him, running a hand gently through Snape's hair. The potions master gave an involuntary shudder as Voldemort caressed him, and whispered his name in a way that was too kind, too loving, too dangerous.

"I am sorry My Lord," Snape said. "I forget myself."

"You do, boy," Voldemort replied, his voice becoming sterner, the grip on Snape's hair tightening. "I find it a relief though," he said, the voice becoming pleased, clever. "Your control makes me suspicious, but to see this, such naked need, and desire and ego, it reminds us both why you joined me, doesn't it?"

"Oh yes, my Lord." _Fear. Kill the fear. You've given this creature enough sincerity. More than he deserves, perhaps, enough to save yourself. _Snape let out another sigh, letting the tension go from his shoulders. The more relaxed he was, the less damage could be done to him.

"Ah, better," Voldemort said with an obvious smile and stood. "I should give the honors to Lucius. You two do so love humiliating each other. But I think you need to learn from my hand today, don't you agree, Severus?"

"Of course, Master." Even as a calculated choice, Snape wanted to retch at the word, at the truth of it, even in the face of all his bargains and promises.

The torture began, not with the Cruciatus, but with very directed attacks on specific nerves, preventing Snape from escaping into the pain. This would not be good, or easy. He willed himself then to forget there was such a thing as time.


	41. pain and consequences

Disclaimer —

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

Calm down folks, there's still a lot of life in this tale — no deaths yet.

-------

As they hurried upstairs to the couple's rooms, Gabriel kept asking what was wrong, and touching at his mother's face. Allosia kept telling her son it would be alright, but she knew it was not enough as questions about his father and what he did burbled out of his mouth. _Not now. Not without Severus. I don't know where to begin, _was all she could think.

It was, much to Allosia's surprise, Durefhan that came to her rescue, by asking Gabriel if he liked puzzles. _How did he know?_ The boy had nodded, looking both scared and skeptical. "So does your father," he said then. "He solves very important puzzles. That's why he has to go so suddenly sometimes. Your mother worries about him, just like she does you. That it all. Do you understand?"

Gabriel nodded then, and while it was clear he knew the story was larger still, it gave him enough of a sense of things to silence him.  


"Thank you," Allosia said to Durefhan over the boy's shoulder.

"My pleasure."

There were two ways to deal with pain. Snape had known this much for a long time. One could either run into it, or retreat from it. It didn't really matter which, as long as you didn't actually try to fight it. It was in the fight it became unbearable; it was in the fight that everyone always lost.

It was Koureha who had given him the words for it, helped him learn to talk about it, and had ordered many a private and painful confession on the subject. It was not the cause or purpose of their affair. It had, in fact, been incidental. He was in Japan studying for a summer, he had seen her and wanted her, she had informed him of the price. It was, in its extreme, at any rate, something new, and he gave himself to it as much as he gave himself to anything.

She was the type of woman easily mistaken for indiscreet, but, as the game and its reality deepened he realized that was far from the case. She had done things to him that he still could only allude to with Allosia, although, he knew, he would eventually tell. Koureha had played with many a pain curse on him, the Cruciatus included. Eventually and unavoidably he had confessed some of the usefulness of their affair and when it had come time for him to return to England she released him without shame. And while she remained a predatory beast that Snape would never entirely lose his fear of, he held an affection for her, if only because her lessons helped him through this, helped him find the way home. 

Thinking of her now, as a pain that stole his voice and very nearly his rationality, snaked through his veins, he felt a twinge of fear and arousal. It was not uncommon for a Death Eater or for a creature like himself, but that didn't mean he didn't find it shameful, that he didn't long to loose consciousness as he tried to block his horror at his twitching and uncontrollable limbs from showing on his face.

"Shit shit shit," Allosia continued to mutter as she paced back and forth across their rooms. Adrimori sat on the bed with Gabriel in his arms, while Durefhan had taken a seat in an armchair, which Hermione perched on the arm of. Dumbledore stood and gazed out of the window. "What should we do?" she finally stopped and asked.

"When were you scheduled to go back to Hogwarts?" Durefhan asked.

"In the morning."

"Then wait until morning."

Dumbledore nodded and turned. "He is right, Allosia. Your husband will find you. Even if he were not the type of make sure of that, his, associates are."

Allosia put her hands over her face and sighed, before looking around the room questioningly. "Why am I so scared?"

"Because you know Severus," Durefhan said, and Hermione gave him a sharp look. "He has lost his temper at the summons, yes?"

"Probably," she said tightly.

"He will be alright, if only because he is entertaining."

Hermione hissed a warning at Durefhan then, but Allosia held up her hand.

"It's fine; he tells me nothing I don't know." She sighed then. "You don't all have to wait with me."

"We will wait," Adrimori said, his quiet authority answering for them all.

Dumbledore walked across the room then and put a hand on Allosia's shoulder. He didn't have to speak. None of them did.

Snape knew he was going in and out of consciousness, with the intervals of blackness increasing with each onset. He also knew this was not good. Pain rarely drove him this far, and if it did it meant that real damage was being done. Koureha had taught him that too, that pain was an illusion, that the lessons we learn young, that pain means something is wrong, are not necessarily true. But pain can push you, push you until something has to go wrong, until your body forces danger upon itself, merely as a means of escape. Blacking out, and at Voldemort's hands, that was certainly danger.

Absently, Snape wondered when his legs would stop trembling and then, if all this blood were his own. Fingers entwined themselves in his hair again, yanking him up or awake, he wasn't sure.

It was early evening, and the sky was still fairly bright with the recently set sun. Dumbledore and Hermione were absently playing Rummy 500, even though both of their scores were now approaching 700. Gabriel napped on the large bed and Adrimori and Durefhan engaged in quiet conversation as Allosia paced. 

They all froze and turned to the door in response to a loud and anxious knock. Durefhan rose to get it, blocking the view from the rest of the room.

"Merlin's wretched and holy mother," he breathed, moving away from the door and ushering in Draco Malfoy who was supporting Snape's bloody and limp weight.

Adrimori, swept Gabriel off the bed and into the side room before the boy could wake, and got a quick nod of thanks from Allosia before she rushed to her husband's side as Draco eased him onto the bed.

Allosia traced two fingers along Snape's hairline. "Hey, hey, can you hear me?"

He moaned incoherently, but his eyes fluttered open and seemed to focus on her for half a second, before shutting again.

Allosia jerked her head around to look at Draco, before she could ask anything though he began to list the curses and implements that had been used on Snape in a monotone.

"Gods why?" It was Hermione who had been unable to contain her shock.

"Because the dear professor's pride was evidently more important to him than his life. I don't care who you are or where you stand in this war, but what he did was foolish." Registering the size of the audience in the room for the first time, Draco paused. Then, "Headmaster, I need a word, in private."

"Very well, Draco, let me look at Severus first," he said, joining Allosia at the edge of the bed. "Child," he whispered and it took Allosia a second to realize this was directed not at her, but at Snape. "Oh, Child, what have they done to you?" 

At that, Snape opened his eyes and locked on to Dumbledore's gaze, earning a warm smile from the older wizard. 

"I am sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be, don't be. Allosia is here, and your cousin, and friends. I, I have to go talk to Draco, they will take care of you." 

Snape shut his eyes tightly and nodded as he left leg began spasming uncontrollably.

Dumbledore clapped both Adrimori and Allosia on the back as he exited the room with an uncomfortable looking Draco Malfoy.

Adrimori quickly took charge then, stripping Snape magically and beginning to examine his wounds. He got the blood stopped quickly enough, but began to express frustration when he could do nothing for the muscle spasms, which seemed to visit Snape's limbs randomly. 

Finally, during a respite from it, Snape whispered, "Don't bother. Cruciatus side effect. Nothing to be done."

Allosia started to protest, but Snape shushed her.

"This was more, more than ever. Where's Gabriel?"

"He's asleep, Sev," came Durefhan's voice.

Snape groaned, "Who else is here?"

"Hermione," Allosia said gently. "And Dumbledore just left with Draco."

"Draco," Snape groaned as he said the name and settled into silence again.

Allosia sighed, frustrated. "What can I do?" she asked.

"Just lie here, next to me," he said haltingly.

"I don't want to hurt you," she replied.

"I didn't ask you to touch me. Just, lie here, it's enough."

She climbed over him then, after casting her eyes over the room, and curled on her side and watched as Adrimori continued to try to ease her husband's discomfort.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Shhhhh," was her only response although she knew soothing noises were far from enough. "I'm glad you were able to finish your speech," she said, absently running a finger through his damp hair. When he shuddered she retracted her hand.

His face strained for a moment, until the lips twisted into a slight smile. "Me too," he said, without opening his eyes.

Allosia locked eyes with Adrimori then. He nodded at her. She was as good for Snape as he had heard

Twenty minutes later, Dumbledore returned, without Draco. A quick questioning look to Adrimori got him a nod. Snape would survive, although the true extent of the damage probably couldn't even be assessed until the man had had some rest. He sighed, visibly relaxing his shoulders, although his face looked no less grim.

"Allosia?" he asked softly.

"Yes Albus?" she replied, without taking her gaze from Snape.

"I am sorry for the timing, but it is, unavoidable. I need your talents," he said, adding, even more gently, "now."

Allosia sat up. "Albus?"

Snape opened his eyes and tried to look from one to the other of them, but had clear trouble focusing in.

"I need you to question Draco," Dumbledore said, hoping his bluntness would make this conversation quicker.

"Alright," she said, her voice unsure, as she started to scoot down to the end of the bed.

Snape grabbed her wrist.

"I'll be right back," she whispered, leaning close to him again.

"I remember," he said, and it took Allosia a minute to realize it was only the beginning of a thought.

"What do you remember, love?"

"When you questioned me. Please —" His voice cut off then, but no one except him could have said whether it was choked with pain or emotion.

"It's just work, Severus. That wasn't. This is just like what you do, yes?"

He nodded, and she delicately kissed at the pads of his fingers, before getting up and following Dumbledore out of the room.

After he heard the door closed, Snape finally muttered, "that's rather the problem," before drifting into a fitful sleep as the three friends exchanged worried looks.


	42. everything counts

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

While it's less than relevant in this chapter, special thanks to Simone Magus and Elionwyr for the many chats we've had about Severus' voice and the impulse to write.

---------

"Albus, tell me what I'm walking into," Allosia said, hurrying along side the old but spry wizard to his rooms.

"Draco has been very generous to both you and Severus, in his way. He is making me, us, the Ministry an offer. I don't understand why, and I desperately want to trust him, but I also need to know, not only if I should, but if he's a risk to Severus."

"And if he is?"

Dumbledore stopped then. "You and Severus are like children to me, and Severus is also very good at what he does. This does not stop me, in the face of the possibilities Draco may present, from being grateful I am no more pragmatic a man than I am."

"You're afraid you'll have to choose who to save."

"No. I will not make that choice. But if the choice exists, we must know, lest someone else attempt to make that choice."

"The Ministry."

"Or your husband."

Allosia was about to be outraged, but then realized it was not Draco, Dumbledore was worried about in that equation. Allosia nodded slowly, chewed at the corner of her lip, and then looked up at the wizard, all business again. "You'll want to watch."

Dumbledore nodded.

"You know how I do things?" she asked.

"I know," he said, and she decided not to analyze the solemnity in his voice.

"What's his attitude towards this?"

"He's agreed to it, but I've also bound him to the chair."

Allosia looked quizzical.

"I believe last time you saw him he was involved in an assault on you. I thought it best."

Allosia swallowed, nodded, how could she forget, and yet, she almost had.

"And you have the veritaserum?"

"Yes,"

"Give it to me. I want to administer it, and it's important that he see me as the authority in the room."

Dumbledore reached in his robes and passed her the vial with far less solemnity than the first time he had done such a thing. Their eyes locked then, remembering. 

"Right then," she said, as they stopped outside the door to his room.

Dumbledore swung the door open then and entered the room, holding the door for her, and then closing it softly behind. He retreated to a corner, as Allosia faced Draco.

She paused and looked at him. Studied his face and what she could get of his body language through the binding.

"Thank you for bringing my husband back," she said, tightly. It would be inappropriate not to acknowledge the act.

He nodded, clearly surprised by this gesture.

"Interesting circumstances, these," she said, slowly pacing towards him. "You're always so helpful, but always after everything is so awful." She crouched down in front of him suddenly. "I don't understand you." She stood again, making it clear she didn't want an answer, at least, not at that moment.

She administered the veritaserum more roughly than she had with Snape; instead of cradling his head, she held his nose, making Draco both seem and feel more reluctant about the discussion than he was.

As they waited, she made full display of impatience, even turning to Dumbledore and saying "I should be with Severus," quite pointedly. He understood that it was only partially an act.

"It cannot be helped, Allosia. Such opportunities come when they do."

Allosia had turned from him then and sneered at Draco. "No, you knew exactly how poor your timing was, didn't you?" she asked.

He shrugged, and smiled.

Allosia narrowed her eyes. "Why are you enjoying this?"

"I've always liked you," he said.

"Explain."

"What's to explain? Surely, even with your choice of a spouse, you know what desire is."

__

Well, at least he's made it clear how he's going to play this, she thought. "Why are you offering to inform on the Death Eaters to us?" she asked.

"I am not in a position of advantage serving them. Perhaps, I am by disserving them," he said.

"Explain."

"What's to explain? I was promised power and glory, I got blood and servitude. I hardly need an ugly tattoo and regular doses of the Cruciatus to find that, don't you think?"

Allosia shrugged then. Smiled out of half her mouth.

"Doesn't this put you at even more risk?"

"No. The war needs to end. Doesn't matter who wins, but no one is safe until it is over."

"You want to play both sides?" she said slyly.

"Don't you?" he asked.

She raised her eyebrows but let it pass. "Why do you think you have anything to offer we can't get from other sources?" she asked.

"Severus, you mean?"

"Other sources. Answer."

"I'm Lucius Malfoy's son."

"I'm aware. Now explain yourself."

"The son of Voldemort's right hand man," his pitch rose, his tone became singsong as he tried to be dramatic through the drug. "I overhear all sorts of things. I stumble into all sorts of things." He paused then. "Like you."

"What else?" Her voice was deep, wry, sounded almost comically like her husband's, but this was not the time for anyone to be amused.

"Politics with-in the Death Eaters. Who's safe, who isn't," he made a face at her then. _Trust me, and I'll let you know if your husband is safe_, was what he was telling her. And it made Allosia angry.

"What else?" she said, not rising to the bait.

"I can tell you secrets," and then a sensual smile from him.

This probably wasn't going to be useful, but he had her attention. This was a line of attack from him, and it would, with any luck, provide some insight.

"What type of secrets?" she asked, upping the sexuality in her voice, taking a step closer to him.

"Ohhh," he said lazily, "about Severus. About all the strange pleasures he indulges when he's away from you."

__

Remain calm. This is going to get ugly. "Really? Like what?" she said, taking another step closer and reaching out to him, running a finger lightly down his neck.

Draco shivered. "I'm sorry, I forgot to count the number of women I've watched him fuck." He stared at her then, face frozen in a smile.

__

He's good, she thought to herself_. Allosia will deal with this later. Not me, not now, not the interrogator. _"Is it ever, interesting?" she asked. _Severus, forgive me._

Short laugh then from Draco. "He likes to strangle them. Have them all to himself. In his own hands. No foolish wand waving and all that." Smirk again.

Allosia took the final step forward, so that she was standing between Draco's legs. She ran a hand through his hair, as she kept her posture, straight, imperious and disinterested. "Don't you think," she began, "I already know this?" she asked as she settled her hands loosely at his throat. "Don't you think," she continued, "that I adore when Severus, does this to me?" She tightened her hands on his throat then, pressing at the front of it, and enjoyed watching his face go nervous, his body stiffen, and his arousal become apparent.

She let go suddenly, turned away. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I watched your wedding."

Slight intake of breath there from her, "Why?"

"Because I was curious."

"What did you think?" she asked, quizzical, still not turning to face him.

"You're so in love," he said incredulously.

"We are," she said simply. "despite what you tried to do here today," she said, turning to face him, pleased to see that he had turned back into the little boy that had once been her student. "Now tell me, what makes you worth anything, and what is your price?"

Draco had named names then, divulged plans. Most of it was information they already had from Snape, but the confirmation was valuable and showed that his loyalty was not currently suspect. That was something. That was a lot. Some of the new information seemed mildly interesting. And, oddly, his demands were small, which to Allosia's mind meant his motives were still unclear. No matter, it was not her problem, not directly anyway.

She turned to Dumbledore. "You can handle it from here I take it?" she asked.

He nodded, and made as if to ask her something.

She waved him off. _Not now. Not here._ And left the room as quickly as she could.

"I need a shower," she announced as she opened the door, still wound from the interrogation, with Draco's words beginning to sink into her smaller, domestic mind.

She looked to the bed then. Adrimori sat cross-legged on it, reading, while Severus continued to sleep, mouth open, and mostly far too still. Opposite, Durefhan sat in a chair, staring at the ceiling. 

"Hermione's with Gabriel," he said, softly.

Allosia nodded, and went to the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as she could stand, setting the exact temperature with her wand. She didn't start crying until she stepped into the water to scrub as much of her skin off as she could.

__

How dare Draco. How dare he.


	43. comforts

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Greetings from Pittsburgh – now I'm the one at a conference, AND no local Internet access, but I dialed in LD just to give you all the next installment. Well, and because there's nothing else to do anywhere near this damn Holiday Inn.  
  
*sigh*  
  
-------------  
  
Allosia reached for her wand and switched the shower temperature to ice cold. It was a habit from when she had long hair; someone had told her it was better for it. But right now it helped to focus and invigorate her, and that was much needed.  
  
After shutting the water off and perfunctorily drying herself, she slipped on Severus' robe and belted it, before going to check on Gabriel. He and Hermione were sitting cross-legged on his narrow bed drawing pictures.  
  
"Hey," she said, leaning in the doorway.  
  
"Hi Mommy!" Gabriel said and went back to his coloring.  
  
"How are you holding up?" Hermione asked, turning to face her.  
  
"I'll be alright."  
  
"So not very well then?"  
  
"Miss Granger, do you always have to be right?" Allosia said wearily and with as much humour as she could muster.  
  
"What happened with Draco?"  
  
Allosia sighed, shook her head, felt like she needed to say something and didn't know what. "Have you ever interviewed someone under veritaserum?"  
  
"No."  
  
"They can be very very blunt, and if they are trying to fight it, the conversations can get way off track. I take advantage of that, to get what I need, but it's not always pleasant."  
  
"What did Draco say to you?"  
  
"Just things, about Severus." She trailed off, shaking her head again.  
  
"Surely, he was just trying to upset you?"  
  
"He was, but he wasn't lying."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
Allosia wasn't willing to try to address it around Gabriel, and instead just looked at Hermione, pleadingly, willing the girl, and she was a girl still, that was so clear, to guess.  
  
Hermione stood then, and reached out for both of Allosia's hands. "He's obviously so in love with you. Albus writes about you two all the time. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you, well, anything Draco would know about, if he didn't have to."  
  
Allosia smiled weakly. "What's made you Severus' defender so suddenly?"  
  
She cast a glance at Gabriel and shrugged. "Smart unlovable people, ya know?"  
  
Allosia's heart went out to her former student then. "You're not unlovable. You're not even as unlovable as Severus," she said with a slight chuckle.  
  
Hermione shrugged. "But I never have and never will be the most important thing to anyone."  
  
"Durefhan?"  
  
"The work, the work. We are solace, not passion. I'd hate him for it, if he weren't so comfortable."  
  
"Would you really want to be the most important thing in the world to anyone?"  
  
"Isn't that what everyone wants?"  
  
"It's a very claustrophobic life, Hermione. I would trade it for nothing, but it has cost me so much. Sometimes I feel I hardly know myself without him, and when I do, I'm trying to seduce the truth out of the likes of Draco."  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
"Don't be. Don't ever be sorry for anything you had no hand in, even as a figure of speech. It's a terrible habit."  
  
Hermione nodded.  
  
"Why don't you and Stahl go get some rest or whatever it is you two do; we'll see you in the morning."  
  
She nodded again, and then turned to say goodnight to Gabriel, before retrieving Durefhan and leaving to Allosia's small thank you.  
  
  
  
"Are you alright?" Adrimori asked, looking up for his book.  
  
"No."  
  
"You want to talk about it?"  
  
"Gabriel," she said, rubbing her face.  
  
"It's been a long day, I'm sure we can get him to play quietly or in fact sleep."  
  
"I try not to cast spells on him when I don't have to."  
  
"This is all pretty serious, Sia."  
  
Allosia nodded. "Can you deal with it, I don't have the energy to keep an even face around him right now."  
  
Adrimori nodded, and slid off the bed silently as Allosia went to sit by Severus. She smiled at him then, peaceful, here, hers.  
  
"How do you do this?" she whispered. "How do you survive this? Because I'm not sure I know how." She laid a hand against his chest then and focused her energy and warmth towards him. "If only I, or anyone, could give you enough to change all this." She stood up abruptly then, turning away before tears began to fall to see Adrimori watching her from the doorway.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"It seems Draco wants to be a spy too, and not out of altruism."  
  
He nodded for her to continue.  
  
"I asked him what he had to offer us. The conversation got off track. It happens, it's the best way to cause someone to loose track of their control. He told me he could tell me things about Severus. He alluded to pleasures, I stupidly asked what he meant."  
  
"What did he mean?"  
  
Allosia tried to mimic Draco's voice then. "I've lost count of how many women I've watched Severus fuck."  
  
"Oh, Sia."  
  
She held up a hand. "I know. I mean, I knew. From the beginning. Before we first slept together, he asked me if I was sure. We'd been dancing around each other for weeks, of course I was sure. But then he explained. That he would never be able to be faithful to me, the way he would want, not with his role, with the Death Eaters. No one would benefit from his refusing Voldemort's gifts."  
  
Adrimori searched for something to say.  
  
"I'm only upset, because it's taken me this long to realize I can't handle it."  
  
Adrimori went to her then and put his arms around her as she dissolved in tears. He whispered her name over and over again, until she calmed. He pushed her away from him then, and looked at her hard in the eye.  
  
"I have known Severus his whole life," he said, "and while we have never spent as much time together as we probably should have, I can tell you he has always hated to be touched, hated to have his world violated, by friends, formality or even pleasure. That he is physically comfortable with you to any degree amazes me, that that passion so obviously runs so deep, gratifies me. I have little doubt that he takes no pleasure in whatever contact he may have with others, physiology aside. I hope that is not too blunt and terrible a thing to say to you."  
  
"No, no it's fine. Thank you," she said, and hugged him again.  
  
They both turned then, at a soft noise from the bed.  
  
"What's wrong?" Snape asked, voice thick with pain and sleep.  
  
Allosia smiled, and made a sound that under other circumstances would have been a laugh, before she went to him and brushed his hair back from his face. "Nothing," she said, "it's all going to be okay. You need to sleep as much as you can though, alright?"  
  
He nodded. "Water," he said, then squinted his eyes. "Bath, actually, would help."  
  
Allosia looked to Adrimori, he nodded.  
  
"Alright," she said, "you're still weak. You're going to have trouble walking, probably for a while, so let me help you, okay?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"I'm going to go, if you need anything, at any hour, please come get me. We'll regroup in the morning," Adrimori said then, as Allosia helped Snape into a sitting position.  
  
She nodded. "Thank you."  
  
"None needed. You'll both be okay," he said gently, laying on a hand on Allosia's shoulder before departing. 


	44. a distinct lack of options

Disclaimer —

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

I'm still in Pittsburgh. I'm still bitter.

And yes, Draco's role is ongoing (although somewhat sporadic) from here on out.

------------

Allosia tensed as Snape took a deep breath and submerged himself entirely under the water; when he surfaced a moment later, she exhaled and sighed. 

"Better," he said.

"I should think."

"Did you speak to Draco earlier?"

"Yeah. Albus had me question him."

"I thought I had dreamed it."

"Regrettably not, but I am grateful to him for getting you back here."

Snape nodded. "We should discuss that."

"Draco?"

He nodded.

"Not right now. We're both exhausted," she said, pushing hair out of her face that wasn't there.

"Are you alright?"

"You gave me quite a fright."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. How do you feel?"

"How would you imagine I feel?"

"Sorry."

"Don't."

Allosia chuckled then and his face softened.

"I was really scared," she said.

"So was I," he whispered and looked away.

"Can this continue?"

"It has to."

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, looking for the right words. Finally, she settled on, "are you safe?"

He nodded, and laughed sharply. "More than ever. My hubris apparently convinces them of my allegiance to a cause such as theirs." 

"Do you want to keep doing this?" she asked.

"What I want has very little to do with anything," he said bitterly.

"Severus —"

"I can't let myself think about that. Desire implies choice; I have none and that's not something I can loose sight of."

She considered ranting at him about excessive nobility, or, slightly more amusingly, teasing him about his seemingly Gryffindor bravery, but another question presented itself instead. "Just what is your deal with the ministry?"

"I do this til the war ends or I die," he said and shrugged.

"Or?"

"Or I renew the sincerity of my allegiance to the Death Eaters, I suppose and wait to be captured and sent to Azkaban. There aren't a lot of places to hide, there aren't any really, so don't ask."

Allosia nodded. "I just needed to know."

"Understandably."

That sat in silence for a long time then, Snape's jaw set with pain and anger. Eventually he muttered, "I'm for bed, help me back to it?"

Allosia complied silently.

__

Time slowed down as Florence ended. Everyone was prickly, and we all tried not to talk about it. Not me, not the perpetually sleeping Severus, and not Adrimori or Stahl or Hermione. Even Albus seemed to be keeping his wisdom to himself, lest anything hurt anyone more than had already been necessary. Gabriel too had become quiet, waiting, rather pointedly, for the adults to tell him the rest of the story.


	45. homecoming lessons

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
True confession: wrote this by hand, during boring conference speeches today. Made me look oh so attentive, let me tell you.  
  
---------  
  
Snape raised his head from Allosia's shoulder as the carriage approached the castle.  
  
"I never thought I'd be so glad to see this place," he said dryly.  
  
"Home is home," Dumbledore said.  
  
"Indeed," came Snape's sharp and cryptic reply.  
  
"I can't wait to see my owl," Gabriel announced proudly.  
  
"I'm sure Sendak will be very happy to see you too," the old wizard replied in a kindly voice.  
  
"Can we go out and play today?" he asked his mother then.  
  
"Let's get ourselves settled and unpacked first and then we'll go do something, okay?" Allosia said.  
  
"Okay. You come too," Gabriel said, poking a small finger into Dumbledore's knee.  
  
The headmaster chuckled but did not respond.  
  
"And you," she said turning to her husband, "are going right to bed."  
  
"I've spent enough time in hospital that your enthusiasm for the mind numbing boredom of the recuperation process is not particularly welcome or appropriate," he said absently, staring out the window.  
  
"Would you rather I remind you of the need to get your strength back in time for the horror that is summer term?" she asked, a sharp mischief in her voice.  
  
"No," he said, clipped, flat.  
  
"Alright then," she said, somewhat annoyed with his tone.  
  
As if in response another spasm shot through his left arm. "Merlin's beard," he whispered and clenched his fist.  
  
  
  
Gabriel smiled as Sendak flew in thhrough the sitting room's small circular window and perched on the arm of a chair.  
  
"Bird, bird," Gabriel said as he held his hand up for the bird to nudge at.  
  
"What did you get up to while we were gone?" Allosia asked playfully.  
  
The owl hooted.  
  
"Yes, I rather thought so," she said and went to the bedroom to unpack.  
  
Gabriel giggled.  
  
The bird eyes Snape warily as he settled stiffly into the other chair.  
  
"What are you looking at?" he asked it.  
  
Sendak flew up in a small circle and returned to his perch.  
  
"Yes, yes, we missed you too," he said wearily before leaning his head back and closing his eyes.  
  
He sighed and tried to rrelax, quickly drifting towards sleep, until he felt a tugging at his robes.  
  
"Yes Gabriel?" he asked without opening his eyes or warming his voice.  
  
"Are you going to be okay?" the boy asked.  
  
That snapped him back to consciousness and hhe sat up, perhaps more quickly than his muscles would have preferred.  
  
"Of course I'm going to be okay," he said trying to sound reassuring, but realizing it probably just sounded harsh.  
  
"Why are you hurt?"  
  
Snape sighed then and bent over to pick the boy up before resting him on his lap. How to answer this.  
  
"You know what I do, yes?"  
  
"You teach," the boy said.  
  
"What else?"  
  
"Make potions."  
  
Snape nodded and made a noise of approval, "And how do I do that?"  
  
"Mix things."  
  
"Right. And you know how you have to be careful and not touch anything when you come to the classroom?"  
  
"Yes," Gabriel got quiet, sensing he was getting close to the answer.  
  
"It's a little like that, Gabriel. I touched something I shouldn't have, because I couldn't control my curiosity, and I got hurt."  
  
"Curiosity kills cats!" he said and giggled.  
  
Snape smiled. "Only sometimes. If someone warns you about something you need to think very seriously about why they would do that, yes?"  
  
"Yes," he said and leaned his head against Snape's chest.  
  
Snape rested his arms around the boy then, marveling at the strangeness of having helped create this creature.  
  
Allosia padded out from the bedroom then and smiled at the sight.  
  
"Gabriel?" she asked softly.  
  
"What?" he asked, pressing closer to his father.  
  
"Go get some toys together and we'll go out and play, okay?"  
  
"Okay," he said and scrambled down from Snape's lap.  
  
"Am I being sent to bed?" he asked dryly.  
  
"Right in one."  
  
"You're not coming, are you?"  
  
"You need to rest," she said.  
  
He sighed and stood. He felt like hell, but there were things he needed to attend to before sleep. 


	46. the twenty-fourth letter

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

-------

__

Dearest Sia —

In light of recent events, it would, I imagine, be apt of me to address certain eventualities. Oddly, or perhaps not, these aren't obligations, I've well considered before. There was no cause, not because I was not at risk, but because the ramifications of that risk were limited to my own already corrupt flesh.

I am hesitant to continue and am put in mind of my earliest lessons of the magical world. To name a thing is to make it real. When this war finally kills me and my force of will is no longer enough to sustain the charade, please do whatever it is need be, for your self and for our son. I do not want you wasting time on what I would have wanted, hemming and hawing over memorial services where people I never liked will no doubt discover my supposed virtues for the first time.

Despite my oft misplaces pride, ego and hubris, I am not interested in being a hero and beg of you to ensure I never become one. My choices are merely what I have been compelled to, to pay this multitude of debts. The task is Syssiphean and the respite of you, an oddity on the landscape of it, no doubt confounds many as much as myself. 

Apologize to your parents for me. Tell Gabriel how desperately I loved you both. Find your way back to the world. Everything that is mine and good or useful will become yours and I hope that, that will be both all and enough.

I was never so tangible as I should have been. How can I be anything but sorry? I hope we will both have the requisite courage to let go, when a time comes that I can only pray will be distant.

Your unfinished ghost,

Severus Snape.

The writing of the letter was difficult for him, not because of the subject matter but because it was hard for him to control the quill through his trembling. It was a truth of the world that it was the small indignities that could and did make so much intolerable.

He thought about giving Allosia the letter, but considered that its concerns, while necessary, might make it more than unwelcome, and so he tucked it away to place with the others.


	47. confrontations

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Thank you all for your lovely reviews. I want to say something eloquent, but I leave that to the characters.  
  
I'm back from Pittsburgh now, and with a mean case of carpal tunnel aggravation from working on my Slytherin scarf, but, onto Ch. 47.  
  
-------  
  
While her conversation with the younger Malfoy remained on her mind, Allosia didn't feel right bringing it up with her husband, at least, not while he was still unwell. Truth be told though, she had misgivings about mentioning it at all. She had, after all, agreed to and recognized this particular reality in their lives long ago. That didn't, of course, make it any easier.  
  
Finally, on the last night before the start of summer seminars, she decided could avoid the topic no longer. Snape was sitting up in bed, using the lap desk he'd had since childhood to work on lectures and handouts for his students.  
  
"Severus?" she asked, standing in front of the bed.  
  
He made an interrogative noise, but didn't look up.  
  
"I think you'll want to give me your full attention for this one," she said, her voice unsure and making her sound very young.  
  
He still did not look up. "You always have my full attention," he said, making another notation.  
  
She smiled briefly. "It's about Draco."  
  
Then he looked up. "I was wondering when we would come back to that," he said, smiling in a way most of his students found unpleasant if not downright frightening.  
  
"I can't say I feel entirely right about asking you this –"  
  
"But?" he said, wanting her to come to the point.  
  
"But the conversation, interrogation, I should say, rattled me in the extreme, and I'm not doing very well at pretending it didn't, which I don't think is very fair to you."  
  
He nodded appreciatively, but was still waiting for the bombshell.  
  
"The discussion got off track –"  
  
"As these things are wont to do," he concluded for her.  
  
"Yes. Anyway, he, of course, kept telling us, Albus was there, by the way, about what valuable information he could provide to us, could provide to me."  
  
"What did he say about me Allosia?" Snape asked, feeling she'd never get to the point if he didn't push it.  
  
"He said," she paused and started again, "he said he had forgotten to count how many women he had watched you fuck."  
  
Snape sighed, and tried not to quirk his mouth at her. "And what did you make of this?"  
  
She shook her head and looked at the floor before looking up at him peering intently at her. "I mean, I knew, I know, of course, you said, right at the beginning, it's, it's just that it's very different when someone throws it in your face."  
  
"Sia," he said gently. "Examine his words. He forgot to count, not he lost track. He was being very precise and very cruel, because that it what people who are trying to avoid Veritaserum do. Draco Malfoy has never seen me, fuck, anyone," he paused, to make sure she was listening. "I will not lie to you, I have done things we both wish I had not had to. I havve done the very things he claimed to you to have seen me do. You told me some time ago that you did not want the details, and as such, I do not give them to you. If you'd like me to give you the details, I can and I will. I am at your mercy in this regard. Just please believe me when I tell you, I avoid these situations to the best of my ability, but you have married a pragmatic man, and there are some gifts from some sources it would be unwise, and in fact deadly of me, to refuse."  
  
"You are so reasonable about all this," she said tightly, trying not to cry.  
  
"I see little alternative. To be anything but would be to give it more power over us than it deserves. I am a different man as a Death Eater and I am a different man as a spy. While this may be at odds with whatever romantic notions sustain you, I do my best to pretend you do not exist when I must meet those obligations. It is safest for us both." He looked away then, out loud, his logic sounded less honorable.  
  
"Safe is becoming very distasteful," she said, tears falling and fists clenched.  
  
"Come here," he said, putting the lap desk and papers aside.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"Sia," he said, his voice low, menacing.  
  
She gave him a pleading look and he made his gaze more insistent in response. Finally, she willed her feet to move and sat stiffly on the edge of the bed.  
  
Snape put his arms around her, and she did not respond. When he tightened his grip and tried to lean into her, she began to fight him, all her rage and frustration and tears finally coming to the surface. He let her hit and push at him at first, but it was too maddening, and to let it continue would only imply to them both that she had a right to hate him for choices that he had put into motion long ago but had lost all ability to direct.  
  
"Stop it!" he said, louder and louder, as he grabbed at her wrists and tried to get her to actually look at him. Finally, he pushed her back onto the bed and rolled on top of her, pinning her hands to the mattress.  
  
It was enough to shock her into silence.  
  
They stared at each other for a long moment then, until in a small shuddering voice, she murmured, "Oh gods," and started sobbing again. Snape relaxed his grip and allowed himself to collapse on top of her.  
  
She was grateful for his weight, it as a comfort and some vague connection to the real world, a world that wasn't full of the things their lives were full of. "I'm sorry," she said then.  
  
He lifted his head, leaned up on his elbows and cupped the side of her face in his right hand. "Don't be. Oh, please, don't be. You have every right to be angry with me and worse. My only regret, and the fundamental problem we have to face, is there is no compromise I can offer you, other than information, and even the experience of it, but that hardly seems kind, or useful."  
  
She nodded then. "I know," she said. "And I guess I accept that, but you need to know how very very hard this is for me."  
  
He nodded and bit at his lip. "It would seem facile to tell you I understand. And I'm sorry if it seems unkind of me to tell you to toughen up, but we cannot let, and in fact, I will not allow, the commentary of that wretched ferret of a child destroy my marriage. You need only worry about what I think and feel and what you think and feel. Yes?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"You're so strong. I need you to continue to be strong, alright?"  
  
She nodded again.  
  
"Now," he said, changing the pitch and inflection of his voice, "what can I do?"  
  
The silence was long, before she found it in her to answer. She was shy suddenly, and a little lost. "Help me disappear," she whispered.  
  
He kissed at her tear stained face, and gave her a slightly quizzical look.  
  
She reached up with her mouth and kissed him, biting at his lower lip, slow and firm. "Take this fight out of me," she said, closing her eyes. She sighed then. "Make it hurt," was the last thing she whispered to him, before tilting her head up to expose her throat. Where he normally would have grinned, he nodded solemnly.  
  
"Look at me," he said, as he ran his nails up and down her thigh with an increasing pressure. "Don't ever forget who I am, and don't ever forget how I feel about you," he said, slowly and emphatically, as he sat back on his heels to remove her clothing.  
  
When she sat up to help him, he pushed her back to the mattress. "No," he said sharply. "You don't move unless I tell you to, understood?"  
  
She nodded, and mouthed, "Thank you," before he descended on her with precise and uncareful hands. 


	48. the twenty-fifth letter

Disclaimer: It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

I don't know if anyone reading these tries to **hear** them, but this is very pretty when spoken with a broad, sad smile.

----------

__

Sia —

How can I be so forgiving of you and yet so angry, especially as your transgressions have always been and will always be so much more trivial than my own, whether against our life together or against the world? 

I am tempted to apologize for the degree to which sex is currency in this world, in every world. It is a gift, a commodity and an accusation I cannot shield you from, and even if I could, that would indeed be a grave mistake, because we both keep silences. The longer we are together, the more I understand the necessity of that and the way the quiet keeps us safe from our lesser natures. We solve so much on the mattress, too much perhaps, but I have not the words to live otherwise, and I suspect, neither to do you. I know of no way to preserve the alchemy of which we take advantage and to also eliminate the thread of sexual barter that cuts so finely through our lives.

I am sorry. And you do have every right to be angry, but it frustrates me deeply when you look for options where there are none. It shames me. Do you think I do not seek them? That they would not occur to me? That I somehow take pleasure in tasting flesh right before it ceases?

I suppose I do though; after all, it reminds me of my own, and I suppose you know that. But that is not the man you married, but rather an aspect, worn and tailored as finely as the robes you still compliment. That man does not know love, kindness, nuance or even pleasure except in imitation of human form and function. He was an awkward child, who grew, until recently, into a mere mockery of an adult.

It is my wish to soothe this hurt, Sia, but I do not know how. I worry that more information will only make it impossible to close your wounds, and I do not wish for you to merely grow accustomed to them instead.

I will do anything you ask; I hope you recognize the implications of such scope.

Faithfully impossible, 

your Severus.


	49. Houses

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

-------

__

Severus recovered. I recovered. Although in each case it took longer than either of us cared to admit, and left scars that were evident, but unspoken.

For my husband's part, Florence aged him. The lines in his face, that had always been evident, that had threatened to appear even when we were children, became deeper, his skin taking on a terrible transparency under the eyes when he was tired. And while it surprised many but me, this bothered him more than a little.

He took to staring at himself in the mirror sometimes before bed, telling me on one occasion that the more he knew himself the less he recognized himself. He sounded sad, as he said it, but I couldn't help but be hopeful, although I couldn't tell you of what.

I, eventually, stopped being angry about the truth, stopped insisting that Severus take it out on me in bed. Not that power games hadn't always amused us both, but when there was such purpose behind them we were both as unsettled as we were captivated. Besides, he needed to be taken outside himself just as much as I always had, if not more so. I could not be merely a small and delicate thing and keep either of us happy.

The fear was harder to lose. I worried not that he would leave me, but that one day I would find out something too terrible to bare, and I would lose my courage and abandon the long years of tolerance. Without him, my hands would feel a finger short; losing him, through any choice of my own, was simply not an option.

But everything is always an option. It is what makes life so frightening, and love so miraculous.

Gabriel turned three, and then four. He became very focused on the way people interacted, blurting far too often what he surmised Severus or I might have thought of someone. While it was often simplistic, it was never wrong. We joked about it being a Slytherin trait, although I think even then, we began to suspect that Gabriel would never be placed in his father's House.

Shortly after Gabriel's fourth birthday, Flitwick announced this would be his final term as a teacher at Hogwarts, and so the search began for a suitable replacement, as I was named, somewhat reluctantly, to head the House I had mostly forgotten to belong to as a student.


	50. the howler

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

And now, for some sweetness and light, much of it at the expense of one Gilderoy Lockhart, because it's JUST TOO EASY.

-----------

"Cheating? In Ravenclaw? Why I'm shocked," Snape said loudly and with an obvious smirk over breakfast.

Allosia sighed and gave him a look that said, _must you?_ Before responding at equal volume, as more than one professor, including the new Charms professor Aaron Benedict, looked to her for an answer.

"You should hardly be surprised," she said, "it happens in all the Houses, just for different reasons. One of the Ravenclaw flaws is a disinterest in doing work that seems too easy. They do take short cuts, to get to the actual challenge." She turned back to her eggs then.

Snape gazed at the listeners theatrically. "Ah, how nearly Slytherin. The intellect for intrigue, but not the heart."

"What on earth are you on about Severus?" Professor Sprout asked.

"Slytherins would not have gotten caught, but I suppose that's an alien concept for a Hufflepuff such as yourself. Although, I'd imagine running the green house means you can't very well get in trouble for snogging in it anymore," he said derisively, before returning to his food as the day's mail swooped in, in the clutches of a fleet of owls and to the marked enthusiasm of the students.

He glanced quickly at the handwriting on the letters his wife received — noting Hermione's and Adrimori's, but was stopped from comment by a dark red envelope dropping into the middle of his eggs and pudding.

Everyone stared at it as it began to smoke. It was hard for anyone, Severus Snape included, to conceive of who valued their life so little as to send the potions master a howler. 

Snape sighed, and tore the damn thing open and was treated, along with the rest of the Great Hall, to the shrill screaming voice of Gilderoy Lockhart. "WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME ABOUT THAT FOUL DRAGON OF A WOMAN, YOU INSENSITIVE, MALICIOUS, OVERGOWN BAT?!?" 

Students tried desperately not to laugh, convinced that Snape would recognize the sounds of anyone who so dared and give them detention for the rest of their Hogwarts careers.

Having gotten the gist of the letter, Snape destroyed it, and then proceeded to quickly transfigure the remains of his breakfast into parchment and quill. He announced the content of his reply quietly as he wrote it, knowing the entire room was stunned enough to be paying attention.

"My dear Gilderoy," he intoned as his quill scratched against the paper. "I did not warn you about Koureha, because I presumed you would be as adept in defending yourself against her as you are in defending yourself against the Dark Arts." He paused then, glaring at his audience, before continuing. "Based on the contents and tone of your missive it would appear that I was, in fact, correct. Warmest regards, Professor Severus Snape." He paused again, and licked his lips. "P.S. — I'm sure Koureha will be overjoyed to know you were sharing your fondness for her with me in so vivid a fashion."

He quickly rolled the scroll then and summoned Sendak to him from his perch on the back of Gabriel's chair.

"Bring this to Lockhart," Snape said intensely to the bird. "And be sure to bite him while you're at it." They nodded to each other then, and the bird took off, as Allosia tried, and failed, not to dissolve into giggles.

"Are all of your husband's correspondents so vocal?" Benedict asked archly.

Before Allosia could respond, McGonogall interjected. "Actually, Severus rarely receives mail, and when he does, it's almost always, dramatic."

Snape glared at her then. "If we're quite done discussion my private business?" he asked.

"I'd hardly call that private," Hooch muttered, and would have in fact gotten away with it if Hagrid had not proceeded to roar with laughter in response.

Snape pointed at her across the table, his typical silent warning to a woman who knew him a bit to well, and was, after a sort, what could be considered a friend. Hooch tried not to smile.

"So, on this lovely note, how are you enjoying Hogwarts so far?" Allosia asked in an attempt to make small talk.

"The environment is really a bit cloistered for my tastes, hardly enough adult company, not that you aren't all wonderful."

Allosia nodded sympathetically. "I felt the same way when Gabriel was a baby, no identity but him and the baby talk."

"Oh, yes, I let Miriam handle most of that," Benedict said, distractedly.

Snape coughed loudly and artificially then, earning him a sharp and curious glance from Allosia.

"Asthma," he said curtly to Benedict, before turning to Allosia and whispering, "I'll tell you later." He then announced to whatever parts of the table were still paying him more attention than they should have been that he had classes to prepare for. With Gabriel following him at a run, Severus Snape strode out of the Great Hall.

As Snape returned to the sitting room from seeing his son to bed, Allosia asked the question she'd been waiting to ask all day, and perhaps, since the term started.

"Why do you hate Aaron so much?"

Snape visibly tensed at the use of the man's first name, but then let his face settle into a mask of bemusement. "Where to begin? He's as arrogant as myself, with far less reason. His wife is an insufferable nineteen-year-old Hufflepuff twit that I can't believe he's actually bred with considering he clearly has no interest in being a father and, by all accounts, he's a womanizing bastard —"

"Don't forget that little business of him being a Gryffindor," she said, amused at how obvious her husband was when channeling his childhood hurts.

Snape merely grunted in response, before pausing to reconsider. "I know you'll merely think this another example of my being paranoid and uncharitable, but that man is going to cause all of us a problem. I guarantee it."

"Care to bring that uncharitableness to bed?" she asked as she stood and sauntered by him towards the bedroom, weariness and contentment both evident in her step.

He nodded in acquiescence, and she turned with a smile, to get in one more dig at him. "By the way, would this or would this not be the appropriate occasion to ask exactly what Koureha did to set Lockhart off?"

"While I'm sure there's some permutation of that question that isn't objectionable, I can't fathom what it would be at this moment in time, and I'd prefer not to have howler induced nightmares this evening, if my lovely wife has no objections?" he rambled in response.

"No objections," she said sweetly, still amused with herself, as she ducked into the bedroom.


	51. holidays

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Sorry for the delay guys, I've been working on some stuff that's ahead of where we are now.  
  
You'll notice a name change on ff.net - mainly it's because Allosia is NOT A MARY SUE, and I'm sick of this story getting mistaken for one because I was dumb enough to use her name for mine. So, it's back to Reive, which is my identity everywhere else. Were that I were Allosia, but if I resemble anyone in this tale, it's Severus, not her.  
  
Anyway, a few chapters of slice of life humour and relaxation before we deal with more ISSUES. Wanted to capture a little of Snape's friendship with Hooch here. Actual plot advancement in the next chapter.  
  
And now, on with the show......  
  
---------  
  
"You look tired," he said.  
  
She scowled. "That's because I am tired, but I wish you wouldn't say things like that, especially when I've gotten dressed up," she said, clearly weary of having to explain this to Snape, yet again.  
  
"It was an expression of concern," he stated simply.  
  
"Yes, and how many people can tell when you're joking either?"  
  
"I wasn't aware I should be cultivating an audience," he said, amusement creeping into his voice.  
  
"You shouldn't," she said sharply, but with a smile.  
  
He shook his head at her and called to Gabriel to hurry up before they were late to the Yule Ball. Gabriel ran into the sitting room at full force and crashed into Snape's legs. His father just looked down at him quizzically.  
  
"I wanted to see if I could knock you over."  
  
"Gabriel," he said gently, crouching down and placing a hand on the boy's back. "I assure you, neither of us want to find out if you can, alright?"  
  
Gabriel nodded.  
  
"Why did you want to?" Snape asked, suddenly curious. The boy shrugged. Allosia put a hand on his shoulder, a sign to let it drop, and so he stood and the three made their way to the Great Hall.  
  
"It's nice not having to carry him anymore," Allosia said quietly, as the five year old ran into the Hall ahead of them.  
  
"He's going to be a nightmare to keep and eye on in a couple of years, isn't he?" Snape asked.  
  
Allosia nodded.  
  
"I think he should start classes early," Snape said, bringing up the topic that refused to die.  
  
"Severus, he's five. Five is six away from eleven. I don't think we even need to have this discussion right now."  
  
"You're opposed to the idea."  
  
"Probably, yes."  
  
"So, I'm wearing down your resistance," he said with the slightest quirk of his lips, and swept away from her in the direction Gabriel had run off.  
  
"As if I could ever resist you," she muttered, and wandered off to be social.  
  
Snape found Gabriel idling practically in the middle of the Great Hall, which was unusual. On those occasions the boy did get unsure, or clingy, he always went to someone. He was not a creature that stood alone, in the open. It concerned Snape because it was so atypical, and something so new. It also wasn't very wise, but then, that wasn't the type of wisdom any five-year-old, even his, should have to have, especially in what was, essentially, his own home.  
  
Snape approached his son slowly, from behind, and then it occurred to him to look at what the boy was looking at, which was Hana Hooch and Aaron Benedict having a very heated conversation. The boy must have gone to greet Hooch and then stopped when he saw or sensed the argument.  
  
Hooch was furious, that was clear, and trying to keep her voice down, not entirely unsuccessfully. Bennedict was being condescending, something in his body language saying that he felt whatever she had to say was irrelevant. When he grabbed her wrist, Snape strode over to them, knowing that if he didn't intervene Hooch would knock Bennedict out with little remorse, and as amusing as he would have found that it probably wasn't appropriate entertainment for the occasion.  
  
"Is everything alright here?" he drawled, gliding up to them, his son in tow. Hooch looked amused, Bennedict annoyed. When he got no response, Snape continued, "Surely you don't mean to show me up as the least festive being in Hogwarts? Because as little as I enjoy the holidays, I don't intend to spend them listening to Hana explain to me exactly why you deserved everything you got as she cleans your blood off her hands," he said arcing an eyebrow and fixing his gaze on the Charms teacher.  
  
"I don't appreciate you interrupting a private conversation," he said.  
  
"Considering our locale, I would hardly call it a private conversation. If you still feel the need to conduct it, I suggest you do it elsewhere, and at your own risk."  
  
"Severus, thank you, but I can take care of myself," Hooch interjected, laying a hand on his arm.  
  
"Of this, I have no doubt, it rather our new professor that concerns me."  
  
"Oh, hi there, Professor Hemrand," Miriam Benedict said nervously, shifting the fussy baby in her arms.  
  
Allosia could hardly believe that one of her former students was now living at Hogwarts as a faculty spouse. In all honesty, it disturbed her on a number of levels. As much as she could view Hermione as a peer, Miriam was just too young, in both age and tone for Allosia to believe the girl would ever change much.  
  
"Miriam," Allosia said, not particularly feeling like making small talk.  
  
"Are you looking for your husband?" she asked nervously.  
  
"I wasn't particularly," she said, finding the question peculiar.  
  
"Oh," she said, feeling awkward.  
  
"Is it strange for you to be back here for a Yule Ball?" Allosia asked.  
  
Miriam nodded excessively.  
  
Allosia smiled awkwardly in response.  
  
"Oh, well, I guess I should go find Aaron," she said, and walked away nervously.  
  
Allosia shook her head and wandered through the hall.  
  
"Just what in the hell was that about Hana?" Snape asked steering her towards the side of the hall and pitching his voice so Gabriel wouldn't hear.  
  
Hana sighed and shrugged off Snape's grip.  
  
He stopped then and arched an eyebrow at her.  
  
"Severus," she said, sounding both weary and desperate.  
  
"Oh tell me you're not that stupid," he said, and then looked down as Gabriel began to fidget. "Gabriel? Go find your mother, okay? I need to talk to Madam Hooch."  
  
Gabriel nodded, and poked Hooch in the leg as he ran off.  
  
"He's really darling Severus,"  
  
"Thank you. Now, out with it," he said.  
  
"You know me," she said.  
  
"Yes, I do, now just tell me if Benedict was about to get himself slapped because you didn't want to sleep with him or you didn't want to sleep with him again," he said.  
  
She laughed sharply. "Why do you care, Snape?"  
  
"Because he's a bastard and I've been waiting for him to prove it."  
  
Hooch rolled her eyes and shook her head. "And you're still sweet on me," she said with a smirk as she put her hands on her hips.  
  
"I love you the way Lucius Malfoy would love his sister if he had one," he said leaning towards her and purring. Hana Hooch was one of the few people at Hogwarts who both understood and appreciated his somewhat unpleasant sense of humour.  
  
"You're a foul beast, Severus," she said with a laugh pushing him away, "and I haven't the slightest idea how Allosia puts up with you."  
  
"Ah, we both know that's a lie."  
  
"Do you lay awake at night wonder what we discuss about you?" she asked mischeviously.  
  
"I know what you two discuss about me," he said tersely. "I lay awake worrying about just who else you discuss it with."  
  
Hooch thought of a few cruel barbs and decided to refrain. "I didn't sleep with him. I did something even stupider."  
  
"Which was?" Snape asked as the horrifying possibilities spun out in front of him.  
  
"I almost slept with him."  
  
"And now he's all riled up with no where to go?" he asked with icy bemusement  
  
Hooch nodded, trying not to look pleased with herself.  
  
"Do you do these things intentionally Hana, or do you just not think?" he asked.  
  
She narrowed her golden eyes at him.  
  
"Never mind," he said. "Where's the child bride?"  
  
"Somewhere looking lost, I'd suppose."  
  
It was Snape's turn to give a sharp laugh. "They're not going to last out the year here, are they?" he said.  
  
"I was rather hoping not," she replied. 


	52. hiding

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
----------  
  
"You know, you two could have told me you were leaving," Allosia said, walking into the rooms she shared with Snape, a sleepy Gabriel clinging her to her body.  
  
Hooch rose to excuse herself feeling guilty.  
  
"Oh sit back down, Hana. Severus and I can quarrel later, can't we dear?" she said, disappearing into Gabriel's room to put him to bed.  
  
Snape spluttered briefly, wishing Allosia wouldn't make comments like that when he had tea in his mouth.  
  
"Should I go?" Hooch whispered.  
  
"No, it's fine. That's her idea of flirting."  
  
Hooch laughed sharply. Even as Allosia often spoke to her about their relationship, Snape's views on it were quite different. While Allosia saw herself as somewhat subject his whims and moods, he saw himself, admittedly at his own choice, as completely subject to her mere existence, which was why he was such a right bastard to her so often. His affection for her scared the hell out of him.  
  
Hooch found it educational. It made her realize, with some sadness, that he had not, in fact, been in love with her, all those years ago, when she used that particular supposition to push him away. He had loved her, he was grateful to her, but she had misinterpreted it and prematurely ended their rather pleasurable arrangement because of it. The right decision, the easier decision, in the long run, but he had deserved more credit in his understanding of their kind commerce. She couldn't imagine what it would be to be loved the way he loved Allosia, and quite frankly, as impressive as she found it, she wouldn't want to. The woman paid a price and a half for it, and everyone knew it was likely to get harder, not easier, most especially her husband, who felt damn guilty for it. He had told Hooch more than once that he almost wished he had some sort of terminal disease, it was certainly more predictable than his life in the war.  
  
Hooch hadn't known what to say to that for some time, and when she replied with "you lay awake at night picturing every eventuality, don't you," she wasn't sure where it had come from, other than knowledge her body must have gleaned from his insomnia during their affair.  
  
"I have killed everyone I know, myself included of course, a thousand times in my mind. Everyone."  
  
Hana Hooch didn't know how Snape had managed to make his world seem normal, at least to himself, but he did.  
  
"Did we miss anything good?" Hooch asked as Allosia returned and dropped into the vacant loveseat throwing her legs over one of the arms.  
  
"Good? No. Interesting? Not even. Opportunities to rescue me from Miriam? Many. Was she that lost, as a student?"  
  
"You don't recall?" Snape purred, eyebrow cocked.  
  
"She didn't really make an impression."  
  
"I guess things blow up with less frequency in your classes as a rule."  
  
"Won't fly more than fifteen feet off the ground either," Hooch said.  
  
"Afraid of heights?" Allosia asked.  
  
"No, just not sure if it's a good idea, for some inexplicable reason."  
  
Snape made a low hissing sound under his breath. And both Allosia and Hooch looked at him with a nervous bemusement.  
  
"Alright, so what did I miss here?" she said, shifting the topic.  
  
"Actually what you missed there was Aaron Benedict misbehaving himself when he found our dear flying instructor here was not, actually, contrary to previous conclusions, interested in bedding him."  
  
Hooch had the grace to try to hide her face in a hand.  
  
Allosia giggled. "Oooops," she said.  
  
"Quite," Hooch responded.  
  
"So we came up here and figured you'd get fed up shortly and help us figure out why the bastard married the twit."  
  
"Your current conclusions?"  
  
"Good womb, poor mind, the perfect combination," Snape said dryly.  
  
"Good head," Hooch said quietly and authoritatively.  
  
"Excuse me?" Allosia queried, starting to laugh already.  
  
"The girl," Hooch said, with a pause for emphasis, "has to give great head. I can't see any other possible excuse for her."  
  
Allosia laughed in earnest then, and Snape smirked in a way that implied he completely agreed even if he wasn't about to comment on that particular line of discussion.  
  
As he raised his cup of tea to take a he felt the familiar pain course through his arm and absently damned himself for still being inclined towards his left hand as he managed to spill tea all over the carpet.  
  
"Dammit," he hissed, shaking his arm out before reaching for his want to clean up the mess.  
  
Allosia had sat bolt upright then, and Hooch had stiffened. Snape saw them do it, but refused to acknowledge it. He hated the drama of these moments, and was always grateful when they came without an audience. Even in the Great Hall, it was somehow easier than this, having to keep his face in a mask.  
  
"I need to go," he said, his voice caught in his throat, feeling stupid for stating the obvious.  
  
Hooch nodded and looked between the couple. Allosia stood, physically unsure of what to do, even after all this time. Snape walked to the chessboard, sitting on the small corner table, and played the move he had had in mind for days. He always tried to do that, have a move ready, so that in the rush of the moment, and their odd superstition he would not also cost himself the game.  
  
His wife smiled at him, mouth closed, the obviously brave face.  
  
He smirked then, and was out the door. "Don't wait up," he said as he went, a parody of normalcy.  
  
And do the closed door, both Hooch and Allosia whispered, "Be careful." 


	53. an invitation and the thirty-fourth lett...

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

Sorry I was away from this for so long guys, the characters and I needed to recharge badly. Which perhaps regrettably led me to drag Severus off into another story — if you want to read a lot of BDSM smut, check out A Certain Education. It has nothing to do with the particular universe I've created here though, although I'd like to think it's as witty in its own way.

--------------

Hana Hooch did not know what to say. It was an entirely different thing to see Snape excuse himself from the head table due to a summons from Voldemort than to see it at close quarters. In his own home, he did not, or perhaps, could not hide the fact that the call frightened him.

"Sia," she said softly, "would you prefer company or no?"

Allosia shook herself out of her reverie, and shrugged. "I don't mean to be awful, but it's rather gotten to a point where it doesn't matter. I'm not consoled either way," she said, trying to sound reasonable about an unreasonable situation.

"I never had to go through this with him."

"I know."

"I don't imagine he would have let me."

Allosia let out a small chuckle. "He barely lets me," she said.

"What do you tell Gabriel?"

"Probably the wrong things. Or too much and not enough. It's alright, right now, but that's not going to last much longer. Severus doesn't want to lie to him."

"That's stupid," Hooch said, bluntly.

"You can imagine, while I'm not overwhelmed with joy about it, I concur with you. I know he does too. So we've been avoiding the subject."

Hooch sighed. "Do you think things will ever be different?"

"Do you? This isn't the type of war that gets won."

"Everyone says you've changed him, but he's changed you."

"Not really. I went through a lot with this thing before we got together. It was just easier to ignore when it wasn't in my living room all the time."

They sat in silence for a long time, before Hooch excused herself with the thought that at least one of them should take Snape's advice and not wait up.

After she left, Allosia lay back on the couch, telling herself she'd head to bed momentarily several times, before nodding off instead.

Snape scowled as he trudged up the stairs to Hogwarts' main entrance. He was amazed at the capacity Death Eaters had to waste time. To his mind, it spoke to the incompetence of nearly all of the combatants. Magic aside, it was strategy that would win this thing and no one seemed to have one, on either side.

The evening had rattled him, but not for the obvious reasons. Spilling his tea and having had so quiet and domestic an evening interrupted had made him feel somewhat absurdly vulnerable. Having to listen to the casual brutality of the Death Eaters' conversations had frayed his nerves further. While it was an easier and less bloody evening than he normally had to endure, Snape hated small talk, especially when it involved people he despised discussing views he had come to abhor. Of course, Lucius dropping another casual bombshell into his life didn't help.

"We're having another party soon. Do bring your wife. Narcissa has even promised to put in an appearance for a change."

"I can't imagine Allosia would be particularly excited to see you, Lucius. No offense, of course."

"Of course," he had said with a smile. "Consider it a peace offering," he added, lightly.

Snape looked at him sideways.

"I'm not up to anything, Severus. Other than trying to help you out a bit. I think your marriage would do so much better if you just allowed Allosia to participate in your life a bit more."

"While you and Narcissa are exemplars of many things, I would not say a happy marriage is one of them."

"That's because Narcissa and I had the good sense not to marry for so tawdry and fragile a purpose as romance."

"My wife is not a Slytherin."

"That much is clear. What isn't, is whether you still are. You will bring her, won't you?"

"How could I refuse your generosity?" Snape said with a sneer.

He worried about Allosia's reaction. He knew there were two possibilities, neither of them good. The first, was that she would want absolutely nothing to do with the event and become so panicky she would have to be half drowned in calming potions just to get her in the door. The second, which put them both at slightly less risk, was far more distasteful. She might like the idea, eager as she was to do more than merely sit by him in the aftermath of so many truly awful adventures. He did not want her to see these things though. Not because of any illusions of her having a delicate constitution, but because as she had pointed out so many times about so many of his transgressions, it was one thing to be aware of something and another to know absolutely. He didn't think this would be good, for her, or them, presuming of course, they could even be assured of their physical safety.

Despite an urge to write, to logic out these fears to the silent audience he had made of her on parchment, Snape was eager to see her, to let her know he was alright. The small indignities of the evening, coupled with Lucius' invitation, made him desperate for the warmth of her flesh. Why was it always so damn cold at 5am, he wondered.

Snape knelt down on the floor, next to the loveseat Allosia had fallen asleep on. He touched his forehead to hers, and found himself being thankful she was such a solid sleeper. He allowed himself too few moments like this.

She wrinkled her nose as his breath hit her face, before slitting her eyes and pulling her head back a bit.

"I thought you were cat," she slurred, sleepily.

"I'd be a damn sorry cat, Allosia."

"Mmmmm. Y'okay?" 

"Yes. Do you want to come to bed?"

She made another muffled noise and tried to burrow into the loveseat.

"I will throw you over my shoulder if need be."

"No upside down," she said, still ridiculously groggy.

"Then I suggest you get up," he said, standing.

She sat up and rubbed her face, before allowing him to lead her to their bedroom. She promptly crawled into bed, still fully dressed. Snape decided he was better off battling with his own clothes than hers, and readied himself for sleep he knew would not come. 

Settling himself under the covers, he summoned the lap desk to him as Allosia curled against him muttering. He began to write.

__

Sia --

Clearly, I tempt at least one of us or fate with the increasing casualness of these epistles. Surely, I would not be so careless with the secrecy that has become both my art and my habit if I did not have some intent for you to know these words, despite my best denials and my so cherished belief that you already do. 

That I do not just surrender them to you outright is a testament to an uncertainty I cannot shake. It is not that I doubt my eloquence or even your so oft misguided tolerance of my self and my life as it is conducted outside of your reach. Rather, I doubt my strength in the face of any reaction you may have. Knowing you as I do, I am too often caught in the echo and eddy of your heart and pinned by eyes that have never learned to hide their hurts. I admire this about you, even as it is something I can never aspire to. You are to me a kingdom and a grief that I have neither the skill to protect nor the sense to let go. 

I have received tonight the threat of a most terrible invitation. Your reaction to which I can calculate, but not fathom. Because I know you believe, because believe it you must, that I am always searching for another way, I will not remind you of that fact. Instead, I wish merely to remind you that my hands will always be at your back and at your breastbone. And I pray that you will always allow me the indulgence of doing for you what I cannot do for myself, which is a holding together.

It is only with you and with Gabriel that my posture is a pride and not merely an exercise in the containment of emotions too dangerous for me to lose and too precarious for me to share. 

A quiet believer in the art of confessional, 

Severus.

As he began to fold the letter and consider a temporary hiding place for it, Allosia stirred. 

"Who are you writing to?" she asked.

"You," he whispered, before he could stop himself.

"Mmmmm, why?"

"It's something I do," knowing he could often deflect her inquiries by pleading strangeness.

"Read it to me?"

"It's best we talk about it in the morning."

"It is morning," she said, her voice still thick with sleep.

And so he read it to her, in a slow sonorous voice.

When he was finished, she muttered, "Considering you are not so good at it, you should try to hide less from me."

He smiled then. As she rolled over, and he put the desk aside to curl around her.

"What's the invitation?" she asked.

"We'll talk about it later, go back to sleep."

The small noises she made in response indicated she already had. With any luck, Snape thought, she wouldn't even remember the letter.


	54. preparations

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

BTW, I want to particularly thank everyone who reviewed 53. Not only did it help when I needed a confidence boost, but you guys really get it. I really try to focus my writing on one of the principles of Japanese literature, which is "the beauty of sadness".

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__

Of course I remembered the letter although it took me a few days to be sure it was real, and not a dream. It was so unlike him, on the surface, but that he would keep the words of his affections and fears secret from me, should not have been a surprise. It was not Severus' temper that should have frightened people, but his depths. 

I didn't mention the letter to him, as much as I wanted to, as much as I wanted to ask questions. The way he watched me out of the corner of his half-lidded eyes at breakfasts was enough to tell me this was not a secret he hoped I did not remember.

"I think you'll find Narcissa very interesting," Snape said as he proceeded to rearrange the food on his plate yet again. 

"And why is that?" Allosia asked calmly, still trying to get over her disbelief that at any moment they would be receiving an invitation virtually requiring their presence at the Malfoy Mansion.

"Because she is what you would be, had you been an unromantic Slytherin with a terrifying degree of self-control."

"I'm sorry, I can't say I find that appealing."

"Neither can I. Well, anymore."

"Anymore?"

"We had a brief dalliance before Lucius married her. It was purely spite, I assure you," he said in an offhand way.

"On whose part?"

"Everyone's."

"Are there any women in your past you haven't slept with?" she asked, squinting her eyes.

"Minerva, Ceres, Poppy" he said with a small choke of a laugh that earned him a shrill giggle from Hooch.

Allosia shook her head and reached for her glass.

__

The invitation to the Malfoys' party came, although not until the new year. I suppose I took it as well as I could be expected to although I doubt there was any reaction on my part that could have made my husband feel at ease. I loved him and I was eager to share his life even, or perhaps precisely, the very worst of it.

"He waited for an audience, didn't he?" Allosia said, picking the envelope up as if it were a filthy thing, before letting out a low whistling breath.

Snape nodded. "I'm positively certain of it. What are you hissing about?"

"Lucius' conviction that I have no name."

Snape rolled his eyes at her. "Society convention, and one you should be grateful of. That whole family needs as many reminders as possible that you are, as far as they are concerned, my property."

"Charming," she said, scraping her fork across her plate.

"Are you so very angry with me?"

"Not with you, not angry at all, just discomforted. I don't want to go. I think one of us will wind up miserable if I do."

"Why?" he asked softly, not really wanting to discuss this so publicly.

"Because that's what happens," she said, sullenly. "And I don't want to see Draco."

"Draco? He's been positively kind to both of us in the scheme of things."

"You know how you get whenever you have to have anything to do with Lucius?"

"Yes?"

"That's how I feel around his son. It's not entirely logical, but I assure you, it's entirely real."

"This goes back to Florence."

She looked at him and nodded, biting back her commentary, afraid anything she said would sound like she was trying to pick a fight with him.

"I understand, but our attendance is still mandatory."

"I know. Believe me, I know. How is it sitting with you?"

"Poorly. You shouldn't have to see these things."

"I was an auror."

He leaned over to her then and whispered in her ear, "You shouldn't have to see these things of your husband."

She regretted not being able to suppress her involuntary shudder. She knew he was right. Everything the Malfoys did was, at its heart, some sort of sick demonstration.

__

Faced with a challenging and unpleasant situation, we did what you would expect; we prepared. A task, which amusingly enough included shopping. I needed robes appropriate to that segment of society, appropriate to a wife without a name and finally, appropriate to running in. Just in case and all that.

"No, you definitely can't wear that," Snape said for at least the fourth time.

Allosia, for her part was starting to get seriously annoyed. "Why are we shopping for this wretched occasion again?"

"Because I'm being graded on my performance," he said dryly, before softening his mouth just a bit. "Besides, I'm trying to be nice."

Allosia laughed. "If you don't behave I'll tell your students."

"Who won't believe you," he noted before indicating yet another set of robes she should try on.

Eventually they settled on a fairly fitted robe of dark mercuric silver and a short over cloak. The main feature of the robe, other than its cost and suggestive tailoring was eight buttons around its knees. With a simple gesture Allosia would be able to sweep it up and fasten it away from her step. Good for flying and good for running. In spite of herself, Allosia smiled; they were lovely robes.

"Now," he said, putting an arm around Allosia's waist and settling her against him in the dark. "Most of this event will seem perfectly civilized. Whatever you do, don't head down stairs, or anywhere, without me. If you see me going somewhere and I haven't specifically asked you to escort me, please don't follow. I'm really hoping we can just go, pay our respects, have some painfully civilized conversation and then get the hell out. Mind you, I don't think it's likely."

She nodded and twisted her head to look at him.

"I don't think we'll be in danger. Although I suspect our souls may well be."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning Lucius is going to put on a show just for us and we're going to have to enjoy it." A tight, unpleasant smile graced his lips.

Allosia made a sound of uncomfortable and sorrowful understanding.

"We are not ourselves there," he said in a low voice, resting his chin on the back of her neck. "That place is not our marriage, not our life. If anything," he paused, "untoward —"

Allosia cut him off, it was too much, although she was taken aback by how sad her voice sounded. "We'll sort it out later. I understand. Work."

He kissed the back of her head then. _Yes, always work_. He smiled more genuinely then as she shifted against him and he ran his hands along the front of her body. She gave a little gasp and he chuckled.

"What?" she asked.

He frowned for a second, hating that question. "It's just that you're the most bizarre and shocking thing in my life," he whispered in her ear.

She chuckled, squirmed again, encouraging his hands and his desire.

"So much for resting before battle," he said, dryly.

"It's not like you ever sleep anyway," she said, turning to face him.

"Are you planning to brutalize me with the rigors of your logic yet again, Miss Hemrand?"

She reached out and gripped his cock, hard.

"I'll take that as a yes," he managed to choke out, before she kissed him quiet, and he tangled his fingers in her hair.


	55. the party, pt. 1

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Malfoy party, pt. 1 – you know what that means – things are probably going to get weird and ugly ahead.  
  
--------  
  
  
  
Hana Hooch smiled as Snape crouched down to say goodbye to his son.  
  
"But why can't I go with you?" the boy asked.  
  
"It's a grownup party, Gabriel."  
  
"But you take me to lots of grownup things," the child whined.  
  
Snape clenched his jaw in an effort not to react to the child's tone. "Those grownups are our friends and family. We don't like these people."  
  
"Then why are you going?"  
  
"Because we have to."  
  
"You should take me."  
  
"Gabriel, we've been through this."  
  
Gabriel crossed his arms and huffed. Hooch giggled.  
  
"Severus," she said, laughing "he's exactly like you."  
  
He looked up at her and raised an eyebrow before turning back to the boy. "You're going to do everything Madam Hooch says, right?"  
  
The boy nodded.  
  
"You know, I don't mind if he calls me Hana," she said, raising the issue yet again.  
  
Snape shot her a look.  
  
"Or Aunt Hana if you're still insisting on this titles for adults nonsense."  
  
"I am. And you are not, thank the gods, my or Allosia's sister."  
  
Hooch put her hands on her hips and sighed, knowing there was no point in arguing.  
  
"Madam Hooch is being cranky, but I'm sure you two will still have a lovely time."  
  
Gabriel smiled as slyly as a six-year-old can. "Just like you and Mum," he said.  
  
"And you," Snape added with a smile, poking him in the chest. "Now behave, and we'll see you in the morning." He stood then, and ruffled the boy's hair.  
  
As he was almost out the door of Hooch's rooms, she caught his arm.  
  
"Be careful, will you?" she said softly.  
  
"Always," he replied sternly, with a glance back to Gabriel, who was watching them more closely than Snape would have liked.  
  
  
  
Snape and Allosia sat across from each other in the carriage silently. Eventually, he leaned forward and took one of her hands between his own.  
  
"You okay?" he asked, softly.  
  
She nodded, tried to smile. "It will be easier once we're actually there."  
  
He nodded at her. "You're probably right," he said, and then stood and quickly settled himself beside her. She smiled as he put an arm around her shoulders.  
  
  
  
"Alright Gabriel, what do you want to do?" Hooch asked, looking down at the boy, who was being uncharacteristically quiet.  
  
She noticed he kept eyeing her broom she had propped up in the corner.  
  
"Have your parents taken you flying yet?" she asked.  
  
"Once."  
  
"How'd you like it?"  
  
"Brilliant!" he exclaimed, with an animated gesture.  
  
"Who took you up?"  
  
"Mum."  
  
"And your father?"  
  
"Was cranky."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He worries."  
  
"You know why, right?"  
  
"Because lots of bad stuff has happened to him."  
  
Hooch tried not to flinch. "Who told you that?"  
  
"I listen to them when they think I'm asleep."  
  
She put a hand to her mouth. It was typical behavior for a smart child, of course, but considering his father's occupation, it was both an eerie and dangerous revelation. She crouched down then and put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder. "Your father worries about you because he loves you."  
  
"I know," Gabriel said, as if it were too obvious to even bother discussing.  
  
"So did you want to go flying tonight?"  
  
Gabriel nodded excitedly.  
  
"Alright, we'll do just a little, okay?" she said, even as she wondered if Snape would kill her for this.  
  
  
  
"It is so lovely to finally meet you," Narcissa Malfoy said gripping Allosia's hand in an absent sort of way. "Lucius and I were really so disappointed not to be invited to the wedding."  
  
Allosia started to murmur something about it being a small affair, but Snape chimed in over her. "It was seven years ago, Narcissa, I'd think you could find something else to be a harpy about by now."  
  
"Don't be so touchy, Severus," she said, patting his cheek.  
  
"I could say the same to you," he said with a glare, as he took two glasses of ice wine from a passing tray and handed one to Allosia.  
  
She looked at him in some vague surprise that he would drink at such an occasion. Sensing the thought he dipped his head to whisper in her ear. "No one could possibly be expected to deal with such creatures sober."  
  
She smiled at him, and Narcissa grabbed her hand. "Come dear, we have so much to discuss. I want to hear all about your boy. I'm sure Lucius and your husband have things to chat about as well."  
  
Narcissa tossed a pointed glance Snape's way, and with that, he nodded to Allosia and whispered, "Go on," as she was led to a couch surrounded by witches and wizards milling about in evening dress.  
  
  
  
Snape felt a hand fall lightly onto his shoulder and then trail down his back. Turning around swiftly, he smiled tightly at Lucius. "Must you?" he asked.  
  
"Must I what?" the blonde man replied coyly.  
  
"Continue to play at seducing me."  
  
"Now, now Sev, life's been good to you these last years, but must you get a big head?"  
  
Snape just rolled his eyes. "Narcissa said you wanted to see me?"  
  
"Well, I do always find you amusing."  
  
"What, Draco won't cast Cruciatus on you?"  
  
"Touchy touchy. Now do you want to come downstairs and have a look around before we introduce Allosia to something more interesting than my wife?"  
  
Snape looked at him sideways.  
  
"Oh, don't worry. She's not the one getting hurt tonight. Neither are you. I hope that doesn't disappoint."  
  
"I wouldn't know yet," Snape ground out.  
  
  
  
Hana Hooch levitated Gabriel up to join her on the broom, and after admonishing him to hold on tightly, muttered a sticking spell that would make sure he didn't slip. With that, she rose a few feet in the air and began to fly in low circles, as Gabriel cheered for greater height and speed.  
  
  
  
Allosia was bored out of her mind. Narcissa was not, despite her husband's protestations to the contrary, interesting. Although she supposed that if she had been privy to the inner workings of the woman's mind it might have held the fascination of a muggle car crash or an ugly hat. Narcissa, however, was giving away no such entertainment, prattling on instead about the political advantages and disadvantages of the women she had deemed worthy for her son to form a marital alliance with. Allosia was dimly aware that Narcissa was only discussing these topics because they were meaningless to a witch who had not been raised in the same echelons of the wizarding world as the Malfoy clan.  
  
And so she continued to smile and nod, as she was obliquely reminded that even as a pure blood, she could never be part of the world that the Malfoys inhabited, and to their mind, couldn't even be truly part of the world her husband inhabited. She would have been happier had these not been the least of her problems.  
  
  
  
"You're really too extravagant," Snape said as he gestured in an offhand way and continued to pace the Malfoy dungeon.  
  
"Don't worry, they'll keep," Lucius responded, far too amused at his own joke, as he looked over the still unconscious forms of the evening's more exclusive entertainment.  
  
"Did you hear, by that way, what Avery's latest amusement is?"  
  
"I'm sorry, the sexual gossip of people I'd as soon hex as say hello to is scarcely a hobby of mine."  
  
"He uses a freezing spell and rubs dirt on them as he's having his way with them."  
  
"And? Wouldn't actual necrophilia be easier?"  
  
"No. Here's the brilliant part, Sev. He uses enervate, and half the time, when they wake up, they ask him if they're dead. At which point he tells them yes, since they will be soon anyway, and when they ask who he is, he always ponders for a moment before choosing god or the devil!" Lucius has barely been able to contain his laughter during his explanation.  
  
"Your depravity is generally in better taste, Lucius."  
  
  
  
"Mother, your monopolizing the dear professor," Draco whined melodramatically as he sat too close to her on the couch.  
  
Realizing that she couldn't scoot away from Draco without winding up in Narcissa's lap, Allosia stood up quickly, eliciting a chuckle from Draco, who also stood.  
  
"Problem?" he asked her quietly.  
  
She was flustered for a second but regained herself, when she remembered what Snape had said, both about their shopping expedition and the addressing on the invitation. "My husband does not like other men touching me," she said primly, and obviously pleased with herself.  
  
"But how does he feel about you touching other men?" Draco asked smoothly, as he conspicuously rubbed his hand across his throat.  
  
"Surely, everyone in your household understands business as well as we do in mine," she said curtly.  
  
"Better, from what I've seen," he said softly.  
  
"And we both know you haven't seen nearly as much as you'd like to," Allosia said, leaning in towards his face.  
  
"Is that an offer?" Draco was amused.  
  
"No. It's not worth my time to make one to a liar as skilled as yourself."  
  
"Let me know when you change your mind. You might, shortly," he purred to her, leaning even closer.  
  
Allosia narrowed her eyes at him.  
  
"Your husband is downstairs, in case you still care," he said, before walking away abruptly.  
  
Allosia debated countermanding Snape's instructions, only briefly before locating and using the stairs down to the dungeon. 


	56. the party, pt. 2

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
This is short, next one will be long and culminate all the stuff that's been building up over the last two chapters.  
  
For people reading aCE and wondering about that, I should be sending my next chapter to the beta tomorrow, so soon.  
  
------------  
  
Snape noticed Lucius was no longer studying his features as they spoke, but was instead looking over his shoulder. Just as he was about to inquire as to the nature of the distraction, Lucius let out a low, pleased chuckle.  
  
"I think our visitor is looking for you," Lucius murmured.  
  
Snape turned his head and shoulders with dread to see Allosia peering at them from the bottom of the staircase. Inwardly, he sighed, but refrained from indulging in the actual gesture, not wanting Lucius to see the inevitable slump of his shoulders at the end of it. Instead, he strode past the other man, intentionally brushing him out of the way with the theatricality of his walk, until he faced his wife. Despite their absurd proximity, Snape made no efforts to keep what he had to say merely between them, and hoped absently, that she would understand this show was not merely for her benefit.  
  
When he placed his hands on her shoulders, she thought for a moment that he was going to kiss her. Instead, he lectured her as if she were one of his students.  
  
"Did I not tell you, you were not to come down here without me? You will go back upstairs right now, you will have a drink, you will relax, you will be pleasant. If I have want of your companionship down here, I will retrieve you myself."  
  
She looked at him, searching his face for an indication of how angry he actually was, but there was none. She tried to come up with a response, a justification or an apology, but he cut her off after just a few incoherent syllables.  
  
"Now, Allosia."  
  
She turned, and stormed up the stairs without a word.  
  
"If you don't mind me saying so," Lucius began, clearly enjoying himself, "she has far too long a leash."  
  
"Better sport, not that you'd understand anything about that," Snape snapped, before heading up the stairs after his wife, who he found to have already disappeared into the crowd.  
  
  
  
Banking left, Hooch held onto Gabriel a little tighter, as she inquired as to what was inspiring him to eavesdrop on his parents.  
  
Gabriel shrugged, but Hooch would not let the topic drop. He would soon be running around the castle on his own, younger sibling to the whole school. The wrong thing out of his mouth at the wrong time, could have grave consequences. Of course, if the boy had heard enough, he might already understand that, as much as any child his age could.  
  
"He's always sick, I wanted to know why," Gabriel eventually murmured, his body language changing in a way that made him actually seem as slight and as young as he was.  
  
"And what did you find out?" Hooch asked, trying to sound unconcerned.  
  
"People hurt him because it's his job," he said quizzically. "I don't really know why, but it seems awfully important."  
  
Hooch nodded to herself, lost in thought. Confirm or deny?  
  
  
  
By the time she got to the stop of the stairs, it occurred to Allosia that she should stop stamping her feet, be graceful and disappear into the mass of strangers as quickly as possible. She forced herself to accept another drink from a passing house elf, hoping that by the time she finished it she would be calm enough not to just leave the event without her husband.  
  
Merlin's beard, how dare he. He knew she was upset about being there and nothing untoward seemed to be going on downstairs yet. Was civility really that difficult? And was it really her fault that nearly everyone he'd ever known seemed to be completely dreadful? Ugh, she was positively disgusted.  
  
Absently, she realized Lucius Malfoy was probably amused beyond words.  
  
"Lost?" came a voice slightly behind her and to her side.  
  
"Hardly. Although if you could point the way to your terrace, I would be most appreciative, Mr. Malfoy. I need some air," she said, refusing to turn and look at her former student. She repressed a shudder when he placed a hand on the small of her back to steer her through the crowd.  
  
"I'll show you," he said. "This house gets complicated."  
  
  
  
"Your father," Hooch said slowly, "is a very important and very private man. He doesn't like too many people to know too much about him. It's easier for him to work that way."  
  
"Do you know everything about him?" he asked.  
  
"I don't think so, Gabriel."  
  
"Does my mum?"  
  
"I'd like to think so," Hooch said, but knew maybe that wasn't the truth. Allosia alluded to some of the necessities of her husband's life as a spy, and once or twice, he had even told her about them directly.  
  
If he had been facing her, Hooch would have seen Gabriel frown in thought.  
  
  
  
Snape surveyed the room, looking, somewhat foolishly for a flash of silver and pale skin in a sea of it. He wanted to catch her, to apologize, to say something that would at least be enough to let their mutual fury wait for a more convenient time to exercise itself, especially with the true festivities, he hated to use that word, beginning with in the hour.  
  
And that's when he saw her, Draco's hand at her back, the other placing a glass of wine into her hand, as they strolled out onto the terrace. Allosia was laughing softly. Snape realized how strange and disconcerting he found it to watch her at a distance like this. It hadn't occurred to him that she would seem as radiant in the presence of others, especially when he had just screamed at her. That she was beautiful in this moment was not reassuring to him.  
  
"Jealous?" Came Lucius' voice at his back.  
  
"Of every moment I am denied the pleasure of her company, yes," Snape replied quiet and flat, without turning to look at the other man. 


	57. the party, pt. 3

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just live in it.

Sorry it's been so long everyone — I've had an awful cold. More on aCE soon too.

This, btw, is not as graphic as the party scenes in Ghosts, BUT, it might be vaguely upsetting in a different vein.

Thanks to all as ever, but especially Serpentfeuer, for seeing Severus' life as his own, Tsarina, for having him over for pie (he reports being quite fond of lemon, btw, as long as it's not too sweet), and Kat for being perfectly okay with the fact that I'm completely damn bonkers.

And now, back to the Malfoy Estate —

-------

"You know," Allosia said, laughing, "one of these days you're going to have to tell me what you're up to."

Draco let out a low chuckle, making him for a change, seem like the adult he now was. "Is it that hard to figure out?"

"Yes. If you merely wanted me, you'd play this differently."

"Maybe I want your husband."

Allosia let out a bark of laughter in response. "Unlikely. You're not that much like your father."

"You're right, of course."

"Of course."

"I didn't know you were so possessive," Lucius drawled.

"I try to keep it under control. I had thought our little Cruciatus experience had made it clear to you just how supreme an effort that is."

"No. Not precisely. It was an excellent display of your perversions however."

Snape remembered his boot on Lucius' throat, and couldn't help but chuckle. There wasn't only no denying it; there was no point in it.

"You're lucky Allosia enjoys that."

"Why, would you like a show?" he spat, before it occurred to him that was one of the worst ideas he had put in the older Malfoy's head in quite a while.

"Well, the opening act has been oh so amusing," he said calmly, turning his palms up to the ceiling, the fallen angel, unable to help himself, "and there is so much useful beauty downstairs."

Snape snorted. Lucius played with words endlessly, often without purpose; it was one of the few things they had in common, other than their endless, and he hated to admit it, but almost comfortable, animosity.

"When can I learn to fly?" Gabriel asked.

"Even my students who learn before they come to Hogwarts generally wait until nine or ten."

"I don't want to wait."

"I didn't figure you would," Hooch muttered. _Willful child._

"Will you tell my parents I should learn now?"

"You're awfully young, Gabriel, I don't know if we could find a broomstick to suit you."

"They're both good flyers, I can figure it out."

"It takes a lot of magic and physical ability Gabriel. You really are awfully young."

"Father wants me to start classes early."

"Really? Well, that figures. When?"

"As soon as possible, I think. Mum doesn't want it though."

"She wants you to have time to be a kid."

"But I already live at the school, it's silly not to have class."

"All your schoolmates would be so much older."

"Well, I'll wait a few years," Gabriel proclaimed, as if it were obvious.

Hana Hooch made a mental note to ask if Snape had been so calmly precocious a child. "You have everything all figured out, don't you?"

"No. Trying to. Go faster."

Hooch sighed, and accelerated.

Snape glided up behind his wife silently, but to her credit, Allosia only flinched slightly when his hand unexpectedly brushed the small of her back.

"We'll be going downstairs soon," he said in low tones to her as he inserted himself between her and Draco and took her latest glass of wine from her. "Are you very drunk?" he mumbled in her ear, as Draco fidgeted silently besides them.

"As instructed," she said tightly.

"No," he said, condescension creeping into his voice. "I told you to relax and mingle."

"And so I did."

"So I see," he said, casting a glance at Draco. His voice was low, warning, not amused, and to Allosia, vaguely arousing. It occurred to her that all of this was going to get very, very bad, very, very shortly. "What does Draco want with you?" he continued, still breathing into her ear as his fingers tightened on her waist.

"I'm not sure he knows. I am sure I don't know though."

Snape sighed, fingers loosening slightly. He really just wanted to go home.

Lucius Malfoy was babbling inanely as he led his selected guests down the stairs to his notorious dungeons.

"Gods, he always sounds like a tour guide when he does that," Draco muttered under his breath, his tone tinged with no small amount of disgust.

Allosia giggled too shrilly at that, and Snape shushed her gently, while digging his fingers harder into her arm.

When they reached the bottom of the steps, she found herself backed up into a wall, her husband looming over her.

"What?" she asked, trying to keep the nervousness down out of her voice.

"I'm not pleased with you right now."

"I noticed."

"And I'm trying very hard not to lose my temper."

"For now."

"Precisely."

She leaned up from the wall then, to get past him, presuming they were going to rejoin the others.

"No," he said simply, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"Shouldn't we —"

He cut off her question with a brutal kiss.

"I don't understand," she said, when he finally came up for air.

"This is safer, this is expected. I may be angry, but I don't want you to see, _that_," he spat out and gestured with his head to the rest of the room, where nothing much was yet happening other than people milling about and fawning over Lucius.

"Alright then," she said and leaned back against the wall looking at him expectantly, challenging him.

He shook his head slightly. He had never seen her truly back down from him and doubted he ever would. 

His hands went to either side of her head on the wall she leaned on then, as he let his hips settle against hers. She made a little noise of pleasure and he smirked. "All that wine makes you easy, my wife," he said and she returned the facial expression cruelly.

A voice in the back of his mind told him to remember that they were both in over their heads by mere virtue of her being here. He ignored it and dipped his head to kiss her then, smiling into her mouth as she relaxed into it. He kept his own eyes open, flicking constantly at the periphery of his vision to see just what might be headed their way.

Predictably, it took the form of Lucius Malfoy and a girl clearly under Imperious, although with that facial expression, she might merely have been stupider than usual.

"A gift for you," Lucius said smugly, depositing the girl on her knees as Snape turned to him.

"Are you trying to start trouble, Lucius?"

"First, I'm not trying. Second, it seems like it already started quite some time ago. You really should just learn how to say thank you, Severus. It would make your life so much easier."

Snape set his jaw, and then turned to Allosia with a stricken look on his face when she leaned up from the wall, put a hand on Lucius' arm, and thanked him in perhaps the most ingratiating tones he had ever heard from her.

Lucius smiled and backed away, looking pleased with himself.

"What in the hell are you thinking?" Snape hissed at his wife as he nudged the spaced out girl with the toe of his shoe.

"A lack of proper gratitude has always caused problems for you with Lucius. So I expressed some proper gratitude."

"We're expected to _do_ something with her now, I hope you understand. Lucius doesn't like his play things to go to waste in so, non-active a fashion."

"So we'll do something with her."

Snape just gaped at her.

"Kiss me," she said, tilting her head back up against the wall, exposing her neck to him.

He bent to her with an obvious lack of enthusiasm, but that didn't stop her from running her hands lightly up and down his back or murmuring to him to relax. So strange, he thought, that even when he was furious with her and half-frightened, she was so easy for him to respond to.

It took him a moment to understand what was going on, when he felt a pressure against his thigh. Lucius' gift, rubbing herself against him as if she were a cat, but with a far clearer intent. He willed himself to ignore her, until Allosia's hands found their way to the fastening of his robes and then pants. 

"Don't," he said hoarsely.

"Shut up, we have to make use of her."

"Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Please, Allosia."

"What?" His tone was starting to scare her.

"This is a bad idea."

"Do you have another one?"

"No," he said, breathless then, as her hands brushed against him.

"It's alright."

"I no, it's not please," he shut his eyes tightly for a moment, before continuing. "I don't find sexual pleasure in the touch of strangers, and I don't want you to see the type of pleasure I do find."

"I know you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do Severus, despite your best efforts. Now give yourself up to me, and her, before we have to be involved in something worse. Is my logic wrong?"

"No," he said defeated, as the strange and bored mouth fastened on him. He stared into Allosia's eyes and gripped her hands tighter and tighter, in an effort not to run, in an effort to prevent his hands from finding the girl's hair, or throat.

When his breathing became hoarse, Allosia smiled. When he shut his eyes in response, she sensed the depth of the mistake she had made. He came, and literally kicked the girl away from him.

"You should not have done that," he ground out, resting against her.

Faster and higher were perhaps the only two suggestions that Hana Hooch could always take to heart, even when uttered by a six-year-old boy. What she didn't anticipate was that her broom would also take them to heart, even when uttered by a six-year-old boy. And so, the broom went both faster and higher than she anticipated. When she turned sharply to avoid hitting the castle walls themselves, she tumbled off. Thinking quickly and drawing her wand, she was able to soften her descent, but the boy remained aloft, fixed to a broom he couldn't command, that was diving, to find its mistress.

Ten feet from the ground, Hana Hooch's broom evicted its passenger.


	58. aftermath and the thirty-fifth letter

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

--------

Severus Snape stared out the window of the carriage. His wife sat across from him, looking at her hands. Neither spoke.

After their interlude with the girl, Lucius had swept in again and tried to convince Snape to torture her. Snape had begged off, claiming he'd rather see her used and humiliated by the rest of the guests. Allosia thought it a deft sidestepping of the issue before the possibility of his sincerity occurred to her. 

That she wasn't even sure how she felt about it made it all the more uncomfortable. After all, what Snape had shown her this evening wasn't the petty cruelty of the Death Eaters or the ridiculous machinations of a certain segment of wizarding society. He had shown her that as a spy it was possible to justify absolutely any behavior, to anyone, on either side. He was, she understood, necessarily his own compass, and it was an occupation that would have challenged anyone. For her husband though, it was clearly a particularly peculiar maze. The girl was probably dead by now. It might have been kinder to kill her, but there were some things the potions master would not do in his wife's presence, even if she had proven she was not as unlike the rest of the world as he had so long needed to believe.

She shuddered, and Snape raised and eyebrow at her without further commentary. As anyone who had ever worked or studied with him could tell, spending two hours with Severus Snape in non-companionable silence was anything but a pleasant experience.

__

That night and the period of time it ushered in was not only one of the worst in our lives together, but one of the worst in my life at all.

We arrived at Hogwarts to find Albus waiting for us on the front steps. Gabriel had been hurt, and while he assured us it was not serious, there is no such concept when the child is your own and when the accident is freakish and owes entirely to a trusted friend's carelessness. For all that my public passion was always for my husband — I was not a doting mother nor a woman who took naturally to the unavoidable confines of the task — my son of course was and is the center of my universe in a way nothing else could ever be. Severus just often needed more, and I suppose that made me a poor mother, but it was hard to love him as I did and not to want to try to make up for any of his past that I could.

Gabriel was, as Albus had assured us, alright, but even so we sat there on opposite sides of his bed, watching him sleep until well into the night, and Albus watched us, watched as Severus threatened to kill Hana, and as he shrugged off my touch.

He wanted to bring Gabriel home right then, but Albus said he would make Poppy forbid such a thing if need be, since we so clearly had things to settle first. It was of course, an invitation to confession as things so often were with Albus, but I was too ashamed to speak and the words necessary were not ones Severus was much comfortable speaking in private, let alone in public to a man that was nearly his father.

It was, for some people, easy to forget just how powerful a wizard Severus was. He was smart, he mixed potions, something that often seemed, and even often is, a quiet science. His heart though was as unquiet as his mind, and, as such, even with all his training wandless magic was not any more uncommon an occurrence then than it was when we were children. As an adult, it was just better controlled, which did not, by any means, make it safer. For many reasons, a lesser woman could not have slept as soundly at his side as I did, all those years. Not of course that it was always wise, or easy.

It was nearly dawn before we returned to our apartments, to sleep or argue, we were unsure. Both would have been useful. I finally found my voice, but Severus merely held up a hand. We climbed into bed to sleep, and when I brushed a hand lightly across his back, damp fro his habitual scalding shower, he froze, and told me not to touch him. The only other words he uttered all evening were to tell me he was going to speak to Hana. It was five in the morning, and I perhaps should have stopped him, but in the moment, I was merely relieved to see him go. I was frightened and needed to be alone to panic.

Severus Snape entered his office the door slamming both as it opened and shut. It was far too early to wake Hana, and as much as he wanted to hex her clear to mainland Europe, he had this terrible sense that he had to find some way to solve this with her if he didn't want to be terribly alone.

He broke two quills merely trying to begin one of his habitual letters to wife. It was as if he could not remember how to write, could not remember that they weren't knives, could not remember suddenly love without loss.

__

My so ordinary wife —

You do not think. You are a Ravenclaw, and yet you do not think. I wonder why, but of course I know better than most that curiosity is something to be paid for, although I should not have to pay for yours. I have not been this exhausted in a very long time.

I feel raw, as if I had scoured my insides, instead of my misused flesh just now. I find suddenly that I cannot keep my thoughts in order, that I do not know what to tell you, now that our roles have been reversed, now that we suddenly both know the obvious we have kept hidden for so long. You are as cruel and as banal as every other creature I have ever known. You are ordinary. And mortal. And I am corrupt, not elevated by you, but merely exposed for who I am, not a philanderer or a murderer or even some kind of tragic hero, but just a greedy man who takes perhaps too much pleasure in his violence. I am so ashamed and I have you, and this moment of terrible generosity, to thank for it.

If I could only hate you, I would flee this instant, go back to one of my many prior lives and live alone. There would be so much less fear that way. The boy, I cannot even think about it. Sometimes it too easy to believe in the gods, the cost equations seem so clear.

What are we to do? And why am I so weak before you? I do not want you to love me for the monster, and clearly, you always have.

On nights like this, running is the only option, and since I have returned here this evening, it is clear I cannot run from you. And since I am writing to prevent myself from plotting murder on Gabriel's behalf, it is clear I cannot run from him. Which of course leaves a single option, that my so ugly and so falsely redemptive profession must end and I wonder if you will be happy or if you shall no longer know me, much as at this moment, I no longer know you.

Too obviously yours,

Severus Snape.

For a long time he merely sat with his head in his hands, until he found the will to move again and folded the letter, creasing it too tightly, fear hammering in his chest from knowing too well about the brutality of most cures, of most solutions.

He could not go home yet, not to his bed, not to her, not to the woman he wanted to destroy as much as he wanted to sob against. Nor could he visit his son, terrified the force of his emotions would wake the boy, or worse, cause the bottles in Poppy's office to fly from the shelves.

And so instead, he sought his old cure, and went to fly, using one of the terrible student brooms liberated from the shed by the pitch. He didn't care that the sun was coming up, or that he looked like a madman or a fool. He just knew that if he hurtled himself at the ground fast and often enough it would soon become nearly impossible for him to breathe, near impossible to think, and that that would be a very good thing indeed.


	59. silence and the thirty-sixth letter

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it

------------

Snape could barely stand up straight he had so exhausted himself flying. That the broom was neither his own nor of particularly good quality had made his workout more arduous, both physically and mentally. He was glad of it. He almost felt better. Not good, not well, but at least not numb anymore.

After depositing the broom back where he had found it he made his way into the castle and directly to the hospital wing. Perhaps he would be permitted to bring Gabriel home now, and if not, perhaps no one would be awake to stop him.

Hana Hooch however was the last person he expected to see sitting by his son's bed.

"Hana," he said, exhaustion finally crashing down upon him hard enough to preserve Hooch's wellbeing for a little bit longer.

She looked up from the boy and her thoughts. "Severus."

"Really terrible timing on your part Hana."

"I'm so sorry, Severus."

"What part of Sia and I have to go to a Malfoy party and I am in terror for our safety and souls did you not understand?"

"I didn't —"

"You didn't think, yes I know that. No one around here ever does."

"What happened?"

"I, I don't have the words for that yet," he said growing quiet and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Hooch nodded slowly. She knew him well enough to know this was bad.

"I'm sure one of us will tell you about it eventually."

"Are you alright?"

"In what sense?"

"You fought."

Snape shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "After a fashion."

"We should resolve this first," Hooch said, growing more and more uncomfortable.

"And we shall," he said, seeming to enervate as he assumed his usual tone.

"I take it old habits will suffice?"

"More than."

"Severus —"

"Don't."

"You have no idea how awful I feel about this."

"I don't care."

"Please, I --" 

He held a hand up. "As should be apparent to you by now this is not my only crisis and you are certainly not my only concern. Now, please, I need some time with my son."

Hooch nodded mutely, and stood. "After dinner?" she asked, as she walked past him to leave the ward.

"As ever. You may want to eat lightly."

"As ever," she replied grimly and was gone.

Snape sighed. Perhaps after he finally slept he would have enough rage to deal appropriately with that. 

By the time Allosia found her way to the hospital wing after a brief and fitful sleep, Gabriel was awake and happily chatting with his father, who was lounging next to him on the bed. Allosia smiled even though she was still filled with dread and an internal ache she couldn't place.

"Good morning," she said with somewhat false cheer.

Snape just nodded at his wife, but Gabriel reached up to hug her.

"I, I should go get some rest," Snape said, swinging his legs onto the floor.

"Yes, that's probably a good idea. Did you speak to Hana?"

"It's taken care of."

Allosia made an inquiring face.

"Although, I suppose you probably have things to settle with her as well."

"Alright." Allosia made to touch his face, but he stood and dodged her hand. "Severus —"

"I need some sleep, Allosia," he replied, and she let herself think that maybe that would be all it would take to work this out. "See if you can get our prisoner released," he added, smiling back at Gabriel who was watching their exchange nervously.

"Of course."

"Am I going to be in trouble?" the boy asked, after his father had left.

"Don't you think you'd know by now if you were?"

Gabriel smiled. "Hana's in trouble though?"

"Don't let your father hear you calling her by her first name, it drives him crazy."

"Why?"

"He likes things to be formal, you know that."

"Alright, but is she in trouble?"

"She shouldn't have given in to your demands."

"It's my fault I fell though."

"How's that?"

"I kept telling Madam Hooch and the broom to go higher and faster."

"Well, she really shouldn't have listened to you, charming though you may be."

"She only listened to me a little. The broom listened to me a lot."

Allosia suppressed a smile. Uncontrolled, wandless magic was not exactly the child-rearing dilemma she felt like facing at that particular instant in time, especially as she knew the subject would inspire Severus to again push for Gabriel to begin his schooling early.

"Anyway are you ready to get out of here?"

"Can I?"

"You're feeling better aren't you?"

"Yes, but I thought stays in hospital were always long."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Poppa, says —"

"Oh, no honey. He was really sick a lot as a child. Those weren't from injuries. His lungs don't always work very well."

"Which is why he gets tired chasing me around?"

"Well, one of the reasons. We are also old," she said with a laugh.

"No you're not."

"Mmmm, wait about ten years, you'll think we're ancient."

"Not as old as the headmaster."

"Well, no, not for a long time yet."

"So can we go?"

"Yes. Get dressed. You don't want to be seen all over the school in hospital robes, do you?"

Gabriel shook his head. "How was the party?"

"Awful," Allosia answered without thinking.

"I thought parties were supposed to be fun."

"Grownup parties can be complicated. Sometimes you have to go, even when you're not happy about them."

"That's very strange."

"I think so too."

__

When we got back to our rooms, I watched Severus sleep for some time. It was a strange thing to have a chance to do. He rarely slept soundly, and since he needed less rest than me anyway, was rarely in bed when I wasn't. But there he was, curled more tightly than usual on his side, an arm tucked behind his knees and his head half buried by the blanket, snoring softly. I was glad he could rest. He deserved that much at least.

I didn't find out about his dealings with Hana until after they had occurred. When I went to speak to her myself, she merely skipped over the subject. On some level, this further impaired my ability to trust her, but really, what was she supposed to say? I only found out about it, because he took it a too far. I saw the tremors in her hands at breakfast; I saw my husband unable to look up from his plate. And when I asked what hexes and curses he'd used on her, he merely hissed at me and she touched my arm as if to say, this is merely how we do things. But business at usual it seemed was no longer serving anyone well.

Gabriel was acutely aware that his parents were barely talking. He asked me about it many times; he asked if it was his fault, if it was because of the accident, because of Hana. No, no, I assured him, but we all know children cannot really be reassured from those sorts of fears. And while Severus wouldn't speak to me more than he absolutely had to, he was wonderful to Gabriel, even if he was merely doing things with him as an excuse to avoid me. Although, to be honest, he seemed more at ease with being a father than he ever had before. 

I was alone. The woman who had complained so bitterly about disappearing into motherhood, into being the spouse of so difficult and notorious a creature was finally shown that perhaps she had always been invisible, and had simply not known.

Our difficulties were not unnoticed, but they were also not remarked upon. No one knew what had happened, and no one ever really expected the man I loved and the man they knew to b the same person for long. We were drowning, and others merely seemed relieved that this was something they could finally understand.

My quiet wife —

I've not spoken outside of the classroom in three days. I wonder if you've noticed that I merely nod to you now. I wonder if you keep my voice with you in your mind, or if you are merely relieved not to hear it, not to be reminded, of who I was, who I am, and what we have both done.

And what we have done is made a mess of our marriage. More than anything else, this failing embarrasses me. Even my most hopeless student, my most contemptuous colleagues, I have language for, and yet, I do not for you. That strikes me, as the days go on, as more weak than cruel, although, perhaps it is a symptom of the awe I have always had for you; the nature of it is merely different now.

At this juncture, I fear that were I to speak to you, the words simply would not come out, that my throat would merely make the rough sounds of a creature running out of life. That is something I do not want you to hear, regardless of what we come to.

How long will you put up with this, I wonder. How long do I have to wait, for you to leave me. I do wish it, almost. There are only so many losing battles a man can force himself to face and I have had enough of them already.

I most desperately wish to hold you.

Striving mute and paralyzed,

Severus.

Folding a leg under him self, Snape watched the letter for an hour, as if willing the words it contained to rearrange themselves, into something more hopeful or inspiring. Relieved these would never be sent, he put it with the others, before letting himself out of his office.

Allosia was well asleep when he reached their bedroom, having checked on Gabriel and smiling at the book of French fairytales he had fallen asleep reading. He touched her hair lightly in the dark and while she barely stirred, he couldn't help but feel slightly better at this small act of will, even as he settled himself into the corner of the bed that was now solely his own.

__


	60. resolutions

Disclaimer:  
  
It's JKR's world, I just play in it.  
  
Sorry I've been putting you guys through the ringer on this. Believe me, I wish they would be less tortured too, but I just report what they tell me.  
  
--------  
  
  
  
It took Allosia nearly another week to finally break the silence that was permeating her life and home.  
  
When she got in that Saturday, it was near eleven, and Gabriel was, she saw, already asleep, clutching a stuffed hippogriff that she presumed Severus had acquired for him on their outing to Hogsmeade.  
  
Her bedroom was dark when she entered it, and it took her a moment, to see Severus sitting in a chair in the dark. She sighed and began to undress, because while she had not grown used to this behavior from him, she certainly expected it.  
  
"You know, Severus, you're going to have to speak to me eventually, even if it's just to leave me," she heard herself say before she was even consciously aware of thinking it, as she undid the fasteners on the back of her dress.  
  
"Sia," he said, but his voice was so hoarse he had to stop and clear his throat.  
  
"Yes?" she responded her hands frozen on the hook between the tops of her shoulders.  
  
"I," he began, but started again. "How could you think that?" he asked, rising.  
  
"That you'd have to speak to me?" she inquired, anger finally rising in her voice.  
  
"No," he said, reaching her. "That I would leave you?" he continued, taking her hands in his and bringing them down between them.  
  
"You can't be happy like this."  
  
"I'm not, but I don't know much about being happy. You forget," he said.  
  
"I'm sorry," she replied, meaning her behavior at the Malfoy's.  
  
"I know," he said sitting down on the bed and motioned for her to sit next to him.  
  
"We need to fix this," she said.  
  
"That much is obvious."  
  
"Explain to me why you're angry."  
  
"Sia –"  
  
"I'm not saying I don't think you have cause! I'm saying you probably have a cause I haven't even thought of."  
  
He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and searched for a way to begin, but eventually just settled on muttering, "I didn't think you were like everyone else."  
  
"Severus," she said softly, raising a hand to touch his arm, but refusing to do so until he nodded imperceptibly in permission.  
  
"I, so much of my reaction about this has been about realizing you do know me, and that, that the darkness in me doesn't disgust you. And I don't want you to love me for what I have to do, and I don't want you to love me knowing, knowing that I take pleasure from many of the so-called unfortunate choices I am compelled to make. And I don't want you to be like me, but I know you are, because you always have been. I'm angry at you for proving it to me."  
  
She slid her hand down his arm, and grabbed one of his hands. "I just love you, Severus; it is not a series of equations for me."  
  
"Which is why you were not placed in Slytherin."  
  
"Is it just a series of equations for you?"  
  
"Everything is," he said, apologetically, turning to face her.  
  
"Is this where you want to be?" she whispered.  
  
"Yes."  
  
She paused a long time before asking her next question. "Is this where you can afford to be?"  
  
"What do you think?" he asked, softly.  
  
"No," she said. The realities were impossible.  
  
He squeezed her hand more tightly. "I came to the same conclusion," he said softly. "I'm going to stop spying."  
  
"What?" She asked startled, this was not what she expected to hear.  
  
"I can't very well be rid of you or our son." He touched her face.  
  
"I –"  
  
"I don't know how yet. But, that is my intent."  
  
"But –"  
  
He shrugged, not really wanting to share some of the possibilities that had occurred to him just yet.  
  
She wrapped her arms around him, and after a moment of being startled, he returned the gesture. They sat that way for a long time, rocking back and forth, mumbling all their fears about being alone, and their useless apologies for being the people they were. Eventually he shushed her, pulling back enough to push her hair out of her face, and truly looked at her for the first time since that night at the Malfoy mansion.  
  
He smiled then, as much as he ever did, and kissed her, to find that they were sobbing into each others mouths, and that he wasn't sure where in the conversation either of them had started crying.  
  
"Come," he said breaking the kiss and standing.  
  
"What?"  
  
He motions towards their bathroom with his head. "Shower. I think we've tasted enough of each other's tears tonight. Yes?"  
  
She nodded, silently.  
  
"Good. And yes, I know we still have to scream at each other about all this."  
  
"And Hana."  
  
"And Hana?"  
  
"I know she let you torture her."  
  
"It wasn't –"  
  
"Shhhh. I know it's how you two were or are, or whatever. But if you expect me to manage my distaste, you're going to have to stop keeping certain secrets. It is, among other things, disrespectful, and that is what I've always been upset about, not, not the rest of it, not really anyway."  
  
He took a deep breath and nodded and led her into the bathroom. She was still a miracle to him, just of a different sort than he had imagined for so long.  
  
"Lumos," his whispered, and a small globe of light flared into being above them.  
  
"You're beautiful," she whispered, looking at his tearstained face.  
  
He turned mostly away from her. "Don't say that."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I cannot stand it."  
  
She ran her fingers down his back, and he started to unbutton his robes. "But I cannot stand not to say it."  
  
"It's not true Sia."  
  
"Maybe not in the way you'd like it to be."  
  
"I hate when you're foolish."  
  
"I'm not foolish, Severus."  
  
"Then at least be patient," he said, turning to face her again, and pulling off his robes.  
  
She nodded. It seemed cruel, under the circumstances, to say "Always."  
  
  
  
They made love in the shower, nearly choking on the water that streamed into their mouths. 


	61. and so a wand

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

-------

__

Part of Severus and I working on our relationship, meant compromising on the matter of Gabriel's education. As such, when the school year ended, we took him to get his wand, with the agreement that he would only be allowed the use and possession of it when and if one of us was with him. And while Gabriel would have no doubt preferred a broom at that point, even with the accident, the import and excitement of the moment was not lost on him. It was, he knew, as if he was finally being given hands.

Severus was so proud, and Ollivander was certainly amused to see us, as much for his memories of our visits as children as to see what nature of creature a union as surprising as our own had wrought. He seemed a little startled, I don't think he expected the boy to be sociable, and I could not help but wince as Severus volunteered information about Gabriel's initial magical education, obviously to head off questions of responsibility and oversight. Ollivander, like so many, remembered a quiet boy gone bad, versus a man who had gone against his own nature to live a little more in a world he didn't share much love with. Severus bore it well, and it impressed me, as much as it drove me crazy. Gabriel, who always knew more than he should didn't notice this, at least.

Hana told both of us, once things had calmed down a little, about Gabriel's listening, about his awareness and covetousness towards the secrets in our lives. It was, of course, inevitable, and as such I don't think either of us reacted to it with the horror Hana experienced, but it was still one more thing that needed sorting out when we could barely sort ourselves out. And while I wasn't thrilled with the solution, we put a series of spells on Gabriel that prevented him from speaking of certain things except to us and except when we were clearly alone. But even so, we had to find a strategy to explain to him some of the circumstances of the life we'd brought him into.

Meanwhile, Severus and I put a moratorium on sex, and while it seemed absurd at times, and frustrating at others, it made us hungry for each other again, instead of greedy. We spent that summer kissing for hours, which my husband always seemed more grateful for than my heart could stand. When we finally did go to bed together again, in more than the literal sense of the phrase, it was as much a promise as our wedding and one easier for us to keep. Neither of us would ever choose to leave, now that we realized we each knew how, and didn't want to. We never stopped needing each other too much though, but such was the life we were dealt.

My little wife —

I suppose you hate that I should call you that, as if the diminutive were regards anything other than your ridiculously petite frame. Of course, you would merely point out the truth, which is that my limbs are slightly too long, one more legacy of a dubious heritage. Please be assured the endearment amuses me only for today and entirely as a reflection on this afternoon's episode of domestic bliss.

And so a wand. Mahogany, eleven inches, unicorn tail core. I'm not sure who was more surprised, myself or Ollivdaner. At least, as he says, not too swishy and it is, thank the gods unlikely that our son will be a charms expert. I will guess Defense, with not a little sadness, I had hoped we might well share my art, but I do not sense that type of subtlety from Gabriel. It's just as well. No child really should have that type of subtlety, as you well know.

I look forward to teaching him, and I suspect it will frustrate me less than the languages have, although his progress in Latin is satisfactory enough to give him an excellent edge for Hogwarts. I do not think it tantalizes him though. 

How did we wind up with so physical a child? I realize it should not surprise considering your skills and my longings, but I did not expect him to be so much a stranger so young. I also did not expect him to love me so. It frightens, the admiration on his face, positively frightens. My opinion should not be so important to him, most especially considering how it is that I most often deliver it, although surely, you must notice I do try to be gentle. I do wonder how it is I can so enjoy a life that revolves almost entirely around fighting my natures. Surely, this is comparable to muggle battles over sin and god. Perhaps you could ask your mother, eccentric that she is.

I am concerned about the Fall. I concur that Binns' class is certainly the safest, and the one where Gabriel's current houseless status will matter least, however, would you have ever wanted to attend this school again had that been your first experience of it? As you well know and are no doubt relieved, I refuse to admit Gabriel into my classroom before he is formally enrolled here; regardless of when it comes, it will not be a pleasant experience for him. Let me dread and lie sleepless over that for a few more years yet. 

Perhaps transfigurations? It is too difficult for him to really get into trouble with, although I worry about Minerva thinking he's a miniature version of myself; he won't survive ten minutes in there should that be the case — although I suppose it would be best to disspell those particular illusions before he has a grade riding on it. Would you want him in Defense? It will give him nerves of steel, if nothing else. Although, I suspect he already has them.

I, on the other hand seem to have lost mine. After all, I am writing this to avoid my tea appointment with our illustrious head master. While I suspect that Albus already knows what it is I have to tell him today, I am sincerely afraid he will be disappointed, which is just one more thing I am not entirely sure I can find it within myself to survive.

Most glad of you.

Severus.


	62. resignation

Disclaimer:

It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

-------

Dumbeldore stared into his tea, clearly searching for wisdom in its warmth. Snape for his part, was half holding his breath, afraid to do anything to cut short the headmaster's ruminations, especially considering how long he had stalled before finally coming to the older man with his decision.

Finally, the older man set his cup down with a sharp clatter, and looked up at Snape.

"This is a very difficult thing you ask, Severus."

Snape started to speak, but Dumbledore raised a hand to silence him.

"And were it up to me, I would have relieved you of this duty long ago. Please don't misunderstand when I say I have felt, especially in the last years, that there are better uses to put your skills to than witnessing the bad habits of your former friends."

"Albus, do have the decency to be plain with me."

"You know, as well as I do, that you are obligated to work as the Ministry wishes until such time as your death or Voldemort's defeat."

"Surely —"

"Surely, I will do my best, Severus, but if I tell them you are no longer willing to spy, they will argue for you to be sent back to Azkaban, and we cannot have that."

Snape actually considered the option for a moment before responding, but Dumbledore was right. Keeping his promise to Allosia in such a fashion wasn't keeping his promise at all. "No, I suppose not," he replied, still unhappy to admit to his lack of options. "You know my masters," he said with disgust, "far better than I. Have you any suggestions on a course of action that would be appropriate?" Snape scowled, he was angry at himself for sounding so ungrateful, but to ask for help in controlling his own destiny was not something he enjoyed.

Dumbledore sighed. He had suggested near impossible and awful tasks to Snape far far too many times over the years. "They will not trust you until you no longer wear the mark," he said, hoping the younger man would not take it as a challenge.

__

Patient Sia,

Extrication from my current state of employ may prove to be more difficult than I had hoped when I offered you this particular retirement. I would say expected, but even on those rare occasions when I am an optimist, I am not a fool, and Albus told me nothing I did not already know, although I suppose there is always something be to gained from the confirmation of one's restrictions. 

I am not looking forward to breaking the news to you, and am well tempted not to, until I ascertain yet again, what I also already know. That the removal of the Dark Mark is necessary to my renunciation of this long bitter occupation is a simple matter, but also an impossible one and renders my promise to you cruel at best. I am not sure you realize how easily I could still be put in Azkaban, and truth be told, until today's conversation, I hadn't considered the proposition enough to grasp its coldness.

It occurs, although dimly in all this gloaming, that it has been many years since I have tried to restore such limited purity to my flesh. Perhaps there is something I did not think of that childhood; perhaps Potter is the savior not just of the wizarding world, but of myself; perhaps all the nonsense in Gabriel's books is true, and the love of a beautiful woman, pure of heart will heal the crippled and cure the sick.

But you are not so pure of heart, are you? And mayhaps not as beautiful to others as to myself, but I am happy with this strange beauty in my strange life, and well know that my unacceptable face is too well compensated with your difficult companionship. Be assured that in my life of perpetual and unpleasant commerce, there is nothing I would exchange you for, despite my threats and fits; you have grown too used to them. I do wonder, if it feels very different when I enter you, as I most fervently wish were allowed tonight, in need of such desperate solace. It does not seem right, to come home, merely to breathe all this ghastly and unearned fear into you.

My tongue slowly finds itself unbound, and I do wonder what other dangers that trust signals.

These roots reach too deeply for our safety.

Yours,

Severus.

The walk to their apartments seemed more wearying than it had in a long time, his mind too active on problems too stagnant. Opening the door, he was greeted briefly by the site of his wife sitting on the floor watching Gabriel hard at work keeping several small objects in the air with wingardium leviosa. He chuckled, which was enough to draw their attention to him and cause the objects to fly in his direction.

Snape drew his wand, quickly whispering an incantation to shield him for the approaching items. They clattered to the ground upon contact, and he looked vaguely embarrassed as he muttered "finite incantatum." Silently, he cursed his reflexes and such a display of overkill, but was grateful he could at least manage to think defensively when necessary.

"That looked like a good beginning," he said quietly. "I am sorry for interrupting you.," but the truth was, he was glad to have seen it; it was much better than many first years could have done.

Gabriel started to work on the task again, but Allosia asked him to wait, turning her attention to Severus.

"You don't look like a man bearing good news," she said.

"Do I ever?" And he crossed the room and flung himself into a chair, eager for the brief respite of little spells and quiet lives.


	63. knives

Disclaimer: It's JKR's world, I just play in it.

Sorry it's been so long, I am very very busy. But, as ever, am working on slowly updating this and my other tales, with a goal of concluding all the epics by the new year.

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I have a knack really, for asking the most inappropriate questions. Can't you experiment on someone else, I asked, proving once and for all why we were worthy of each other, even in my naivete. It wasn't, after all, like he could just politely ask the Ministry if he could borrow an incarcerated Death Eater to run illegal experiments of dubious purpose on. And so, he took to himself, telling me as little as possible, and because there was no woman involved, no man, I had, in our improving relationship, no grounds for actual complaint.

Besides, I saw the wounds. At first, they did not register to me. Severus had potions that were frequently causstic, spilled on him often enough by students, and burned his hands regularly when distracted by research. That he did not heal the wounds immediately was an odd habit, but one I came to understand as fundamental to his nature — such errors were simply not worth his time, and so, I became used to the imperfections of his dexterous fingers and too long arms.

Tracing burns in the dark, the smoothness of skin wounded and healed, listening to the slight hiss of a too sharp breath, my own flesh came to understand what my mind refused to, which was that, having made a promise to me, he would seek too hard to keep it. He hated Gryffindors, I came to realize, because so little good had ever come of his own boldness, and so little mercy had ever awarded his eternal courage.

As the experiments wore on, as his flesh wore up with scars instead of down with scouring, he inevitably began to lose his temper, not at the world, but at himself. I worried, and he did not approve.

I took to sitting in his office, in his workroom, on a desk or table, legs swinging in a way that he hated, merely to distract him enough so that he would not harm himself more than was truly necessary. I could not, of course, be there all the time.

I do not precisely know what he was trying to do or how well thought out it was -- Severus never told me, and I never asked. After all, how is one to reprimand her husband upon finding out that attempting to cut his own arm off had seemed like a good idea at the time?

There was, by the time I came upon the scene, a great deal of blood. Severus, was still conscious, although leaning heavily against his work table, grip on the knife still embedded in his arm, slackening. Of course, I thought it was an accident at first, but he shook his head at me, almost imperceptibly. Later, in the hospital wing, I had time to consider what had been at the time shock and offense. Married to a man of his nature, I took what confessions I could and released him from his obligation, by offering to help remove that which had been healed as best as was able and yet of course, still housed the blight.

He refused, and while it perhaps broke him in some way, I was grateful that it was he who had to learn his limits for a change, and not myself.

Sometimes, I nearly suckled at that damaged arm in the dark, eyes pressed shut, because I was not willing to see the tears in his. As with all things, it was always the flesh that reordered our world and his hands that held me in strange mercy.


End file.
